Today i feel as if i've gone two steps back for everyone that i have taken forward. Today it is a struggle to move forward. Just when i thought that i was on my way, i woke up this morning with tears in my eyes. I woke up not being able to pick myself up out the bed. Only when i had to use the restroom ( hope that's not tmi) and then to hop right back in it. The night before the women of my church had a prayer meeting which i went to and of course prayed that everything would be okay because this week has been kinda rough for me so i just new today would be okay, but i woke with tears, the gaping wound in my heart that i thought was healing had begun to reopen and what could i do but cry. The what if's began to poor into my mind, the women who don't want their children began to poor into my mind, the young girls that are withchild began to poor into my mind and of course the what is wrong with me, why not me, why me, why............
After finally calming myself down i read my bible and then took a nap ( i guess i wore myself out from crying, seeing as how i hadn't been up and out of bed more than an hour or two) Then finally got up and fixed me something to eat. For the time i was fine, not happy and not totally sad, just simply existing , trying to stay positive and focus on the things that i am thankful for, and then of course, it tries to creep back in. I am so sick of these feelings, so ready for them to subside , not just subside but go completely away. I feel at this moment that i 've hit a wall and can't decide if i'm going to clime over it or go through it. I wish i could just give it a swift kick and be done with it, but i think i am going to try and climb over it, maybe the climb will make me stronger.........
Just a few things i read today
For i reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Rom.8:18
For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man seeth, why6 doth he yet hope for. But if we hpe for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Rom.8:24-25
And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Rom.8:27-28
I am on this journey with purpose, i will travail, i will be better, i am being molded for his purpose, and though i stumble i will get up, i will be what God has called me to be.