The View

Today i watched the view, which i don't watch to often since i m/c because both times elizabeth was pg so i quit watching and now i just catch it every now and again, but today i am glad i did. They talked about trying to concieve and a few reasons and why's that it is sometimes hard to. All in all i thought it was a pretty good show today, it just sucks that are so many things concerning this issue that it wasn't enough time to really talk about everything. I wish they could have had like a 2hr special today (lol) but what they did cover , i thought they did a good job. If i wasn't on this journey it all would have probably been amazing and new to me, but of course the things they shared weren't , but that's okay. I'm just glad they shed some light on infertility. i liked that Barbara Walters shared the fact that she went through 3m/c and that her goes out to women who have gone through it, she also seemed very compassionate to the guests that were on and eventhough i wasn't there i was very appreciative of her affection ( not sure if that's the word i wanted to use, but cant think of the right word right now). I like how they addressed the issue of how looking at stars having babies in their 40's give us the illusion that getting pg is easy and if they can do it at 40+ then we don't have to rush, when a lot of times these stars are having IVF and we don't know it.(not exactly how they said it but i'm paraphrasing and writting what i got from it) . However......I know that people deal with things in different ways but, i didn't care for the so called humor that Joy Bahar, tried to pin on to it. I think sometimes she makes so called jokes at the wrong moment ( it sucks i can't remember what she said right now, but i know it made me kinda angry ) But all in all i thought it was a nice show and i wished they had more time.Oh and i liked the fact that Sherri Shepard talked about IVF and how expensive it is and that it sucks that not a lot of insurance cover it. again good show

Steps

Today i feel as if i've gone two steps back for everyone that i have taken forward. Today it is a struggle to move forward. Just when i thought that i was on my way, i woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I woke up not being able to pick myself up out the bed. Only when i had to use the restroom ( hope that's not tmi) and then to hop right back in it. The night before the women of my church had a prayer meeting which i went to and of course prayed that everything would be okay because this week has been kinda rough for me so i just new today would be okay, but i woke with tears, the gaping wound in my heart that i thought was healing had begun to reopen and what could i do but cry. The what if's began to poor into my mind, the women who don't want their children began to poor into my mind, the young girls that are withchild began to poor into my mind and of course the what is wrong with me, why not me, why me, why............

After finally calming myself down i read my bible and then took a nap ( i guess i wore myself out from crying, seeing as how i hadn't been up and out of bed more than an hour or two) Then finally got up and fixed me something to eat. For the time i was fine, not happy and not totally sad, just simply existing , trying to stay positive and focus on the things that i am thankful for, and then of course, it tries to creep back in. I am so sick of these feelings, so ready for them to subside , not just subside but go completely away. I feel at this moment that i 've hit a wall and can't decide if i'm going to clime over it or go through it. I wish i could just give it a swift kick and be done with it, but i think i am going to try and climb over it, maybe the climb will make me stronger.........

Just a few things i read today

For i reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Rom.8:18

For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why6 doth he yet hope for. But if we hpe for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Rom.8:24-25

And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Rom.8:27-28

I am on this journey with purpose, i will travail, i will be better, i am being molded for his purpose, and though i stumble i will get up, i will be what God has called me to be.

Time Flies

It's amazing how time flies after loss. It's amazing how fast the rest of the world moves along while you are slowly putting one foot in front of the other. I would be 29 wks tomorrow if xavien were still here with me, or if camron had made it to his due day he would be six months right now. With camron i was in that naive pg bliss, but i do remember being anxious to be far enough along to feel him move, and somehow time still seemed to move somewhat slow. With xavien i was in a hurry to make it past that 18wk mark (had i known the results maybe i would have just sat still and enjoyed her while she was with me)so that i could breathe again and of course the weeks seemed to drag by, i felt like one week took a whole month. But after the loss of my angels it seems as if time is moving at super speed, the weeks are just falling away, the world is moving on, everybody is all happy and smiles again, my real life friends who know of my loss seemed to have moved on as if all is wonderful and of course in their world it is , and i am stuck, looking around and wondering, why couldn't time have moved this fast when i was pg, why now does it seem that time is flying, and why can't i keep up with it? They say time flies when you're having fun, which is true in some cases but time also flies when you're missing your angel.

Thank God for Angels

This past week i had been on a bit of a slump, not a total plunge as we know can certainly happen on this roller coaster we are on, but just a slight dip i guess you could say. Indescribebable days, down moments and even a few cries here and there. Church didn't even pick me as much as it usually does. But! God is still good. This morning when i finally drug myself out of bed, i came across meridiths blog at Forever Changed and it instantly picked up my mood, she quoted a passage from her devotional that i had came across a few days before, not only that , she also spoke on change and things turning around for our better and that is what my pastor spoke on sunday. If i didn't hear you sunday i definately heard you today lord. Then on my way home from doing a little grocery shopping i stopped and checked my mail finally( i'm always a little slow in checking my mail) and got the best surprise of all from my wonderful kind, loving, thoughtful and sweet kindred spirits Nan over at The Reiber's - Remembering Our Triplet Angels ver at and Andrea over at Life, Love & Persuit of our Fairytale... . A beautiful heart necklace with camron and xavien's names on it and a wonderful card letting me know that i'm not alone and that they are thinking of me. It brought tears to my eyes. I am thankful for my deni Making Our Troxclair Family who is so kind and brave to share with us not only her journey of loss but her journey of adopting as well ( which just brings a smile to my face everytime i read a post) and always puts beautifully into words the feelings that i cant. I am still amazed at how people who i've never met in person can be so loving and thoughtful, i am still amazed at how i can love those people so much. But! I am saying thank God for the angels here on earth that he has placed in my life for me to share and talk with and be . People whom with i can learn about and be this new me that this journey has made us all, and i am not just thankful for them, but i a thankful for you all, i am thankful for our children who i am sure are playing togeather in heaven and looking down on us and smiling at this bond their moms have built. Even though it hurts at times, God is still good and i'm thankful.

I am always thinking of you as well

I Love it

indescribable......

Have you ever had a day where you feel a type of way but you can't describe it. That's how i feel today. It's not totally a why me day, and it's not a sad day, but not really a happy day. It's a all these feelings and more day. Just an indescribable day full of feelings that i don't know what to do with........

But, one thing i am sure of...........i miss my babies.

And They're back!

Yes their back! The thoughts of "i wanna be pregnant", "when will i be pregnant"" am i pregnant" "it think i'm pregnant" "nope i'm not pregnant" "when should we start" " are we ready to start""can i get pregnant again""why not me""why them". Not exactly in that order but they are back. i'd been doing good for a while and these thoughts don't totally consume me but they are there again, especially when life throws one of it's little triggers, and in my case right now it's the announcements of new pregnancies, and not just any but it especially sucks when it's from people that i know didn't want anymore or love to party and hang out more than they are at home with the children they have. It just boggles my mind. But i will continue to look to god and the wonderful encouraging people (my kindred spirits) that he has put in my life. What a long road we walk..........