Blue

I want to say that I feel petty for what I'm about to write and it's just something i need to get out my mind and on to some paper, but that wouldn't be the truth. 

The truth is I don't know if it's petty or not or if I'm just not seeing past my own wants. But I'm gonna write anyway so here goes..........

Hubby had to run an errand last night so I rode with him just to get in a little quality time which we don't get much of and on the ride i decided to bring up wanting another baby ( i know what a genius decision right). Well he didn't say no, but he said wait. And well at the moment that pretty much felt like he said no. His reasoning was to a degree valid ( he wants to catch up on a few things that we are behind on) but at the same time it's not like we are guaranteed to get pregnant as soon as we start trying. Heck we aren't even guaranteed to even bring home a baby should we even get pregnant.  And it's taken me a long time to really come to terms with the second part. But of course his counter was that there's no guarantee that we won't get pregnant. To which i wanted to say duuuuuh that's the point in trying. I just I don't know. You would think with all we've been through he wouldn't see it as we might get pregnant too soon if we start trying now. I mean really......it took us a little over a whole freaking year to get pregnant the first time and well if you've read the blog you know how that turned out. Even though this time i am choosing to believe that things will go smoothly should we get blessed to conceive. 

And really I'm not sure that this is really what i meant to write about ( well the discussion of trying again anyway)  Needless to say the rest of the trip was a bust. I couldn't think about anything else. I just sat quietly twiddling my thumbs and doing my best not to cry. it seems that lately ( the past few months) I can't focus at times I can't function at times. All I think about is when I was pregnant and being pregnant again and how I felt holding jace for the first time and how i felt bringing him home.

I cant look at a family photo or see a pregnancy announcement or belly or anything baby related without my heart strings being pulled. Yes I know that there are others out there that are wishing the same thing I'm wishing, that there are those that are struggling to conceive and I am sad for them as well. And I am happy for those that have buns in the oven and for those welcoming their bundles into the world.....

But even with all that I still want to cry even thinking of the word baby or passing by the maternity section or the baby section for that matter.........


the sad sucky truth is my world remains blue.......but i will still silently sit and hope that one day my rainbow will appear again or at least two pink lines :)

Jambalaya

So lets see......where to begin...... this month has been a month to say the least ( not really sure how to describe it) 

But I can say i have been one big GIANT bowl of emotions and there have been so many things on my mind but I just haven't had the time to write and so because of this I have named this post .....

Jambalaya 

because it's going to be a mix of things that have been running through my mind probably seeming all over the place but still going together.

So where shall I start....................................

still can't believe this year has made for years without two of my rainbows and 3 yrs without one. I still miss them dearly and xavien has really weighed in on my heart. I wasn't ready for the effect her day had on my. Then on Thanksgiving night I got sick and was stuck in bed for four days ( I know random, but i really really hate being sick) and to top it off Jace was sick as well. Sick mommy plus sick toddler equals a busy ( and probably sad, nerve wracked ) papa. But we managed and survived and we are both up and at'em once more.

Secondly ( if that's even a word) I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog ( if I can even figure out how to do it) But I've been going through a lot and not only that my life is changing and when I need to write about it I don't want to have to go to a whole other blog to do so. I mean just because I have a rainbow doesn't mean that the journey of loss stops. But there are things and happenings in between that i want to write about too and I mean the name just doesn't fit anymore.....

Like the third thing i want to talk about ( and don't want to feel guilty for talking about it here) the fever has returned yet again it subsided for a while but it's rearing it's head once more and the fact that bellies and new babies are popping up around me almost daily it seems isn't helping much at all. And it's really putting me in a funk. I mean there are many I want to be happy for and congratulate but it seems as of late my heaviness hasn't allowed me to. I think it's also the reason Xavien's heaven date hit me so hard as well. (well that amongst other things) But I can't shake it and I'm sure my hubby is tired of hearing about it from me as well. I mean he's agreed to wanting another baby but hasn't really commented on the trying now. So what do i do wait and hope he'll come around soon, or badger him and then possibly have him thinking I only want to "dance" with him strictly for baby making when of course that wouldn't be true. But i don't want to put that kind of pressure on him. Oh what a tangled web I know. I'm getting dizzy just typing it. And I know things aren't easy for us right now, but they weren't easy with jace, or when we were expecting Tristen or Xavien or Camron but we managed and I think we would manage now. And I'm not trying to  irresponsibly bring another baby ( should i be blessed to do so) into this world but I think its a good time and who knows how things will have changed by the time he or she makes their debut. I don't know I guess until the time comes this chic will continue to dream............

