I miss Them

Today not much to say, except..................................................................................................................

I miss them. I miss my babies. Right now my heart aches at the memories of holding them and not being able to bring them home.

I thank God for the good in them that he has brougt me. I thank him for the blessings that he still gives. But at this moment i miss my babies. I miss what could have been , what would have been.

Camron and Xavien mommy misses you with all her heart.

Loving my Angels.

Praise Him about it!

This evening was the close out of our churches 10yr anniversary and the guest pastor said something that really touched my heart.

He said "You've prayed about , now it's time to praise him about it"

Of all the things he said , this stuck with me the most. It made me think, how many times have i prayed to god about my sitiuation, (of course many many many times), and not to say that because i wasn't paising him is why i wasn't getting the results i was looking for, but sometimes our praises will get the ball moving a little faster than what it might have been.

And yes when i'm at church and even home, i have praised God, but we all know that when you are down and your heart is heavy, it is so very hard to give him that praise , that shout or that Amen that you give when everything is wonderful.

It just made me wonder...............how much quicker would God move if i praise or even just attempt to praise at my worst. How much quicker would i feel at peace in my moment of despair. I am in no way saying that my hearing from God is dependant or solely dependant on my praise, but i can just imagine the things in store for me even if it's just another happy moment, even if it's just strength in order to give God his praise.

Friday night at our first service for the anniversary celebration, there was a pg woman there. Talk about life throwing you a curve ball or, as my kindred Andrea H says "lifes emotional triggers". I thought i was doing okay with an angelversary and EDD coming up in April, but of course life has a way of showing you where you are sometimes. Looking at this lady all i could think is "that's how your belly should look right now, you should be counting down the days until you're holding your daughter in your arms". And it really caught me by surprise. I was in the middle of singing along with the praise and worship team and i litterally lost my voice. It took everything i had in me not to cry, but of course the tears won out .

Even then without even knowing why , i was kinda mad at myself for not continuing to sing. And i know that i shouldn't have been, but when those words came across this evening, i thought to myself "what if i would have kept praising him" Even with that what if i still have faith and i still believe that God will , no God is answering my prayers.

Forever Loving My Angels

Awarded Again :0)

She loves me she really loves me! LOL! I want to say thank you to Deni @ http://makingourtroxclairfamily.blogspot.com/ who also gave me this lovely award as well. Eventhough i think she's the one who taught me about making lemonade, well wine anyways since i asked her what do i do with sour grapes.

and now for the rules:

1.Put the logo on your blog or within your post.

2.Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude or grattitude.

3.link the nominees within your post.

4.let the nominees know they have recieved the award by commenting on their post.

5.share the love and link the person from who you've recieved the award.

Well first of all i have to send this award back to Deni @ http://nominate%20at%20least%2010%20blogs%20with%20great%20attitude%20or%20gratitude/ at least 10 blogs with great attitude or gratitude. I have to. She has been such a encouragement to me with her perseverance. She has gone through a lot lately and yet she is still trudging on.

Andrea H. @http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com/ My faith is strengthened because of her. When i am low she always picks me up. Her strength and love towards others never ceases to amaze me.

My Nan @ http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/ who despite what she is going through is always checkin on me, who displays such strength.

Debby @ http://wwwforyourtears.blogspot.com/

Lisa @ http://babiesforthebrowns.blogspot.com/

Laura @ http://momentsofpause.blogspot.com/

Lauren @ http://laurensblog.greenfamily.net/

Brie @ http://brieandnickzentil.blogspot.com/ she makes patries but i'm sure she can make lemonade too. (smilling)

Tina @ http://livingwithoutsophiaandellie.blogspot.com/

and last but not least

Jennifer over @ http://hoster777.blogspot.com/

please check out their blogs and the others that i follow. I believe everyone her shows some type of strength. To be on this journey you have to be strong and i believe we have all sqeezed enough lemons for a life time.

I've been Awarded:0)

I just wanted to say thank you to Deni over at http://makingourtroxclairfamily.blogspot.com/

for this award. I feel so special that she thought of me. This is my first blogger award. Iam so excited. The way that i'm acting you would think i've won an Oscar. lol. She has made my day (smilling). Please check out her blog. She seems to always find the words for feeling you can't describe. Thank you Deni!

Now for the rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

2.Copy and paste the award to your blog.

3.Tell 7 interesting facts about yourself.

4.Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog.

Well here are 7 facts about me. I don't know how interesting they are but here they are.

1. My all time favorite movies are Dirty Dancing ( i thought patrick swayze was the most handsome finest man in the world and when i got old enough we'd be married. LOL) Grease and School Daze.

2. I love love love to dance.

3. My favorite food used to be pizza but i think i am now leaning toward lasagna.

4. I'm addicted to the Sims3.

5. I only play one game whenever we go to Dave&Busters.

6. My hubby and i only dated 6 months before we got married.

7. My favorite colors are Blue and Purple.

And now i pass this beautiful award on to:

Andrea H over at http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com/

Nan at http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/

Marie at http://myexpectedend.blogspot.com/

Katy at http://hannahshonor.blogspot.com/

Andrea at http://juliachristmasangel.blogspot.com/

Stephanie at http://carriedthroughgrief.blogspot.com/

and

Lori at http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/

please stop by and visit them as they each have beautiful and wonderful words to share.

Again thank you so much Deni. I would have given it to you again but i didn't want to be yo-yoing back and forth.

