For the last few days every time i close my eyes or have a minute to think, I go back to the day that I lost Tristen. Well the days leading up to it rather. I try my best to think of other things but i just can't. I feel like he should be here with me. That something more could have been done. I'm sure that reading about others stories that are similar to mine but had a better outcome doesn't help. I read about bedrest and rescue stitches and other methods taken to help others bring home their miricles and it just makes me feel like more could have been done for me. I beat myself up because maybe I should have done more, asked more, demanded more. But I didn't . My body failed me and I failed him. Yes I was alone and scared and panicked and worried , but even still maybe instead I should have been angry, at least angry enough to demand they go in and dos something rather than ask. Maybe that would have gotten results maybe I would have him here with me today. But I don't. I miss him and I wish he were here, but he's not and I can't seem to shake the feeling that he should be. That all my babies should be. Of course they could'nt all be here at the same time, but That camron should be a toddler, xavien and baby and tristen on the way. Of course this would probably be a whole different blog also.