I think I'm finally getting sleepy at 3a.m so I guess i will stop here and say good night or good morning :)

4yrs ago today

 

 

This was me

 

 

 

Four Years Ago today.

 

Holding my tiny precious baby girl. 

 

Today is her day. The day I said hello and goodbye way too soon. A day forever etched in my heart. Today hit me a little harder than I expected. This month I've seen myself in the hospital the day I had her. But 4yrs ago last year the 26 actually fell on Thanksgiving. How ironic is that. The day I should have been celebrating and being thankful for the fact that I was blessed to carry her I was at the hospital praying she could stay with me a little longer.

 

And though she was my second baby born to heaven it's a day that still forever changed me even more than the first time. And yes today is her day but I think of her everyday. I picture and I wonder and wish...... that things could have been different.....

 

 

But tonight I sit and I write that I am indeed thankful. I am thankful that for a little while I got to call her mine. That I gave her a name. That she lived within me (even if only for a short time) and that she will forever be the second piece of me in heaven.

 

And even though these words can't truly describe a fraction of what I feel I will still simple end with them.......

 

Xavien Zaraih Bob I miss you and will FOREVER Love you and carry you with me. Happy 4yrs in heaven my angel. 

 

 

 



Her Month

So I finally have a moment to write with a somewhat clear head. This year has been a mix of emotions for me, with it seeming like sometimes more bad than good but yet (through the grace of God) I am still here, still surviving and still smiling...........

This year has gone by fairly fast and this month, her month has quietly snuck up on me......I don't know if it's because of me chasing around her little brother, or the baby fever  ( that post to come later) or the other million things going on around me that it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. But lately in the few quiet moments I've had it has dawned on me in 5 days it will be the day that I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my precious baby girl........ my how time has flown but yet when I see someone's daughter or even look at my nieces or even look at Jace, I wonder..... what would she have been like, who would she have looked like, would she be as stubborn as me, would she be a daddy's girl, would she be a girly girl and love Barbie dolls like I did?

I think about that day, the loneliness the sadness and the pain....... I also think about the love I had then and the love I have now......How no one will or ever can replace her how no one will or ever can replace any of them..... and though this is deemed the month of Thanksgiving to me this will always be her month and I will always be thankful for her..... thankful that I got to hold her at all thankful that I got to feel her kicking in my belly, thankful that I got to call her mine even if only for a little while.......


I Love you Xavien and this will forever be you Month!

A Day of Remembrance

Well I'm posting just a little shy of October 15th. ( Just getting home from work) and I suppose I could have posted earlier today before work but well for whatever reason I write better at night. But this day is Known as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day" .


Yesterday as I began to tag many ladies on my Facebook page in a post I really started to realize how many of us are missing little ones that should be here. I couldn't even tag every one and these are just the people that I've had some sort of contact with. This isn't counting the numerous people that are members in different support boards that I'm on or the many people walking this journey that I haven't met. But today we are together in spirit remembering our little ones and raising awareness that others will remember them too. In hopes that one day we don't have to be afraid to talk about the pieces of our hearts gone too soon.


I hope that today was not only a day of Remembering but I also hope that there was a little bit of love and peace as well....... 


                                                                  CXT

                                                 and   All the Angel Babies

Rollercoaster

I remember when I first began this ride. I remember it being a series of dips, hills, drops, slow rises, steady track and this doing it all over again. Sometimes the falls and dips and drops felt like forever. Sometimes it felt like forever to make back to the top of the hill only for the straight track to only last a few seconds before plummeting back down again.

Then I remember time going by and the drops didn't take me by surprise as much. I mean they still took my breath away but there were more times that I saw it coming and was able to brace myself. The straight tracks lasted minutes instead of mere seconds and I was able to hold on a lil longer during the ride.

And now here I am 4yrs since Camron and Xavien, 3yrs since Tristen and a year and a half with my rainbow Jace. I can now see a drop before it comes. I can now brace myself and catch my breath. My straight tracks last a little longer and though I know this is a ride I will be on forever I can even smile.

I remember there was a time I wished with all I had that I could just get off this ride and be done with it. I was tired of the hurt tired of the pain and at times just tired of being. But now I sit on this ride without resistance I hold on tight and I persevere. I sit in this seat In a row of so many other hurting hearts who have had to hop on without a choice. I cry for us, I smile for us, I remember for us and I hold on for us, for those who are just getting on and can't hold themselves I hold them, I hold there hands I pray. For those who have been on it before me or are at the place I am I hold their hands, embrace them pray with and for them I remember with them and I encourage them all while doing the same for myself.

