2years

Two years ago today a piece of my heart grew wings and flew away. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been two years, especially when the grief sneaks up on you and makes it feel as if it's just happend minutes, hours or even days ago. Other times it feel as if you been gone even longer. But no matter how long one thing still remains. I still miss him, I still long for him, I still wish for him. I still close my eyes at times and go back to the day I held his small body. I remember how I wished so hard that you didn't have to leave me. I remember not wanting to say goodbye. But I find the comfort in now knowing that it isn't goodbye, but more of a see you later. I know that no matter how I wish you were here with me, that you are safe in the masters arms. So Happy 2 years in Heaven to my first born Camron Jaiden. Forever Loving My Angels

I smiled today because of this. I thought about how if you were here that this is what your cake would look like on your birthday, just a little bigger mess than this one. But I'd make you a cake myself every year, (i probably still will) they'd just get better because i'd go and take some baking classes and cake decorating classes. <3

I was on my way home from dropping my sister at school and out of nowhere (of course leave it to grief to just sneak up on you) I began to think. It's only April and yet I find myself somewhat saddened over next month. One would think that I'd be excited seeing as how it is my birthday month, but another shadow looms over me instead. Mother's Day. I am so very happy for my kindred spirits who now get to celebrate this day with earthly angels, but I am at this moment so very sad for myself. And the funny thing is , it's not that I don't have my babies here, that bothers me the most. It's the fact that there will be people telling me "Happy Mother's Day", but it won't be for the reason I would hope they would. They will be saying it for the fact that I am a step mom. Not because I have 3 angels in heaven, not because I am a mother in a most unconventional way, Not because I gave birth. Sometimes I sit and think that , "Hey, I'll just stay in and turn off my phone, and lay in bed all day". But that wouldn't be me. My God did not give me the spirit of fear. I also know that he can work a miracle, that I can do all things through him. So what will I do? I will put on my big girl panties, and brave the day. I will even brave this moment. I will be still and know that he is God. Though tears may flow and my gets heavy, I will hold on and I will be encouraged. And of course when I need to let it out, I will come here.

So I found out at the beginning of the week that the SIL is having a girl.........Yes I know I know, what's the big deal...........well I'd like to say that it makes me sad (which in a way it does), but really the green eyed monster has reared it's head, yes I'm jealous, Jealous Of the fact that even though she's had a m/c (though very early but a m/c none the less) that seems to not have affected her at all (shown by the sometimes insensitive things she's said or done). and yes I'm glad that she wasn't a big ball of depression and negativity like I once was. But to at least remember or act like she know's that pain The fact that she wanted to have a baby and she went on to have a handsome , sweet and smart little boy (let me be fair in saying that it was in fact a long while before she got pg again) The fact that she wanted another baby and got pg again. She wanted a girl, and guess what! She's having a girl! Writing this down and looking at it all seems a little bit silly. But this is the way I feel. Do I want to feel this way, no, of course not. But I do. I love my SIL with all my heart (even when she's a little nutty (for lack of a better word) ) But the fact still remains, that when I think about it at times, I am saddened and I am hurt. She's somewhat at a place I want to be (the having a baby part), and it seems that for some reason I can't get to , haven't gotten to yet and it sometimes leaves me wondering why not me. What do I have to do, what am I missing , when will it happen. It all just sucks. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help feeling this way. And honestly it's not just her. I have many IRL friends around me who are pg with their 2cnd and 3rd child, but I guess it's b/c she is right here in my immediate environment. I don't know. All I know is that I hate this feeling. But I'm still holding on and finding some comfort in knowing that it will one day be my turn. Hopefully this post will soon be followed by stories of hope, joy, rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops, bouncing babies and anything else that makes the heart smile ;O)

Such is this Life

It's been a while since i have written and it's crazy because I have had so many thoughts , but just haven't been able to put them down. Probably because half of them weren't complete and the other half I couldn't realy explain in order to put them down (if that makes since). Lately I've been thinking about the things I want in my life and of course becoming an earthly mom is a major part of that. So much so that I'm having a somewhat hard time fitting the rest of my life into that. I would like to find at least a part time job, but I haven't worked in a year due to the times i was pg and was scared to do anything for fear of losing my baby (which of course that still happened). Then there's the fact that I want to go back to school. I want to start out with phlebotomy b/c that's only 4months , so i could get my foot in the door of the healthcare field, then while working in that field I want to go to school for nursing. It's my way of giving back. To show the kindness and caring that i wish i had gotten when I lost camron. But of course I also want to be a mommy and if when i become pg at the time of being in school that may interfere with my schooling and there's also the fact that if when I become an earthly mommy I know i won't want to leave my baby at home while i have to return to work. But then the latter I can deal with, I just really want to one day (soon have and earthly bundle of joy born from my womb)(geesh i hope that doesn't seem to harsh, but at this point that is what i truly want) I still get amazed at how much of my life this journey that I am on takes up, how it affects every facet of things I want to do, but i guess such is the life of a BLM. And even through it all I still have hope and I still know that God is doing something great in me and for me, I just sometimes wish that he'd put a rush on it. ;O/ Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Phil 4:6