Monday, February 28, 2011

For the last few days every time i close my eyes or have a minute to think, I go back to the day that I lost Tristen. Well the days leading up to it rather. I try my best to think of other things but i just can't. I feel like he should be here with me. That something more could have been done. I'm sure that reading about others stories that are similar to mine but had a better outcome doesn't help. I read about bedrest and rescue stitches and other methods taken to help others bring home their miricles and it just makes me feel like more could have been done for me. I beat myself up because maybe I should have done more, asked more, demanded more. But I didn't . My body failed me and I failed him. Yes I was alone and scared and panicked and worried , but even still maybe instead I should have been angry, at least angry enough to demand they go in and dos something rather than ask. Maybe that would have gotten results maybe I would have him here with me today. But I don't. I miss him and I wish he were here, but he's not and I can't seem to shake the feeling that he should be. That all my babies should be. Of course they could'nt all be here at the same time, but That camron should be a toddler, xavien and baby and tristen on the way. Of course this would probably be a whole different blog also.


Deni said...

It's so hard not to wonder, but I know that it happens and you question, especially when you are missing them so badly! Just lifting you up in prayer and asking for God's comfort (and maybe a sign from your angels!). Love you!!!!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

The why has got to be so hard on you, the what ifs! I am so sorry. I would love to tell you not to beat yourself up over this but I am sure I would be doing the same thing. ((HUGS))

Ann said...

Sending you hugs and prayers of comfort and peace.

Kara said...

The "what if's" can drag you to the deepest depths. And sometimes it's impossible to avoid thinking of them. Praying for your heart Shandrea!

Andrea said...

Holding you close and praying for you always. As their Mother, you will always feel conflicted about your protecting them. You protected them honey, you did all that you possibly could. I know this doesn't make it any better and I just wish I could do something to change it all.

Love you so very much and my heart is heavy with yours.


Amanda said...

Hugs..It is so hard to not feel like our bodies failed us or that we could have done more...You can't blame yourself. Sending many prayers out to you..

Angie H said...

Hi ,

Oh how I hate those days when the what if thoughts come .
Its hard to stop them and when you are in it its hard to see clear , just know that what happened is not because of something you did wrong , this was beyond your control dear Shandrea ,you did all the best you could and knew .
I know you took care of yourself , you didnt drink ,you had a healthy lifestyle .

I hope you feel better now as I respond to your post late .
I am hopeful for you and pray for a happy future for you - sending you hugs , always Angie

Holly said...

I haven't met anyone who has lost a child yet that hasn't wondered at some point if something could have been done differently to change the outcome. We all wish we could've done more for our children.

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