On this ride I miss my angels, I remember them I love them I honor them and I mother them........

Forever loving my angels

Hello all, if there is still an all out there to speak to. I know that my blogging has been really shoddy as of late. So I ask if anyone wants to keep up with us or well Jace and how he's doing please feel free to follow us on instagram. 

 my name there is Mizz_B3013

I really hope to get back to writing soon even if it's not here. Writting is my therapy and there is definitely a lot swirling in this head of mine. 

Kisses to the Sky (3yrs and counting)

Three years ago today I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my second baby boy who we named Tristen. I still remember being pregnant with you. I remember how scared I was of losing you, yet how much I wanted you and how I decided to step out on faith ( at least I thought I did) and believe you were coming home with me ( alive and breathing).  I mean I did everything right this time. I pushed to have a cerclage done at 16 weeks I was on p17 and I wasn't doing much of anything if I could help it. I even got up the nerve to make a new blog to record our journey together not knowing that this too would be short lived. But yet again at 18wks+4 I found myself looking up at the ceiling of a hospital praying to God to let you stay with me. I remember calling nan and balling telling her it's happening again. trying to remain hopeful but I think in my heart I knew i'd be telling you goodbye. I remember her getting advice for me from her friend Joanne ( hope I spelled it right). You held on and I listened to your heart beat for a couple of days. until that sad day when the stitch designed to keep you inside and thriving failed me......... I remember being numb at first. Your heart beat two hours after you were born. And I believe you were waiting for me to wake up. So I could have that moment to tell you goodbye. I remember holding your tiny body wishing that this nightmare wasn't happening again. But it was and I found myself going through the motions once more. I'd like to say grieving yet again but it wasn't even that. It was just more grief piled on top of what I was already feeling...............

And here I am, celebrating your 3rd birthday in heaven wishing like always that you and your brother and your sister could be here running around with jace. Imagining what you'd look like, how you'd act, what you would teach him. Loving you and missing you.......

No matter the time that goes by you will never be forgotten......in my mind or in my heart. I love you sweet boy and know that I'm blowing kisses to the sky for you.

Love Mommy

Stories

I remember there was a time when I couldn't look at a baby bump without breaking down into a blubbering mess, I couldn't look at a new born, I couldn't even here the word baby or pregnancy without wanting to crawl into a hole and be alone forever.

And though I am over those feelings ( mostly ) since having my rainbow after the storm, there then comes a different feeling. Yes there are feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness but those aren't the ones I'm talking about.

I'm talking about being out in public and wondering who's heart you're ripping out.  How holding your little one may be making the woman next to you want to crawl into a hole. I'm not saying that I'm not glad I am where I am, it's just that many lights have been turned on.  That just like the women that were in their own world enjoying their blessing didn't know how it made me feel, I am now in that world. And since then there are times when I'm out and I look around and I wonder " hmmmm, is she a part of my world or is/was she in a blissful ignorance?" Does she have a whole other story that I know nothing about? Even with friends or people that I know of that have had a loss/es I try to be sensitive, I try not to parade my joy around for fear of hurting them because I don't want to cause a pain that I know so well. This path is such a delicate one and it sometimes leaves you spinning. And again I am not saying I am at all ashamed of the blessing God has given me at all. I love him and my angels with all my heart. 

These are just thoughts really that I needed to get out, to look at, to see if they make sense. ( I'm hoping they do, but not too sure yet, lol)

I am just amazed sometimes at how a life event can open your eyes. No the people that I pass everyday may not be dealing with loss, but I wonder if they are dealing with something. Have they dealt with something.

Throughout these past few years I have met many different types of people and I find myself wondering what makes them tick. I believe it's true that everyone has a story, it's just that some may be a little rougher than others. 

But I guess I will quit babbling and end here........

Loving my 4

4

Wow! 4 years and it's still unreal at times. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it doesn't.  Especially those days I try to remember a certain detail and I cant. And it breaks my heart. How could I forget, what kind of mother am I to him for forgetting. I mean remembering is the only way I have to parent him. I don't dream of that night anymore, It doesn't break me down like it used to. The hurt of it all is still here but it's not as bad. I can breathe and I can move and I can live.

  I was at work Friday and I looked on the wall of birthdays and there was a kid who was born the day after Camron's due date. I stood for a minute and thought wow, if my baby boy would have made it he would have been getting ready to turn four.  But instead I am hear celebrating 4yrs in heaven. Celebrating my love for him. Thinking about the life he could have, would have had. Talk about a twinge in your heart. But I take comfort in knowing that no matter what I will always love him and never stop missing him. He will always be my first born. My joy, my love and my hope. And I will forever be a mother of 4.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN! Mommy misses you so very much. Just know that I am blowing kisses to heaven. 

