No it's not a symptom I'm currently experiencing. At least not in the literally sense anyways. It's the only way that I can express how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm itching to buy something for this baby, but there's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying that I should wait until I reach 18wks at least, and granted that's only one week from now as I'm 17wks today. But it's not an omen like feeling it's a feeling of having loss , the feeling of remembering what's happened three times before, the feeling of now knowing that BFP doesn't =baby at the end of 9months. And I don't like it one bit. I know that I can't beat myself up because it comes with the territory, but it also wars with what I feel in my heart, what I know in my mind, that this baby WILL make it all the way.
So why can't I just roll with the punches and be happy. Why can't I just pick up what I like in a store when I see something, why do I have to second guess wanting to buy something for my baby. Why , why, why ! ( I know that sounded like a temper tantrum, and I guess it was a small one, but that's how I feel)
My Bishop at my church once said that "to have faith, you have to see it without seeing it." and that's what I've been doing. I've pictured myself holding my son, I've pictured his crib, the colors furniture and decorations, I've even pictured my baby shower and a registry.
But though I have such a burning in my bones to do so, I can't bring myself to make a purchase that I so badly want to make.
So I am stuck, stuck between buying or waiting, waiting or buying, going out on a limb to make a purchase only to have my heart crushed once again or actually getting to use what I buy.
But I knew this was a risk when I got pregnant again right? and that's the biggest risk of all isn't it? I mean what's the loss in clothes compared to the loss of a child right?
Part of me says that I should enjoy this time to the fullest. To not look back and regret not getting ready for this baby or not picking up something I really wanted for him. I mean God has already blessed my family abundantly, yes there have been heart wrenching and soul shattering moments, but there has also been good, even great times. And I have no reason to doubt that God is able, because I know he's able, but the question still remains.....................
To scratch or not to scratch?
I'm thinking I just may scratch ;O)
( hmmmmmmmmmm and who says talking to yourself is not normal?)
Thankful for poop on the floor!
6 days ago