Love/Hate

I at this moment am in a Love/Hate relationship with the coming weeks. There's so much to love about them yet there's things that I hate about them.

I Love that in my 16th and 17th weeks and even at the beginning of my 18th(the first day of wk 18 to be exact) that my cervix was holding strong and still looked normal.

I also Hate that in my 18th week I gave birth 5months too soon.

I Love that in my 16th week I began to get my energy back. That I could move around and at least have the energy to fix me a decent meal.

I Hate the fact that I didn't get to enjoy this stage of pregnancy very long.

I Love that I began to feel the baby's kicks at the beginning of my 18th week.

I Hate that this feeling didn't last very long.

I Love the fact that this time reminds me of when I first learned what it meant to fall in Love a way that you never knew could exist.

But I Hate the fact that it reminds me of the greatest losses in my Life.

Yes this point and time is like a roller coaster ride with a lot of dips and loops.

But never the less I LOVE the fact that in those dips i am still looking up . That I still have Hope that I am looking forward to seeing 18wks and beyond. That my trust is not in these emotions that can sometimes be all over the place, that aren't always the same. But my trust is in the One who sits high and looks low. The One that has carried me through grief that heals me, that holds me and that comforts me. And that I could never hate.

Update with the Ob

Yesterday I had an appointment with my ob. All in all it was a great appointment minus a few things. So I guess I'll start with the not so happy things first and that way I can end on a good note.

Still no pictures this time. Apperantly they sent her the wrong part for her printer so no pictures (which i guess I can say was kinda okay because I go in on wednesday to see the MFM so I should get some pictures then)

and the only other sucky thing is she only has priveliges at the hospital where I delivered Camron (which I should have checked before hand) , but I love her as my ob. She is very caring, very concerned, never rushes me and is always listening to me and what I need. She also told me that as far as doctors and staff and lot has changed and she will do her best to make sure I have a better esperience. So in talking to her she kinda made me feel better but I'm not too sure yet.

As far as me I've gained 1lb since my last visit and I think thus far I have gained a total of 4lbs maybe and my blood pressure is back to normal. It was running a little low on earlier visits.

And now for the good news. Baby is doing great his (not sure if bb is a boy or girl but I get tired of say he/she or it or bb so for now it's he) heart rate is strong at 155. I so love that he is a mover. I got kicks and waves and booty shakes (yes for some reason this baby like to shake his but on screen) and I love every bit of it. It relieves a lot nervousness that I have on my way in for my appointments. Dr. V also looked at my stitch and said that is looking good, and holding well. I go and see Dr. S on wednesday so I will get and actual cervix length check then.
All in all things are good and I am so very thankful. I just continue to hope and pray that all continues going well.

14wks and an appointment

So today I am exactly 14wks along. I have no pictures to post this time because the past few weeks I have been too lazy to make myself look like something and wouldn't dare scare anybody by posting pics of me in with my hair all over my head. Although today I looked somewhat decent I just didn't feel too much like pulling out the the camera.

I had an appointment with my Ob on friday which went great. I got to have a nice long look at my butter bean who now looks more like Mr. Peanut to me (hee hee ). I got to see him wave at me (haven't found out the sex yet but just saying him ) and also shook his but at me as well. I loved it and I loved seeing him on the screen. But unfortunately no take home pic this time. There was a patient before me who's children decided it would be fun to play with the u/s machine and well, she can't print pictures now. I hope she has a new machine by the time I go back on the 18th or there is gonna be some smoke in the city cause I will be one HOT mama! I only have pictures of my bean when he looked like ........well a bean and now that he is starting to look like somebody I would like that picture to stare at.

Wow I'm 14wks already! I say already but I feel like time is moving so slowly. LoL but I think I'm just anxious to make it to a point that I've never made it to before. But I am thankful for the peace that God has given me because I'm cautious but not worried. I think everyone around me is more worried than I am. I am just grateful for this little blessing.

I am still praying for all of my angel moms who are still awaiting their moment. I pray that God blesses you with a baby to take home and raise here with you, in your arms.

I also started my phlebotomy clinicals today. I know it's seems like it took forever but I had to wait for the full timers to finish so that I could get a spot. It was a good day and I did better than I thought. THANK GOD! I hope tomorrow goes even better. Well I'm off to get myself together and get to bed.

Blowing sweet kisses to my Angels!

Wave of Light and other ramblings...........

So lets see......... it's been a bit of a stretch since I last wrote and it's not that I haven't had anything to say as a matter of fact I think I've had too much swirling around, but I just haven't had the energy. So I'll start with Saturday Oct. 15 which was the Wave of Light Remembrance
I've been celebrating this day for 2 years now and though this time things are a little different makes this no less special.

I think many believe that being pregnant again replaces all that you go through when you lose a child. But it just isn't so. Yes I'm pregnant again, but if you don't know me personally, or don't read my blog then you would never have known, because my house is empty except for the keepsakes of 3 beautiful angels that I was able to carry for a short while. To the world outside of loss I am just another person. But to those who know, who understand , I am a mother.