Love you mommy

A day of a Different kind

So one birthday has come and now a day of a different kind is fast approaching. Camron's 4th angelversary. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times (more often than not) it feels like it just happened yesterday. I don't have the dreams of that day as often as I used to and that's okay because it allows me to cry a lot less and just remember how much I loved/love him and to just think on the good things. 

I miss him so much. I look at Jace and often wonder if he would have looked the same. I wonder if all of them would have looked like him or how much of a difference there would have been between them. But again I am thankful. I'm thankful for everything that he taught me. He is my first born, and my first love and that will never change. 


Right now I am okay. I started counting down the day of Jace's birthday because ( what are the odds they are 1month apart) my first angel boy and my first earthly boy.

Loving my Angels & Rainbow

A RAINBOW BIRTHDAY !

 It's sometimes  hard to believe that I am here 1 year later celebrating an earthly birthday. I am so amazed and in awe of this little wonder that I have been blessed to parent here on earth. He is such an amazement to me. I don't think I've every hugged him as much as I have today. I've sung happy birthday a zillion times. He's walking, talking ( not actual words, well a few) and mocking everything he sees. And I sit and look at him in amazement. I still remember the day he was born, how scared I was, how hard I cried. I remember the days in the NICU hoping and praying that he would be okay. I remember the doctors telling me how good he was doing. And I remember the day we brought him home. He was so tiny. I could put both of my hands together and he'd fit right there. That is no longer so, I find myself having to actually hold him on my hip, it takes both of my arms wrapped around him to hold him securely and I love it. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Yes he made an early arrival, but that's okay because yet and still he was right on time. He was and is the very thing I need. He is my joy, my light, and my love.

Who would have thought that .......  4 Pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, 2 surgeries  would result in this miracle born March 14th 2012 @ 9:22 p.m  weighing  3lb 5.6oz. 

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY TO MY TREE OF LIFE! I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL BOY!

 

The Fever

The Fever.........Baby Fever that is

I've got it and it's taking me on quite a ride. At my 6wk pp check up my ob told me to wait at least 18 months before trying to conceive again in order to give my body proper time to heal. And since December all I could ( and still do) think about is that September will make 18months. All i can think about it giving jace a sibling here on earth to play with about my baby boy not being the only one.  That how could I not want the joy of having and holding and loving another being that is a part of me. But with this hope comes questions. Can I really do it all over again, will i be able to handle to little ones so close in age. Then comes can I wait longer than 18 months ( if i want them farther apart). I mean it's killing me now ( at least it feels that way) to have to wait that long. And then comes the VERY REAL WORRY of M/C. The knowing that it is a possibility of knowing the hurt and the pain that i went through 3 times to many. That leaves me wondering am I, can I, will I . Risk it again.......... yes I have faith, and no I don't doubt the God that I serve. But it is a reality for me, I know the things that can go wrong and they are never far from my mind. Even with surgery J still came 8wks early and having a baby in the NICU is a very real and sometimes scary thing as well................

Even still feeling all of these things and knowing what i know, there is still something inside of me that says "how can you not try again". To know the joy of holding a living , breathing baby in your arms. To see the look in his yes when you stare at him to feel his skin against yours. How can you not............. 


And not only that,...... I miss being pregnant.  I mean for me the first 10 to 12  ( to 16) weeks are rather rough but even still I miss my growing belly, I miss feeling new sensations, not to mention I didn't get a lot of time ( being that he can at 32wks) to actually see moving across my belly. ( so i'm hoping that the next go round I will make it further). I miss that feeling of knowing I'm growing a little person inside of me. 

And as a bonus I miss being able to eat and not having felt greedy...... and I miss not having a cycle ( I know a little superficial, but it's still a plus) for nine whole months :)

So I think to myself........... is it worth it?

and every time my answer is 

YES!!!!!!!!!!! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS

So hears to hoping that 2013 brings another bundle my way

Hello World ( Blog world that is)

I know I know once again it's been a while since I have been on. But believe me it hasn't been on purpose. A lot has been going on , a lot of which i don't care to share, so I will move on to the good, well great. My big boy! It's hard to believe that in a few short months he will be one. It still amazes me how he is growing and the new things that he does each and every day. So tonight I will leave you with some pictures of my big boy. So many of you have prayed and cried and loved on me it's only right that you see the miracle that you've prayed so hard for.

Hope you enjoy ( if there is even anyone still following lol) and will try to post more.