Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Still Remember


I still remember the day i found out i would be a mom, two little pink lines that equaled a happy face for me. I still rember hearing your heart beat for the first time. I still remember your first picture. I still remember how ackward i felt learning not to sleep on my stomach. I still remember getting agitated with daddy when he would fall asleep with his hand across my belly................................................................................................................................


and I still remember the night my world was turned upside down. I remember wishing that something could be done. I remember clinging to hope. I remember things not going my way. I remember holding you and there being no sounds except your daddy and my sobbing. I remember studying your lips and your eyes and nose and little body. I remember wishing it was all a bad dream.....................................................................................................................................


I still remember how much I loved you before i'd even saw you. I fell in love at just the thought of you. I remember loving you evenmore when I held. I remember the love i felt for all the other angels and their moms. I remember the lessons I have learned through you. I remember thanking God I'm not alone eventhough i would'nt wish for anyone to join this club. I remember that you are now safe in the masters arms............................................................................


and though some of these memories are hard and still bring an ache to my heart, I wouldn't trade them, I wouldn't trade knowing you, I wouldn't trade loving you and wouldn't trade all the good (though sometimes hard to see) that God has brought me through this.


Mommy Loves you Camron and Xavien.


Forever Loving my Angels.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Short Vent

I understand that our blogs are meant for us to write our feelings. I understand on them we are allowed our own thought and opinions and if we don't like what we read we are free to stop following, don't follow or stop reading.

But a lot of the blogs i read are normally helpful, their journeys rally me along and lets me know there is hope. I meet wonderful women who get it. They get what i feel, they get what i'm going through, they get the ups and downs.

Since my journey i've loved all the blogs i've come across except for a few. But one I came across really hurt my heart. Not the whole blog entirely but just certain posts i guess.

I'm not sure how to describe it and again i understand that everyone has their own opinion but one post implied (at least that's how it came out to me) that once someone dealing with loss or IF becomes pg again that their stuggles or hurts are no longer there. Then upon giving my opinion, it was looked at as negative. How so? I am still trying to figure this out. As IF's and BLM's we need the support from those who have known our struggles more than we need it from outsiders b/c of course outsiders just don't get it. But then i thought hey maybe its just me, but then i read another post today. Needless to say I had to stop following. I understand that we all have hurts and struggles on this journey, but to me there is a fine line between (how can i say) hmmmmmmmmm letting out our hurts and being just as bad as the ones who hurt us.


I sincerely hope this does not offend anyone. This is just my perception and opinion of a situation that i had to get off my chest.






Still Loving My Angels....;0)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

LOVE

LOVE

It is amazing how this journey can give this word such new meaning to me. Before loss when i said it to someone I meant it but not as in depth as i do now. And i will admit that sometimes it was just said because it was said to me or it was routine. Like at church i used to tell members that i love them and it was often times reciprocating them telling me . Or a friend telling me and then me saying it back. Not to say i didn't feel some love, but it's not like now.

Like my fab 4. When I say i love them. I truly mean it. I mean it from the bottom of my heart. They each give so much to me, from the simplest I'm thinking of you , to a card sent in the mail. It is just so new and different to me. I am so thankful to God for allowing me to love people i have never met in person. But yet and still i feel like they are my sisters my family.

Even reading other blogs. When i say Sending Love or lots of love i truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. I feel for the situations , i feel for the person who wrote it. I truly desire nothing but their happiness, their peace of mind, their dreams to come true.

and so i must give thanks to God for the lessons camron and xavien have taught me, because they are the first ones that i truly loved before i actually met them. They showed me what it means to really love. They brought people in my life who i feel though have never met me in person love me back. I find joy in hoping for others. I hope in others dreams coming true. I find peace in your peace. I hurt when you hurt and want to make it all better for you.


I love my angels
and
I truly LOVE all of you.
1Cor13:4-8 and 13
charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether ther be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.