For the last few days every time i close my eyes or have a minute to think, I go back to the day that I lost Tristen. Well the days leading up to it rather. I try my best to think of other things but i just can't. I feel like he should be here with me. That something more could have been done. I'm sure that reading about others stories that are similar to mine but had a better outcome doesn't help. I read about bedrest and rescue stitches and other methods taken to help others bring home their miricles and it just makes me feel like more could have been done for me. I beat myself up because maybe I should have done more, asked more, demanded more. But I didn't . My body failed me and I failed him. Yes I was alone and scared and panicked and worried , but even still maybe instead I should have been angry, at least angry enough to demand they go in and dos something rather than ask. Maybe that would have gotten results maybe I would have him here with me today. But I don't. I miss him and I wish he were here, but he's not and I can't seem to shake the feeling that he should be. That all my babies should be. Of course they could'nt all be here at the same time, but That camron should be a toddler, xavien and baby and tristen on the way. Of course this would probably be a whole different blog also.

A friend in need

Hello my bloggy friends,
tonight i come to you asking for prayers for my hubby's co-worker and friend L and his wife E. She is in the hospital and is very ill. I am going to post part of the email that he recieved explaining her condition. Of course the whole names have been taken out and some of the email has, but i just wanted to give an idea of what they are going through.


"they diagnosed her as having
Sarcoid Lung Disease with the pneumonia on top of it. Anyway, in less than
48 hours E was treated with proper medications, life support tubes
removed, and able to talk a little. She had lost over 50% mobility in her
left arm and can not stand at all and throat extremely sore, arms totally
bruised from top to bottom. Dr have put her into in-patience rehabilitation
until she can learn to walk again and use of arms return to normal, or as
close to normal as can be. This has been quite an ordeal, but not out of
the woods yet - still on oxygen, taking multiple meds, and trying to learn
to walk again. actual extent of therapy is unknown as her oxygen levels drop quickly when
she tries to move, so can not give any return date at this time - possible
7-10 days will have a better idea. Right now she can not get out of bed on
her own and both hands very shakey. I have been sleeping at the hosp with
E as this is all very scary to her (and me)."


They were there for hubby and I when we lost each of our babies and I just want to be there for them. I know that I have some prayer warriors out there so if you would just please lift them up in prayer. Thank you all so very much.

If anyone would have told me that this would be my life today, I would'nt have believed them. I remember when i was young having so many dreams and even when some of those dreams didn't come true I forged on and took a new path. But this journey, this journey of loss and grief is a whole different thing. I hate this pain, this grief which is just so heavy. This grief that just when I think I've handed the last of it over to God, swoops in and squeezes me with sorrow. There is no new path to take, no new turn to go down, no oppostie way to run. I can't close my eyes and blink away the pain, I can turn around and go another way, I can't find something to occupy me until something else comes along, I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can only be in it. I can only deal with it. I can only live it. I can only do my best and try and give away the pain while holding on to the good that came of such heartwrenching times in my life.

But today unfortunately is not one of those days. Not one of those moments. I can't remember the good without remembering the bad and what i lost and what i want and need so desperately. Today I feel i need my babies like i need air.

While I am ecstatic and excited and happy for others, today I am just extremely sad for me.

Loving My Angels

What a Wonderful Weekend

Yes I know the weekend is over but i had a good time and I wanted to post about something happy. So here it is. My mom , sis and niece came down this weekend. We didn't do much but it was just fun being together. I don't even really have much to post but just wanted to share some of my fam with the blogosphere. lol

This is my niece Alixxiya (yes her mom just had to be different with spelling her name. LOL) This is the lil pumkin i wrote about in this post , which was one of the most bitter sweet days of my life. but I love her to death and it's crazy how she gives me so much joy.

This is my sister ( yes we are goof balls when we get together), (alixxiya's mom). I love her so much. She and I spent the weekend playing games on my xbox Kinect. (yes i play video games. lol, but playing with the kinect is like fun and exercise all rolled into one, we were seriously sore the next day.)






and this is my mom. I love her so much and was soooooooooo happy to see her this weekend. (posing in the parking lot after church)

And this is the three of us in the parking lot clowining after church. My mom is just as silly as we are sometimes.

Again it was a wonderful weekend.

Loving My Angels