Kisses to the Sky (3yrs and counting)

Three years ago today I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my second baby boy who we named Tristen. I still remember being pregnant with you. I remember how scared I was of losing you, yet how much I wanted you and how I decided to step out on faith ( at least I thought I did) and believe you were coming home with me ( alive and breathing).  I mean I did everything right this time. I pushed to have a cerclage done at 16 weeks I was on p17 and I wasn't doing much of anything if I could help it. I even got up the nerve to make a new blog to record our journey together not knowing that this too would be short lived. But yet again at 18wks+4 I found myself looking up at the ceiling of a hospital praying to God to let you stay with me. I remember calling nan and balling telling her it's happening again. trying to remain hopeful but I think in my heart I knew i'd be telling you goodbye. I remember her getting advice for me from her friend Joanne ( hope I spelled it right). You held on and I listened to your heart beat for a couple of days. until that sad day when the stitch designed to keep you inside and thriving failed me......... I remember being numb at first. Your heart beat two hours after you were born. And I believe you were waiting for me to wake up. So I could have that moment to tell you goodbye. I remember holding your tiny body wishing that this nightmare wasn't happening again. But it was and I found myself going through the motions once more. I'd like to say grieving yet again but it wasn't even that. It was just more grief piled on top of what I was already feeling...............

And here I am, celebrating your 3rd birthday in heaven wishing like always that you and your brother and your sister could be here running around with jace. Imagining what you'd look like, how you'd act, what you would teach him. Loving you and missing you.......

No matter the time that goes by you will never be forgotten......in my mind or in my heart. I love you sweet boy and know that I'm blowing kisses to the sky for you.

Love Mommy

Stories

I remember there was a time when I couldn't look at a baby bump without breaking down into a blubbering mess, I couldn't look at a new born, I couldn't even here the word baby or pregnancy without wanting to crawl into a hole and be alone forever.

And though I am over those feelings ( mostly ) since having my rainbow after the storm, there then comes a different feeling. Yes there are feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness but those aren't the ones I'm talking about.

I'm talking about being out in public and wondering who's heart you're ripping out.  How holding your little one may be making the woman next to you want to crawl into a hole. I'm not saying that I'm not glad I am where I am, it's just that many lights have been turned on.  That just like the women that were in their own world enjoying their blessing didn't know how it made me feel, I am now in that world. And since then there are times when I'm out and I look around and I wonder " hmmmm, is she a part of my world or is/was she in a blissful ignorance?" Does she have a whole other story that I know nothing about? Even with friends or people that I know of that have had a loss/es I try to be sensitive, I try not to parade my joy around for fear of hurting them because I don't want to cause a pain that I know so well. This path is such a delicate one and it sometimes leaves you spinning. And again I am not saying I am at all ashamed of the blessing God has given me at all. I love him and my angels with all my heart. 

These are just thoughts really that I needed to get out, to look at, to see if they make sense. ( I'm hoping they do, but not too sure yet, lol)

I am just amazed sometimes at how a life event can open your eyes. No the people that I pass everyday may not be dealing with loss, but I wonder if they are dealing with something. Have they dealt with something.

Throughout these past few years I have met many different types of people and I find myself wondering what makes them tick. I believe it's true that everyone has a story, it's just that some may be a little rougher than others. 

But I guess I will quit babbling and end here........

Loving my 4

4

Wow! 4 years and it's still unreal at times. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it doesn't.  Especially those days I try to remember a certain detail and I cant. And it breaks my heart. How could I forget, what kind of mother am I to him for forgetting. I mean remembering is the only way I have to parent him. I don't dream of that night anymore, It doesn't break me down like it used to. The hurt of it all is still here but it's not as bad. I can breathe and I can move and I can live.

  I was at work Friday and I looked on the wall of birthdays and there was a kid who was born the day after Camron's due date. I stood for a minute and thought wow, if my baby boy would have made it he would have been getting ready to turn four.  But instead I am hear celebrating 4yrs in heaven. Celebrating my love for him. Thinking about the life he could have, would have had. Talk about a twinge in your heart. But I take comfort in knowing that no matter what I will always love him and never stop missing him. He will always be my first born. My joy, my love and my hope. And I will forever be a mother of 4.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN! Mommy misses you so very much. Just know that I am blowing kisses to heaven. 

