Jambalaya

So lets see......where to begin...... this month has been a month to say the least ( not really sure how to describe it) 

But I can say i have been one big GIANT bowl of emotions and there have been so many things on my mind but I just haven't had the time to write and so because of this I have named this post .....

Jambalaya 

because it's going to be a mix of things that have been running through my mind probably seeming all over the place but still going together.

So where shall I start....................................

still can't believe this year has made for years without two of my rainbows and 3 yrs without one. I still miss them dearly and xavien has really weighed in on my heart. I wasn't ready for the effect her day had on my. Then on Thanksgiving night I got sick and was stuck in bed for four days ( I know random, but i really really hate being sick) and to top it off Jace was sick as well. Sick mommy plus sick toddler equals a busy ( and probably sad, nerve wracked ) papa. But we managed and survived and we are both up and at'em once more.

Secondly ( if that's even a word) I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog ( if I can even figure out how to do it) But I've been going through a lot and not only that my life is changing and when I need to write about it I don't want to have to go to a whole other blog to do so. I mean just because I have a rainbow doesn't mean that the journey of loss stops. But there are things and happenings in between that i want to write about too and I mean the name just doesn't fit anymore.....

Like the third thing i want to talk about ( and don't want to feel guilty for talking about it here) the fever has returned yet again it subsided for a while but it's rearing it's head once more and the fact that bellies and new babies are popping up around me almost daily it seems isn't helping much at all. And it's really putting me in a funk. I mean there are many I want to be happy for and congratulate but it seems as of late my heaviness hasn't allowed me to. I think it's also the reason Xavien's heaven date hit me so hard as well. (well that amongst other things) But I can't shake it and I'm sure my hubby is tired of hearing about it from me as well. I mean he's agreed to wanting another baby but hasn't really commented on the trying now. So what do i do wait and hope he'll come around soon, or badger him and then possibly have him thinking I only want to "dance" with him strictly for baby making when of course that wouldn't be true. But i don't want to put that kind of pressure on him. Oh what a tangled web I know. I'm getting dizzy just typing it. And I know things aren't easy for us right now, but they weren't easy with jace, or when we were expecting Tristen or Xavien or Camron but we managed and I think we would manage now. And I'm not trying to  irresponsibly bring another baby ( should i be blessed to do so) into this world but I think its a good time and who knows how things will have changed by the time he or she makes their debut. I don't know I guess until the time comes this chic will continue to dream............

I think I'm finally getting sleepy at 3a.m so I guess i will stop here and say good night or good morning :)