Itchy Fingers

No it's not a symptom I'm currently experiencing. At least not in the literally sense anyways. It's the only way that I can express how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm itching to buy something for this baby, but there's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying that I should wait until I reach 18wks at least, and granted that's only one week from now as I'm 17wks today. But it's not an omen like feeling it's a feeling of having loss , the feeling of remembering what's happened three times before, the feeling of now knowing that BFP doesn't =baby at the end of 9months. And I don't like it one bit. I know that I can't beat myself up because it comes with the territory, but it also wars with what I feel in my heart, what I know in my mind, that this baby WILL make it all the way.

So why can't I just roll with the punches and be happy. Why can't I just pick up what I like in a store when I see something, why do I have to second guess wanting to buy something for my baby. Why , why, why ! ( I know that sounded like a temper tantrum, and I guess it was a small one, but that's how I feel)

My Bishop at my church once said that "to have faith, you have to see it without seeing it." and that's what I've been doing. I've pictured myself holding my son, I've pictured his crib, the colors furniture and decorations, I've even pictured my baby shower and a registry.

But though I have such a burning in my bones to do so, I can't bring myself to make a purchase that I so badly want to make.
So I am stuck, stuck between buying or waiting, waiting or buying, going out on a limb to make a purchase only to have my heart crushed once again or actually getting to use what I buy.

But I knew this was a risk when I got pregnant again right? and that's the biggest risk of all isn't it? I mean what's the loss in clothes compared to the loss of a child right?

Part of me says that I should enjoy this time to the fullest. To not look back and regret not getting ready for this baby or not picking up something I really wanted for him. I mean God has already blessed my family abundantly, yes there have been heart wrenching and soul shattering moments, but there has also been good, even great times. And I have no reason to doubt that God is able, because I know he's able, but the question still remains.....................

To scratch or not to scratch?



I'm thinking I just may scratch ;O)


( hmmmmmmmmmm and who says talking to yourself is not normal?)

2yrs In Heaven

It's hard to believe that two years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who soon after went to be with God. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and others it feels like a lifetime ago and it even sometimes feels like a bad dream. I look at my niece and wander what she would have been doing today, the things she would have been saying. But I find comfort in remembering how much I love her, that she is in the safest place she can be and that I will soon see her again. I also know that she is not alone. Though I wish that she nor the other angel babies had to be angels, I am glad she is not alone. I know that she and her brothers are looking down on me and their brother. Keeping him and watching over him and helping him to arrive safely into my arms. I Love you Xavien and I always will. You will remain in my heart forever and you will always have a piece of me there with you.

MFM appointment !

I just got back from (well not just got back, been back for about 30 minutes) and I must say this has been the best appointment yet ;O) I got a very good u/s and she was actually able to tell the gender, but I'll save that for the end of this post. She measured everything including my cervix and took a look at my stitch. Both look good. My cervix is strong long (as long as mine gets anyway) with no changes thus far (praying it stays that way) and my stitch looks good and holding well. I am so happy ! She took lots of shots and also gave me a cd of pictures to take home with me. I am just so ecstatic and this appointment has made me feel so optimistic about this time around. I truly believe that I will be bringing home a live healthy baby to raise and love and somewhat spoil ;O)

and without further adew (sp?)

and hear are a couple of more pics of the butter bean

Love/Hate

I at this moment am in a Love/Hate relationship with the coming weeks. There's so much to love about them yet there's things that I hate about them.

I Love that in my 16th and 17th weeks and even at the beginning of my 18th(the first day of wk 18 to be exact) that my cervix was holding strong and still looked normal.

I also Hate that in my 18th week I gave birth 5months too soon.

I Love that in my 16th week I began to get my energy back. That I could move around and at least have the energy to fix me a decent meal.

I Hate the fact that I didn't get to enjoy this stage of pregnancy very long.

I Love that I began to feel the baby's kicks at the beginning of my 18th week.

I Hate that this feeling didn't last very long.

I Love the fact that this time reminds me of when I first learned what it meant to fall in Love a way that you never knew could exist.

But I Hate the fact that it reminds me of the greatest losses in my Life.

Yes this point and time is like a roller coaster ride with a lot of dips and loops.

But never the less I LOVE the fact that in those dips i am still looking up . That I still have Hope that I am looking forward to seeing 18wks and beyond. That my trust is not in these emotions that can sometimes be all over the place, that aren't always the same. But my trust is in the One who sits high and looks low. The One that has carried me through grief that heals me, that holds me and that comforts me. And that I could never hate.

Update with the Ob

Yesterday I had an appointment with my ob. All in all it was a great appointment minus a few things. So I guess I'll start with the not so happy things first and that way I can end on a good note.

Still no pictures this time. Apperantly they sent her the wrong part for her printer so no pictures (which i guess I can say was kinda okay because I go in on wednesday to see the MFM so I should get some pictures then)

and the only other sucky thing is she only has priveliges at the hospital where I delivered Camron (which I should have checked before hand) , but I love her as my ob. She is very caring, very concerned, never rushes me and is always listening to me and what I need. She also told me that as far as doctors and staff and lot has changed and she will do her best to make sure I have a better esperience. So in talking to her she kinda made me feel better but I'm not too sure yet.

As far as me I've gained 1lb since my last visit and I think thus far I have gained a total of 4lbs maybe and my blood pressure is back to normal. It was running a little low on earlier visits.

And now for the good news. Baby is doing great his (not sure if bb is a boy or girl but I get tired of say he/she or it or bb so for now it's he) heart rate is strong at 155. I so love that he is a mover. I got kicks and waves and booty shakes (yes for some reason this baby like to shake his but on screen) and I love every bit of it. It relieves a lot nervousness that I have on my way in for my appointments. Dr. V also looked at my stitch and said that is looking good, and holding well. I go and see Dr. S on wednesday so I will get and actual cervix length check then.
All in all things are good and I am so very thankful. I just continue to hope and pray that all continues going well.

14wks and an appointment

So today I am exactly 14wks along. I have no pictures to post this time because the past few weeks I have been too lazy to make myself look like something and wouldn't dare scare anybody by posting pics of me in with my hair all over my head. Although today I looked somewhat decent I just didn't feel too much like pulling out the the camera.

I had an appointment with my Ob on friday which went great. I got to have a nice long look at my butter bean who now looks more like Mr. Peanut to me (hee hee ). I got to see him wave at me (haven't found out the sex yet but just saying him ) and also shook his but at me as well. I loved it and I loved seeing him on the screen. But unfortunately no take home pic this time. There was a patient before me who's children decided it would be fun to play with the u/s machine and well, she can't print pictures now. I hope she has a new machine by the time I go back on the 18th or there is gonna be some smoke in the city cause I will be one HOT mama! I only have pictures of my bean when he looked like ........well a bean and now that he is starting to look like somebody I would like that picture to stare at.

Wow I'm 14wks already! I say already but I feel like time is moving so slowly. LoL but I think I'm just anxious to make it to a point that I've never made it to before. But I am thankful for the peace that God has given me because I'm cautious but not worried. I think everyone around me is more worried than I am. I am just grateful for this little blessing.

I am still praying for all of my angel moms who are still awaiting their moment. I pray that God blesses you with a baby to take home and raise here with you, in your arms.

I also started my phlebotomy clinicals today. I know it's seems like it took forever but I had to wait for the full timers to finish so that I could get a spot. It was a good day and I did better than I thought. THANK GOD! I hope tomorrow goes even better. Well I'm off to get myself together and get to bed.

Blowing sweet kisses to my Angels!