Monday, February 7, 2011

If anyone would have told me that this would be my life today, I would'nt have believed them. I remember when i was young having so many dreams and even when some of those dreams didn't come true I forged on and took a new path. But this journey, this journey of loss and grief is a whole different thing. I hate this pain, this grief which is just so heavy. This grief that just when I think I've handed the last of it over to God, swoops in and squeezes me with sorrow. There is no new path to take, no new turn to go down, no oppostie way to run. I can't close my eyes and blink away the pain, I can turn around and go another way, I can't find something to occupy me until something else comes along, I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can only be in it. I can only deal with it. I can only live it. I can only do my best and try and give away the pain while holding on to the good that came of such heartwrenching times in my life.

But today unfortunately is not one of those days. Not one of those moments. I can't remember the good without remembering the bad and what i lost and what i want and need so desperately. Today I feel i need my babies like i need air.

While I am ecstatic and excited and happy for others, today I am just extremely sad for me.

Loving My Angels


Michele said...

Oh yes... Yes... Yes... Like air. Sometimes the loss is suffocating.

Kara said...

love...hugs...and prayers Shandrea

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could change this pain for you. Holding you close in my heart. ((HUGS))

Amanda said...

Oh Shandrea..I am just so sorry that your heart is so heavy today. I know how rough it is to have a day like feels like you can't see past your grief, and no matter what you try to do the grief just sucks you right back in. Life seems so unfair right now, but brighter days are ahead for you. Sending you many hugs and prayers.

Deni said...

Your beautiful spirit and willingness to share that pain honestly are such a blessing! You continue to support and love people even when it's hard and please know that there is never a moment of your support that doesn't mean the world to me. Your kindness will be forever etched on my heart! Praying for you in your pain, that you're right, you just have to be in. Wishing I could take the pain, but knowing I can't. Love you so very much!

Annie said...

I'm so sorry. Some days it just hits you and there's just no way around it. Sending hugs and prayers your way...

Angie H said...

Hi sweet friend !

Oh how I wish I could come and give you a hug .
I feel like you many times too and the uncertainty of the future is a killer .
The pain of your losses cant be erased but hopefully God will make it easier to bear .
I think you have been so good looking for new paths and you have done all you can and I hope and pray that the new path you are taking now ( The " TAC -path " )is going to make the difference .
Sending you much love and thank you for sharing , I love your posts and they speak to my heart in moments when I just cant write myself .

tonton said...

I am so sorry you are stuggling today. I know too well, how grief can take on a "bottomless" feeling.
Sometimes you feel as though it is the only thing you can feel!!
It is will get through this.

Andrea said...

Love and prayers honey...just more love and prayers. As Deni said, you have a beautiful, loving spirit and have championed us along, even in the depths of hurting you launched an happy 28 weeks text to me. I don't know many peole who would do this. Set aside their own pain for someone else.

You are so loved by all of us and we are here to tie your ROPE. I'm here for you, always.


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