This was supposed to be the week

I didn't think it would bother me this much. I really thought I'd be okay. But I'm not. This week should be a great week. My birthday is wednesday but it's also the day of my scheduled c-sec. I would be 39wks 2days and it was gonna be the perfect gift for me. Don't get me wrong he IS the PERFECT gift for me though he just came early. I know that Jace is my miracle. I look at the progress he made in the NICU I see how well he does here at home with me and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my miracle. I believe that he arrived on time. No it wasn't my time or the time I expected him to come, but I know he came on time.


Even with knowing all of this there's still a little something that tugs at my heart when I think about the fact that he should still be resting up and gaining a little more weight, that my belly should be a little bigger than it was weeks ago, that i would be putting the last touches on his nursery. I know it may be weird but I miss waking up to his kicks. I think it's just the fact that this week I would have expected him to be coming, this week i could wrap my mind around the fact that i'd be holding him soon. But he made his debut earlier than expected. He caught us all by surprise.


So though things didn't go as planned ( and of course i shouldn't be surprised, it's not like my life has ever gone the way I planned) and that's okay. So I'm gonna feel and I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna go and hold my sleeping rainbow and think of all the good things he has brought me, how much I love him and how I wouldn't have things any other way. Because it may not have been my time but he was on time.

NIAW

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week
And though I am not one who is affected directly by IF, I know many strong and brave women who are. Many live in a world where all you have to do is have sex to get pregnant. When in fact it's not that easy. Pregnancy and having a baby at the end of 9 months is a miracle. And even still many people think the solution to IF is simple cut and dry. IVF, IUI, or Adopt. When in fact it's not. NONE of these options guarantee a baby for one and for two none of these options are as simple as they seem. Your heart and mind have to be ready to consider any of these options. IF crushes a dream that we all have. To have a child of our own, the old fashioned way. And having that dream taken away hurts. Women that I know who's lives are affected by IF are some of the strongest, women I know.  Just knowing the things they have to go through to achieve a dream that is not guaranteed to come true, but yet  trudge forth. Of course they aren't all smiles and giggles everyday, but they are surviving. They are standing, they are putting the word out about IF they are speaking about it in hopes that their words help someone else. And today I want to do my part in spreading the word about IF.  


So I will end with a few facts about IF.

1. Infertility is most often defined as the inability to achieve pregnancy following one year of unprotected sexual intercourse, or two or more miscarriages. 
2. Approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States, or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age, have difficulty conceiving.  
3. One in six couples (17%) trying to get pregnant will experience some degree of infertility.
4. Infertility affects both men and women
5. 10% of all couples experience unexplained infertility, when no specific cause can be identified in either partner.

Needing a little advice

Hello blogosphere the little one is sleeping and I was planning to nap with him, but before I do I need a little help. I never realized there was so much to breast feeding and or pumping.  I still have milk flowing, not much but that's my fault because I haven't been eating as i should. Sometimes I only eat once a day. But that is not the problem. My problem is my breast are beginning to look uneven ( so totally embarrassed  to put this out there but i need help), well not look they are. Lefty makes more than Righty and I guess because of it Lefty is bigger. It's not noticeable outside of my clothes yet, ( at least to me it doesn't seem that way yet) but when I take off my clothes I can tell. And I don't want it to get to being noticeable on the outside. I've tried getting jace to feed on my right side first and longer than on the left. I've also tried pumping the right more than the left, but thus far nothing has helped and I don't want to stop bf, but I also don't want to be lop sided for the rest of my life either, so if anyone has any advice please send it my way. My boobs and I would greatly appreciate it ! 

What's in a word

A lot. There's a lot in a word. Yes some words are simple and straight to the point, but there are other words that have a lot more to them. Especially walking this road. And well this has been on my mind for a while and well something always comes up and I have to push it to the side and well now it keeps ringing in my mind and I need to get this out.

Miscarriage. A word that is so very heavy in meaning, but many people don't truly understand what that word means. And in a way how can you be surprised when even the medical field classifies it as an abortion (which I hate) because to me that word has a whole other meaning ( and please no offense meant to those that have had to have one, but it just not the same to me). 

I guess this is coming from the fact that when I tell people that I've had miscarriages many think of it as just losing a mass of tissue that could have or eventually would have been a baby, when in fact it's much more. People don't realize that 1. no matter how early the loss, it was a baby, it was wanted it was hoped for and it was loved from the very point of conception. I remember a while back a woman asked me if i had any children and I told her I'd had a m/c. She then preceded with saying " so you don't have any children". I wanted to hit her upside the head and say yes, yes I have a child. No he did not survive but yes I have a child.