So yes I'm tired, and yes I'm nauseated and yes my belly has begun to grow, but
I remember
the heartache, the shattered soul, the tears, the sleepless nights, I remember the quiet after giving birth, no baby crying, no congratulations, just silence, just hurt , just pain, just questions...........
I remember
babies gone before and after mine, parents grieving there lost children, families sometimes broken
Yes I am beyond thankful to be where I am at this moment, I am beyond thankful for the peace of mind that God has given me, I am thankful for his faitfulness that even though there were times I felt like it, he has never left me and I am thankful that I remember where I once was, I remember how it felt, I can still hold myself together, I have known a love like no other I am simply thankful



In this journey I know that a lot of times for a lot of people that faith is shaken and sometimes lost. But I am grateful that though I was shaken at one point, and though I at times wanted to stop believing, that God wouldn't let me. I will always remember what happened but I will also remember that I am surviving and that just amazes me. My God never ceases to amaze me. I can remember being pregnant with xavien and being scared to move and of course it is said that all pregnancies are different which in turn is true but after loss it's hard for anxiety to be different, but for me this time it is. Yes I have my moments but they are just that, moments. It's like when fear tries to creep in God doesn't let it. He instead reminds me of his promises and of his word. I can't even explain it, I mean of course sometimes things creep in , but I don't dwell on them (and there was once a time that i did). But his peace has been surrounding me. It's just unexplainable and I know it may sound like I'm rambling but right now this is the best way I can describe it. I am just glad that I held on to the sliver of faith that I had. I am thankful that he has grown that faith into what it is now and I am blessed because I know that it can only get better.

10

So today I have reached double digits in this pregnancy. I am exactly 10wks. That means I have 2wks until I can say I have made it to the second trimester , 8wks until I reach the point where I Camron and Xavien were born, and the point were I went into the hospital with Tristen and 9wks away from the point when he was born. So needless to say that this will be an interesting time. I can't say that I am nervous, but I think I'm anxious to get to that point and past it. I whole heartedly believe that I will bring home a healthy living baby this time, but sometimes things do sneak up on me. I hope and pray everyday that this TAC is doing it's job. I try my best to live in the moment, thank God for this pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it I can, which is sometimes hard to do when you're exausted , nauseated and stuffy.









It's such a delicate balance. I try my best not to complain because I don't want to seem ungrateful, but sometimes it just seems hard. I've been pregnant 3 years in a row now and the first 2 years never getting past the point where relief starts to come. It's like I went from nausea to heartache. and this pregnancy is so very different from those pregnancies. I absolutely cannot stand water, yes water I know right ! the most tasteless thing the most needed thing for me and I hate it, it's a task for me to get down one bottle of it, but I force myself and as of late it's been kinda easy, oh and I also love frosted flakes right now, and I have to have eggs and pancakes every morning (sometimes biscuits instead). This time around my 10wk belly looks like a 14wk belly lol. and I've actually had some pretty bad cramping from time to time. and again nausea sucks! BUT, I will endure it all, I am thankful for it all, because it means I have a baby that is growing and thriving and most importantly alive! So I will take it all, I will endure it all with hoping and praying that this one will come home , living, breathing and in my arms and not as a box of memories.











Sorry this post may be a little all over the place (my mind has been all over the place lately)










I've also decided that it's time I started take some belly shots so here goes: (oh and please don't mind the hair)

So my appointment yesterday went well. I got to see the butterbean and heartbeat. My doctor told me I am measuring on track and so far everything looks good. Then we went to her office and talked about my blood work. she tested me for everything under the sun.

Disclaimer: TMI coming up.

All tests were negative except for one. which she said that I carry a backteria that most women naturally carry and is harmless except in pregnant women. She gave me the name but I can remember it for the life of me (bacterial something with a P) anywho she said that it has been known to cause pre-term labor (which of course had me worried) it's nothing that is curable (cue more worry) but they do treat it to bring down the levels of it (okay somewhat nervous now but not really) but they can't treat it until 2wks. the medicine used for it isn't safe until the second trimester. So I have 3 wks well a little less than that (i will be exactly 10wks on monday) until I can get the medicine. But I must say overall I am not worried (a little concerned, but not worried) I have a peace that I know only God can give and I am ever so thankful for it.

I am also thankful to have an OB that is so thorough and caring. She actually sits and talks with me and makes me feel as if I matter, as if my concerns matter. That is so such a blessing to have. She told me to not hesitate to come in if i feel the need. Even if i don't have an appointment. She told me don't feel crazy because my concerns are valid. She even said I can call the answering service on the weekends when they are closed and they will get in touch with her.
That is such a relief to hear. After being treated as if my concerns where nothing or that I'm overreacting or being told things are fine when i know they werent and then losing babies because I felt no one listened, have Dr. V is such a relief.

So after talking she asked if I wanted to come again in 2wks or did I think I could make it 4. I told her that I think i can make it 4, but if i can't i'd call or just come in ;O)

So my next appointment with her is Nov 4 and my next appointment with Dr. S is Nov 23 but not sure if i can make it that long before seeing her, so that may change.

all in all I am thankful to be right were I am.

and on a totally off topic happy note:
I got 4 pair of shoes for under 200 bucks ;O) score 1 or 4 for me!

Geesh I am really slacking on the blogging. But as of now I have no energy to do much of anything at the moment ;O)

Anywho first off the appointment with my MFM went well. She said everything looks good cerclage cervix and baby. Baby was measuring at 8wk2days which to me is ahead about a week of what I thought I was (by my calculations lol) and had a heartbeat of 160. I don't have to see her again until november (which will be the scary weeks of this pregncancy, well okay not will , but maybe) but as I get into double digits with this pregnancy I may try and get in earlier. However I do get to go friday to my ob which is great because I will get to see butterbean again hopefully with a regular u/s and not the wand ;O/.

In other thoughts:
I've been thinking wether or not to chronicle this pregnancy in a different blog. As of now I'm leaning into keeping it on this blog. I know that there are many on this journey that are still waiting for their rainbows and that my updating may be hard to read, but I also think of the fact that this is apart of my journey. Where I am now and where I'm going is a part of where I've been and I believe it is all apart of a great testimony of what I believe my life will be and not to mention that I'm not even halfway to my rainbow yet (though yes I'm choosing to believe I will get there). But this is still apart of the journey. I'm thinking of maybe just changing the blog name but I havent really figured out a name yet if I do decide to change it. But we shall see.