Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Steps

Today i feel as if i've gone two steps back for everyone that i have taken forward. Today it is a struggle to move forward. Just when i thought that i was on my way, i woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I woke up not being able to pick myself up out the bed. Only when i had to use the restroom ( hope that's not tmi) and then to hop right back in it. The night before the women of my church had a prayer meeting which i went to and of course prayed that everything would be okay because this week has been kinda rough for me so i just new today would be okay, but i woke with tears, the gaping wound in my heart that i thought was healing had begun to reopen and what could i do but cry. The what if's began to poor into my mind, the women who don't want their children began to poor into my mind, the young girls that are withchild began to poor into my mind and of course the what is wrong with me, why not me, why me, why............
After finally calming myself down i read my bible and then took a nap ( i guess i wore myself out from crying, seeing as how i hadn't been up and out of bed more than an hour or two) Then finally got up and fixed me something to eat. For the time i was fine, not happy and not totally sad, just simply existing , trying to stay positive and focus on the things that i am thankful for, and then of course, it tries to creep back in. I am so sick of these feelings, so ready for them to subside , not just subside but go completely away. I feel at this moment that i 've hit a wall and can't decide if i'm going to clime over it or go through it. I wish i could just give it a swift kick and be done with it, but i think i am going to try and climb over it, maybe the climb will make me stronger.........
Just a few things i read today
For i reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Rom.8:18
For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why6 doth he yet hope for. But if we hpe for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Rom.8:24-25
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Rom.8:27-28
I am on this journey with purpose, i will travail, i will be better, i am being molded for his purpose, and though i stumble i will get up, i will be what God has called me to be.

6 comments:

Nan & Mike said...

Oh honey,
I am sorry you are feeling this way, I wish this kind of healing was all on the up and up, but we know better. And you think you are doing something good with your prayer group, and that your prayers will be answered and then you wake up feeling like crap...it's not fair. But there is a bright light that comes from within you, and being in this low is not permanent, you will feel better eventually....as Andrea say "the storm will pass". I am sending you huge hugs, lots of prayers and love and I hope you feel some sunshine on your face and feel better quickly. For now, sleep if you need to sleep, cry if you need to cry and write if you need to write.....we are always here for you! Love, Nan xo

DeniFay said...

Grace, So sorry your day was so low, but you will get through this and you deserve to have some off days! Just go with it and you'll get through it! You know that God has you in the palm of His hand, pulling you close to Him in these dark hours. Know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you and am soooo grateful for your sweet friendship and the support that you send to me even in the midst of your personal struggles! You are a beacon of hope and strength! Love you tons!!!

Marie W said...

Shandrea, I have had those days where the grief is is overwhelming that I am paralyzed. Praying and sending you good thoughts.

Andrea said...

I was just thinking of you this morning, wondering how you were doing. The downs are so hard, you just have to be, let yourself feel it all. You will come out on the other side again. "The will of the body and spirit is for recovery - even for growth, for there is no recovery without growth." "There will be a new time, and a new day." Sending you love and hugs.

Andrea said...

Grace,

We all hit those walls, the emotions come and we have to do our best to embrace the pain. If we shoo it away, it returns two fold. Let it come in and stare it in the face and will yourself to climb over that wall! You are a survivor and you "don't know your own strength" :) Longing for what we've lost is natural and grieving continues. You've done a beautiful job embracing the grief and you've been SO positive. Take this time to be good to yourself and be selfish for a bit. You will triumph over this hurdle, I promise and I'm going to be holding your hand along the way :) And, I'm tying your ROPE for you too.

The sun will shine again, promise...cause tomorrow's a new day.

Love to you, as we are all loving you through the storm.

xoxo

site author said...

Your photos are so beautiful, and I wanted to thank you for sharing them on here. I know how precious photo's of our children can be, and I'm so glad you have shared them.

Shandrea, I was reading your post today, and my heart is just aching for you. I wrote a prayer when I was expecting Samantha (my little girl we lost in September 2008) and in that prayer I said the same thing you just said, "I've come to a wall." But it was between me and God, and I didn't know what to do either. Suddenly I had this vision in my mind of Jesus bending down and lifting that wall and carrying it away. I'm not trying to be cliche', and I'm sorry if it seems that way, but I honestly have that prayer written and taped in my Sammi's journal. And i thought I would share it since your post reminded me of that prayer.

Shandrea, your strength and courage to rely on God to get you through this... it's inspiring. Seriously, I know it doesn't feel brave, or courageous, but what you are offering women online with your utter honesty, and what you are doing for yourself by expressing it all, it's beautiful, and healing to our spirits. Thank you for sharing. I'm very much looking forward to getting to know you during the study. I pray that God's blessing wash over you, filling you with peace, and comfort, today, and tomorrow, and everyday after.

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