I just finished watching The Bachelor, which is a show that i barely watch (b/c i hardly watch tv anymore anyway), but i happened to come across it and it was the final show where he had to pick which girl he wanted to be with. Well as each girl approched , they were somewhat talking about their dreams as far as the kind of man that they were looking for and how this particular guy fit that dream. Well of course we know for one girl that dream didn't come true. Well it got me thinking 1.) Life is not always the way we plan it. 2.) How i used to dream of getting married and becoming a wife and eventually a mother. Lately i've been thinking about it a lot, how most of my friends were dreaming of collage and becoming doctors and lawyers and nurses and teachers, i was dreaming about my husband, and our kids and how many and their names and attending soccer games, and ballet classes and piano recitals and basketball games and who they would take more after and i could go on and on but i will stop there. It's funny how things change in the blink of an eye. I mean for the girl on the bachelor she spent time with the man she thought she would spend forever with only for one of them to be let down. Me i spent 18 wks with my angels, while i had cousins and friends and a sister who made it to the finish line to hold their wonderful, beautiful, living , breathing, crying babies in their arms. No matter how we dream or plan sometimes we can't control the outcome, but the even harder part on this journey is that it makes you want that dream even more. It's amazing what we go through to achieve it. It's amazing that technology hasn't caught up to make it come true with 100% certainty. No matter the treatment there is still risk in it somewhere. Please don't think i am being a downer, b/c that is in no way where i'm going with this, i'm just letting out a few things that have been on my mind.
I feel like my brain is a ping pong table. I've been going back and forth with so many thoughts I sometimes think i may be a little looney, but it's just my new norm.
Do I want to try again
Yes i want to try again
Can you handle another loss
No
Yes
Do you want to risk another loss
No
Maybe
Can you handle another loss
I don't know
I think i can
maybe you should just close shop
but i want to an earthly angel to hold and love who looks like me
but what if he/she doesn't make it
what if you have a hard time concieving
are you will ing to go through all you have to to concieve and risk possibly losing another
where is your faith
I have faith
Maybe i should just focus on hubby and i
Oh wow she's pg with her 4 and i can't get one
why didn't i start when i first got married.............................................................................
and it goes on and on from there then starts all over again. can you imagine trying to sleep with all this on your brain geesh!
Well i think i'm gonna end my ramblings there.
4 comments:
Nomadic....
Unsettled and nomadic, wandering and wondering.
These aren't ramblings, they are real emotions that you are sorting through. It's therapeutic to sort, and in doing so we find meaning, find healing and find pieces of oursleves that we've LOST along the way.
In a "perfect" world we'd be exactly where we set out to be...timing would be perfect and we'd want for nothing. Unfortunately, nothing is perfect...
Hold tight to your dreams dear one. Never lose sight of FAITH and never let go of HOPE. You have the strength to accomplish anything you dream to have :) You'll sit at the soccer field and you'll watch your little beauty doing plies in a tutu. Envision what you want, own it and don't let anything stop you from attaining it.
The going gets Tough, but we get TOUGHER.
Hugs, love and much sunshine
xoxo
right there with ya..thanks for putting my thoughts in writing (= We think a lot alike!
Love your ping pong analogy, I'm gonna steal that (and hyperlink you!!) but I've had that same feeling this weekend and today, just back & forth & back & forth. Ping. Pong. Ping. Pong! Keep moving forward, keep working through it, your answers will come! Thinking of Camron and Xavien with you honey!!! Love and hugs!
Shandrea, I think the same thing. Our desire to have babies outweighs our fears. I completely understand every thing you mentioned a have been feeling them myself. The question that sticks with me is "Do I want to try again?" "Yes i want to try again".
Thinking of you.
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