Blue

I want to say that I feel petty for what I'm about to write and it's just something i need to get out my mind and on to some paper, but that wouldn't be the truth. 

The truth is I don't know if it's petty or not or if I'm just not seeing past my own wants. But I'm gonna write anyway so here goes..........

Hubby had to run an errand last night so I rode with him just to get in a little quality time which we don't get much of and on the ride i decided to bring up wanting another baby ( i know what a genius decision right). Well he didn't say no, but he said wait. And well at the moment that pretty much felt like he said no. His reasoning was to a degree valid ( he wants to catch up on a few things that we are behind on) but at the same time it's not like we are guaranteed to get pregnant as soon as we start trying. Heck we aren't even guaranteed to even bring home a baby should we even get pregnant.  And it's taken me a long time to really come to terms with the second part. But of course his counter was that there's no guarantee that we won't get pregnant. To which i wanted to say duuuuuh that's the point in trying. I just I don't know. You would think with all we've been through he wouldn't see it as we might get pregnant too soon if we start trying now. I mean really......it took us a little over a whole freaking year to get pregnant the first time and well if you've read the blog you know how that turned out. Even though this time i am choosing to believe that things will go smoothly should we get blessed to conceive. 

And really I'm not sure that this is really what i meant to write about ( well the discussion of trying again anyway)  Needless to say the rest of the trip was a bust. I couldn't think about anything else. I just sat quietly twiddling my thumbs and doing my best not to cry. it seems that lately ( the past few months) I can't focus at times I can't function at times. All I think about is when I was pregnant and being pregnant again and how I felt holding jace for the first time and how i felt bringing him home.

I cant look at a family photo or see a pregnancy announcement or belly or anything baby related without my heart strings being pulled. Yes I know that there are others out there that are wishing the same thing I'm wishing, that there are those that are struggling to conceive and I am sad for them as well. And I am happy for those that have buns in the oven and for those welcoming their bundles into the world.....

But even with all that I still want to cry even thinking of the word baby or passing by the maternity section or the baby section for that matter.........


the sad sucky truth is my world remains blue.......but i will still silently sit and hope that one day my rainbow will appear again or at least two pink lines :)