Love you mommy

A day of a Different kind

So one birthday has come and now a day of a different kind is fast approaching. Camron's 4th angelversary. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times (more often than not) it feels like it just happened yesterday. I don't have the dreams of that day as often as I used to and that's okay because it allows me to cry a lot less and just remember how much I loved/love him and to just think on the good things. 

I miss him so much. I look at Jace and often wonder if he would have looked the same. I wonder if all of them would have looked like him or how much of a difference there would have been between them. But again I am thankful. I'm thankful for everything that he taught me. He is my first born, and my first love and that will never change. 


Right now I am okay. I started counting down the day of Jace's birthday because ( what are the odds they are 1month apart) my first angel boy and my first earthly boy.

Loving my Angels & Rainbow

A RAINBOW BIRTHDAY !

 It's sometimes  hard to believe that I am here 1 year later celebrating an earthly birthday. I am so amazed and in awe of this little wonder that I have been blessed to parent here on earth. He is such an amazement to me. I don't think I've every hugged him as much as I have today. I've sung happy birthday a zillion times. He's walking, talking ( not actual words, well a few) and mocking everything he sees. And I sit and look at him in amazement. I still remember the day he was born, how scared I was, how hard I cried. I remember the days in the NICU hoping and praying that he would be okay. I remember the doctors telling me how good he was doing. And I remember the day we brought him home. He was so tiny. I could put both of my hands together and he'd fit right there. That is no longer so, I find myself having to actually hold him on my hip, it takes both of my arms wrapped around him to hold him securely and I love it. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Yes he made an early arrival, but that's okay because yet and still he was right on time. He was and is the very thing I need. He is my joy, my light, and my love.

Who would have thought that .......  4 Pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, 2 surgeries  would result in this miracle born March 14th 2012 @ 9:22 p.m  weighing  3lb 5.6oz. 

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY TO MY TREE OF LIFE! I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL BOY!

 

The Fever

The Fever.........Baby Fever that is

I've got it and it's taking me on quite a ride. At my 6wk pp check up my ob told me to wait at least 18 months before trying to conceive again in order to give my body proper time to heal. And since December all I could ( and still do) think about is that September will make 18months. All i can think about it giving jace a sibling here on earth to play with about my baby boy not being the only one.  That how could I not want the joy of having and holding and loving another being that is a part of me. But with this hope comes questions. Can I really do it all over again, will i be able to handle to little ones so close in age. Then comes can I wait longer than 18 months ( if i want them farther apart). I mean it's killing me now ( at least it feels that way) to have to wait that long. And then comes the VERY REAL WORRY of M/C. The knowing that it is a possibility of knowing the hurt and the pain that i went through 3 times to many. That leaves me wondering am I, can I, will I . Risk it again.......... yes I have faith, and no I don't doubt the God that I serve. But it is a reality for me, I know the things that can go wrong and they are never far from my mind. Even with surgery J still came 8wks early and having a baby in the NICU is a very real and sometimes scary thing as well................

Even still feeling all of these things and knowing what i know, there is still something inside of me that says "how can you not try again". To know the joy of holding a living , breathing baby in your arms. To see the look in his yes when you stare at him to feel his skin against yours. How can you not............. 


And not only that,...... I miss being pregnant.  I mean for me the first 10 to 12  ( to 16) weeks are rather rough but even still I miss my growing belly, I miss feeling new sensations, not to mention I didn't get a lot of time ( being that he can at 32wks) to actually see moving across my belly. ( so i'm hoping that the next go round I will make it further). I miss that feeling of knowing I'm growing a little person inside of me. 

And as a bonus I miss being able to eat and not having felt greedy...... and I miss not having a cycle ( I know a little superficial, but it's still a plus) for nine whole months :)

So I think to myself........... is it worth it?

and every time my answer is 

YES!!!!!!!!!!! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS

So hears to hoping that 2013 brings another bundle my way

Hello World ( Blog world that is)

I know I know once again it's been a while since I have been on. But believe me it hasn't been on purpose. A lot has been going on , a lot of which i don't care to share, so I will move on to the good, well great. My big boy! It's hard to believe that in a few short months he will be one. It still amazes me how he is growing and the new things that he does each and every day. So tonight I will leave you with some pictures of my big boy. So many of you have prayed and cried and loved on me it's only right that you see the miracle that you've prayed so hard for.

Hope you enjoy ( if there is even anyone still following lol) and will try to post more.