A m/c is more than just as some say, passing tissue. No it's a baby. It's not easy to sit at home and wait for you baby to pass, looking at each clot wondering if that's your baby or what part, or is that all or how much more do you have to endure. It's not easy to labor and to push out a baby only to hear silence or just the sound of your tears when your baby should be crying. It's not easy making it nine months only to have to birth out a baby who's heart is no longer beating, or to have to hold your child as you wait for his or her heart to stop beating. 

It is not just a m/c ! It's the loss of a life. A very wanted life, a needed life a loved life. It's not easy and it's not simple.

It's hard. It's heart wrenching, heart shattering, and faith altering. It's more than just a word!

Loving my Angels <3

A quick rundown

With so much going on I've been a little skimpy on details of things going. So here's a quick update. Hubby and I brought Jace home on Monday April 16. I must say that even though it rained it was still the best day ever. Now that I have him home it's hard to believe that he was in the NICU for 4weeks and 4days. It's hard to believe that my little one is already one month old. I guess sometimes time does fly. Although he is home I must say that I will miss the nurses, they took such good care of him and loved on him when I wasn't there. I thank God for the favor that he showed upon my baby boy while he was there. All the nurses gave him some goodbye love and expressed how they hated he was leaving but knew that he had to go.

I have been rather tired lately ( which is probably the reason for the random blogs). But it's been a good tired. And I really can't blame jace, I mean yes he wakes in the middle of the night to be changed and to eat, but even when he's sleeping I'm jumping up at every little noise he makes. I'm jumping up at random times to look over into his bassinet to make sure he's breathing. I even find myself sometimes sleeping with my hand over his belly so that I can feel the rise and fall of his chest. It's funny how at first the worry was just getting him here and now that he's here there are a whole other slew of worries. Other than that things are going well. I hope to eventually find the time to blog regularly again as there are so many things on my mind that i need to let off. Until then I will end this post with a pic :

These are only a few of the nurses that took such great care of Jace. There are many others that I am so grateful for.

He was worth it

Before I start let me first say that in no way do i mean that I am happy about losing any of my children that I wish nothing more than to have been able to have them here with me, because they do matter they are loved and they are missed.

But, this bundle of joy, their little brother, my rainbow, he was worth it all. This journey, the heartache the pain, the lessons, the perseverance , he was worth it all. In saying this I am saying that I am glad that after losing three babies I didn't throw in the towel, I didn't give up on my dream, my desire of being an earthly mommy, because he was worth it. Jace was and is worth it.

He has brought me such joy, and smiles and hope. I grow more and more in love with him each day. I love the feel of skin against mine. I love to see him smile in his sleep. He is worth it. He is worth me giving everything I have in me to love him, to teach him, to guide him, to care for him. He makes me want to be a better person. He is my drive, my motivation. He is a part of me, a part of his sister and brothers. He reminds me of what they could have been. I dream for him and hope for him and in doing this for him it reminds me of the hope i had for his siblings. Does that make me a bit sad at times yes, but it also makes me smile. He was so worth it.

And he still is. And nothing can change that.

Still loving my angels!

3 Years In Heaven

Today is a wonderful yet bittersweet day. Today marks 3 years in heaven for my sweet boy, my firstborn Camron. But today also marks one month for my rainbow, my baby boy ( in every since of the word, he has 3 siblings that came before looking down on him) Jace. It's amazing how in the beginning days and even the weeks after I look at jace and think of all the things Cam would have been. I wonder if he would have looked the same a J or if he would learn as fast as J. I think about how much I love him even though I had to say good bye to him and I think about how much more in love I would be with him today had he made it. But the one think I do know he was my first born. The one who showed me what it was like to fall in love in a way that I never knew existed. He taught me true compassion, he taught me that everyone has a story, I may not know or can relate but there is a story. He taught me to be more kind, to love deeper, to see the joy in the little things. He taught me how precious life truly is no matter when it begins or ends. But it is all precious. And today as I smile at my Jace I will be thinking of him. I will be thanking him, for looking after his little brother. Jace smiles a lot in his sleep and it leaves me wondering if he's seeing angels and if he's seeing his brothers and sister as he sleeps. Through all of this I know for sure ( if i didn't truly know for sure) that one thing is true though I have my miracle here on earth, I will always love and never forget my first miracle that now resides in heaven. Happy Three Years in Heaven my sweet Camron. Though I wish you were here with me I know that you are in the best place you can be. Know that my love for you only grows, that I still remember you and that you matter. To me you matter. You are missed and truly loved no matter what. I Love you !