Friday, March 5, 2010

After Thought.

Last night in our online bible study we had a few questions on comfort, one of them being
How would you like to be comforted now? To which i replied "i want the the tears to stop, I just want understanding, a peace in my heart about my babies. I'm tired of crying , just tired of the tears." A little after our session that night i realized that i kind of sound petty ( well maybe not petty but i can't think of the word i really want to use) or selfish. Which is so not how i'm trying to be. I understand that crying is a way of healing, or a way leading to comfort, but my answer last night was coming from a place that i can't really explain. It's not that i want to forget my experience at all but i had been crying on and off all week and just sometimes i get to a point to where i feel like i just can't bare it anymore, so the only thing i can do is cry out to god to help me, even if the relief is only temporary, but just for that moment i need them to stop. And majority of the time when i ask him he helps me. So i just want to take this time to say that i am thankful and ever so grateful to god for all that he has done for me on this journey, for the people he has allowed in my life and for the times that he has comforted me.

I just had to get this out b/c sometimes i do better writting my feelings than i do trying to explain them out loud, don't know why , i've always been this way but i just am.

Loving Camron and Xavien.


Andrea said...

Hello Grace :)

I can understand wanting a reprieve from the tears. Day after day it becomes mentaly taxing and emotionaly exhausting. It makes you feel fatigued. It's ok to want them to stop and in now way does it mean you are failing the memory of Camron and Xavien.

Keep writing, its therapy :)

Love to you sweet angel,
xoxo your sister of the heart

klarsen said...

You didn't and don't sound petty or selfish at all, sweet Shandrea. It's amazing the things these questions bring out in us and the places they come from. It is all part of God's healing. Everyone of us is grateful for our children, but honestly, I get tired of crying, too. I think we all do.

BIG hugs! (And I always write it better than I say it, too!)

Katy xxx

Meredith said...

You didn't sound selfish at all; I can remember feeling the exact same way for so long... the question that constantly went through my mind was, "When is this all going to be over?" It is normal for you to feel that way, and even when you have that question, it doesn't mean you are going to forget your experience, it just means you want to get to a place where it isn't so exhausting. I promise you; you will get there. Take care... xoxo

Kristie said...

I totally agree with Andrea and Katy and Meredith. Shandrea, you have a right to be tired. Grieving is exhausting, it's like running a battle and the wind against our faces pushing us back and causing us more difficulty comes on like pressure to just be quick. Soemtimes, it's okay to say, 'Alright, I'm sitting down, I'm letting it out, then I'm getting up and getting going at this journey again.' Especially if we don't get our feelings out and let it build up. It's okay to need time to just get rest, and you will get there. I pray right now that you would find peace, and that God would bring healing and comfort with or without tears, but that it would be longer lasting for your kind heart.

Shandrea said...

Thank you all so much. I needed to hear that.:0)

DeniFay said...

I feel that way too honey! I'm just exhausted and it continues to be more and more exhausting and I feel like I just want to sleep for like a month!

Praying for peace and rest for you sweet friend. It will come, as you know God is good all the time. Sending you lots of love!!

Lori said...

Not like it hasn't already been said (and said again!) but I TOTALLY agreed with you! It HURTS to cry! It hurts our hearts; it hurts our souls! Seriously, physically and emotionally, crying takes such a toll. They have done studies showing that tears of sadness cried have a stronger salinity content than tears of happiness. That leads to dehydration and all other sorts of physical effects.
The thing is...your heart hurts. And when it hurts, crying is a natural reaction. For me, crying IS sometimes a nice release, but when it seems like that's all we do because our hearts hurt all the time...well, wanting a little bit of a reprieve from that is NOT selfish--it's self-protective!
I lifting you up tonight...and praying for your heart, friend!

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