Thursday, June 30, 2011

Do you know what today is......

It's our Anniversary! For Hubby and I that is. 8 years ago today I married My soul mate. The man that showed me what it is to have someone love you just as much as you love them. He is my best friend, my lover, my confident. He is honest with me even when I don't want to hear it. He encourages me, builds me up and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing in the world inside and out. These 8yrs have not been the easiest. I must say the past three (well 2 and a half) haven't been the easiest. Your regular marriage issues that arise coupled with losing children can definately put a strain on any marriage, but I am thankful to God that we are surviving and I pray that we will have many more to celebrate but coupled with a few birthdays of living children sprinkled through out. ;O)

What better song for today than this one!

This Song Always makes me think of him!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


It's funny (not really but hey the only expression i can think of right now to go with this post.) how IF and baby loss affects ones life. I never could have imagined the toll it would bring on my marriage. Here we are two years since our first loss to almost a year of our third loss and new issues that I never would have thought of have come up in the last month. I am grateful that we are holding on and surviving ( I say surviving because we are still going through things)(though I imagine we always will) . I am grateful for wonderful friends who see me through and give me the extra push I need because they love me.

But most of all the thing that gets me is how we (well not everybody, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one) begin to live our lives in two week increments or the like. Like I now have 2 ovulation apps on my ipod. as if one isn't enough (I guess i needed back up, for what I don't know, but I just felt comfortable with 2) and the crazy thing is I almost had 3 but I didn't like the other one I found. I think about how this last time I got pg (with tristen) how I was online frantically looking at ovulation counters, going to the store to buy OPK's to back up the counter and stocking up on a lifetime (okay not a lifetime, more than enough) pg tests. I remember pos (os =on sticks) a few days before and a few days after what the counter said to make sure that it was right. I remember the two week wait and how anxious I was (still am even now) to POAS at the slightest sign that I could be pg. Driving myself crazy with all the what ifs. when I got the bfp, I remember living my life week by week worrying if we were gonna make it to the next.
I remember at times when we were trying and the test was negative, I remember crying myself to sleep.

And even now not much has changed, as a matter of fact I think things may have gotten worse. Even when I know there is no chance of a bfp i still find myself hoping "well maybe it is, maybe I should just check" or (because my husband works away from home) I find myself planning sex for when hubby does get home. I mean who plans specific sex (i.e when, time (sometimes how many times) best position) . A baby loss mom / some one dealing with IF, that's who! I found myself at one point planning my life around possibly, hopefully, wishingly to one day have a baby. But thankfully I've realized that I can't live like that. So I plan but I don't let TTC hold me back from my other dreams ( okay not a lot, but hey I am making progress)

But I still find myself at times living in increments.

Sorry for the babbling and it may be a little confusing but it was on my mind and I had to get it out .

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sometimes you just wanna Scream

Hmmmmmmm where to start?

Well I decided to go ahead and take the phlebotomy class. And I guess that was a good call seeing that I won't have to worry about being pregnant at the time of the class.

So today was the first day and I guess I should have been prepared seeing as how it's always the day that everyone gets to hear a little bit about the others. So of course we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. When it was my turn I didn't say much , just my name , age and how long I've been married. (I was not the first one to go)

All around me I heard names, ages, some were married and some where not, and of course I got to hear about the number of kids and some who were single parents with kids and one that was still naive and talked about how she wants kids, and then (insert SWIFT KICK in the GUT here) when she told them that the WHOLE class and I mean the WHOLE class, (of course except for me) told her how NO YOU SHOULD WAIT, and GIRL YOU DON'T WANT KIDS, and YOU'RE YOUNG GO HAVE FUN! and HOW MUCH TROUBLE THEY ARE and HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME THEY TAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now of course I know that for her some of these things are true. She is young, yes children do take a lot of your time and yes she is young. BUT, it's just the fact that I had to be in the room to hear that. The fact that if I knew i'd be going through the things I'm going through now, I don't think I would have waited for what others thought was a good age. I think I honestly would have started trying sooner. Not saying that trying now is late, but if I'd have known the gravity of ttc, the effects that loss can have on you, the fact that not everyone gets to take home a baby.

and the most mind boggling thing is how people will say they are sorry to hear what has happened to you and then go on as though you never told them anyting.

case & point
I went to lunch with a few girls I met in class (this was before the formal intro's we had to make)
and of course the questions started, "what do you" "are you married" "do you have kid's?"
So of course when it came to me yes i'm married , I don't work, two step children (of course i should have talked about my babies, but I'm still navigating on how to do that) so one girl asks " do you want kids?" Me: yes but I've had 3 losses ( of course should have been more detailed , but I just couldn't ) Them: oh sorry to hear that

So fast forward we are back at school two girls who ate lunch with me go to the bathroom, I enter in after them girl 1. I don't know if i want kids (blah blah and some other stuff) girl 2: my husband wants us to try and I'm like uh uh not while i'm in school, I mean I don't even know if i want anymore (blah blah blah) and I knw this probably shouldn't bother me, but it does I mean maybe it's my fault b/c I didn't show how much my losses affected me or I didn't show how big of a deal losing my babies were to me, I don't know. But all I do know is that I hate to hear people talk about how much of a hassle their child or children are when I so badly want to be in their place, and I think jelousy sets in when i hear those that are still able to be naievely (sp?) hopeful about pregnancy being so easy. Whatever the reason is Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

But because I've been such a downer lately I'll end on a positive note:

I had a friend tell me that right now maybe God is trying to get me to a certain place . and I'll admit at first it kind of sounded harsh to me for a split second, but with the things that are going on in my life at the moment, the may be (there is ) some truth to that.

1Cor 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

One of those Days

Today is just one of those days. Well it actually started sunday when AF showed up. It may have even started before that, but we're gonna go with sunday because things weren't really getting to me until then. It's not like it wasn't expected but I guess that was just the straw that broke the camels back. I am truly happy for those that I love who have been blessed but today I am just sad for me.

I wish I had more to say, but that's it...........

I will end in saying that I am thankful to God for those he has placed to hold me up when I can't. Through everything he is yet and still and awesome God.