This Moment

At this moment i am okay. I can even go on to say that i feel good, not great but good and that is enough for me. At this moment i am (dare i even say it)........... Happy. I have a peace in my heart. I can think about my babies and welcome the feelings of how much i love them and miss them with a smile. Right now at this moment it is easy for me to think of all the good they have brought me though they were only here for a moment. I can be thankful for my time with them with a smile upon my face. At this moment i know that God is up to something and that great things are to come out of it. I am even okay about not knowing how soon these things will happen. Right now i am just enjoying this moment, do i hope that it lasts all day, or even a whole week, of course, but because i know how quickly things can change i'm going to take the time to enjoy this moment and if it becomes more than a moment then i will welcome it with open arms. But right now i'm just going to enjoy this moment.

Though i held you in my arms for a moment. I'll hold you in my heart forever.

Loving my Angels

After Thought.

Last night in our online bible study we had a few questions on comfort, one of them being
How would you like to be comforted now? To which i replied "i want the the tears to stop, I just want understanding, a peace in my heart about my babies. I'm tired of crying , just tired of the tears." A little after our session that night i realized that i kind of sound petty ( well maybe not petty but i can't think of the word i really want to use) or selfish. Which is so not how i'm trying to be. I understand that crying is a way of healing, or a way leading to comfort, but my answer last night was coming from a place that i can't really explain. It's not that i want to forget my experience at all but i had been crying on and off all week and just sometimes i get to a point to where i feel like i just can't bare it anymore, so the only thing i can do is cry out to god to help me, even if the relief is only temporary, but just for that moment i need them to stop. And majority of the time when i ask him he helps me. So i just want to take this time to say that i am thankful and ever so grateful to god for all that he has done for me on this journey, for the people he has allowed in my life and for the times that he has comforted me.

I just had to get this out b/c sometimes i do better writting my feelings than i do trying to explain them out loud, don't know why , i've always been this way but i just am.


Loving Camron and Xavien.

Whammy

Anyone remember the game whammy where theres a board switching different pic and you have to try and stop it on the money or prize and not get a whammy, which is the red lil thing that takes your money and like drops feathers or something wierd on you.

Well i feel like that today, at least at this moment. I've been hit with a whammy. A friend that i hadn't talked to in a while called me today and the convo went a little something like this

Me: hello

her: may i speak to shandrea

Me: this is she

her: hey how are you, are you still pg

Me: I'm okay , makin it, and no we lost her

her: oh....i'm sorry to hear that......

A little idle covo in between of are you working ,i'm in school and then

WHAMMY

Her: well i'm pg, i just found out last week , it's been a long week. My moms excited but i'm not, i didn't want anymore,, i guess b/c i'm not done partying, not that i was out a lot before but that was because i didn't want to be, now i have to stay in, maybe when i get to like5 months i'll be excited and start buying stuff......

yeah after that i was just pretty much going through the motions of ......oh yeah, okay , yeah i know right , uh huh.

I mean seriously i feel like i hit a whammy and landed on the everybodies got a bun except you whammy. Surprisingly i didn't break down in tears . It was more like me thinking "wow , seriously, another one" " great!" .

I know they say when life hands you lemons you should make lemonade, but what about when you're handed a bunch of sour grapes.................

what a day!

Dreams and other Randomness

I just finished watching The Bachelor, which is a show that i barely watch (b/c i hardly watch tv anymore anyway), but i happened to come across it and it was the final show where he had to pick which girl he wanted to be with. Well as each girl approched , they were somewhat talking about their dreams as far as the kind of man that they were looking for and how this particular guy fit that dream. Well of course we know for one girl that dream didn't come true. Well it got me thinking 1.) Life is not always the way we plan it. 2.) How i used to dream of getting married and becoming a wife and eventually a mother. Lately i've been thinking about it a lot, how most of my friends were dreaming of collage and becoming doctors and lawyers and nurses and teachers, i was dreaming about my husband, and our kids and how many and their names and attending soccer games, and ballet classes and piano recitals and basketball games and who they would take more after and i could go on and on but i will stop there. It's funny how things change in the blink of an eye. I mean for the girl on the bachelor she spent time with the man she thought she would spend forever with only for one of them to be let down. Me i spent 18 wks with my angels, while i had cousins and friends and a sister who made it to the finish line to hold their wonderful, beautiful, living , breathing, crying babies in their arms. No matter how we dream or plan sometimes we can't control the outcome, but the even harder part on this journey is that it makes you want that dream even more. It's amazing what we go through to achieve it. It's amazing that technology hasn't caught up to make it come true with 100% certainty. No matter the treatment there is still risk in it somewhere. Please don't think i am being a downer, b/c that is in no way where i'm going with this, i'm just letting out a few things that have been on my mind.

I feel like my brain is a ping pong table. I've been going back and forth with so many thoughts I sometimes think i may be a little looney, but it's just my new norm.

Do I want to try again

Yes i want to try again

Can you handle another loss

No

Yes

Do you want to risk another loss

No

Maybe

Can you handle another loss

I don't know

I think i can

maybe you should just close shop

but i want to an earthly angel to hold and love who looks like me

but what if he/she doesn't make it

what if you have a hard time concieving

are you will ing to go through all you have to to concieve and risk possibly losing another

where is your faith

I have faith

Maybe i should just focus on hubby and i

Oh wow she's pg with her 4 and i can't get one

why didn't i start when i first got married.............................................................................

and it goes on and on from there then starts all over again. can you imagine trying to sleep with all this on your brain geesh!

Well i think i'm gonna end my ramblings there.