Blue

I want to say that I feel petty for what I'm about to write and it's just something i need to get out my mind and on to some paper, but that wouldn't be the truth. 

The truth is I don't know if it's petty or not or if I'm just not seeing past my own wants. But I'm gonna write anyway so here goes..........

Hubby had to run an errand last night so I rode with him just to get in a little quality time which we don't get much of and on the ride i decided to bring up wanting another baby ( i know what a genius decision right). Well he didn't say no, but he said wait. And well at the moment that pretty much felt like he said no. His reasoning was to a degree valid ( he wants to catch up on a few things that we are behind on) but at the same time it's not like we are guaranteed to get pregnant as soon as we start trying. Heck we aren't even guaranteed to even bring home a baby should we even get pregnant.  And it's taken me a long time to really come to terms with the second part. But of course his counter was that there's no guarantee that we won't get pregnant. To which i wanted to say duuuuuh that's the point in trying. I just I don't know. You would think with all we've been through he wouldn't see it as we might get pregnant too soon if we start trying now. I mean really......it took us a little over a whole freaking year to get pregnant the first time and well if you've read the blog you know how that turned out. Even though this time i am choosing to believe that things will go smoothly should we get blessed to conceive. 

And really I'm not sure that this is really what i meant to write about ( well the discussion of trying again anyway)  Needless to say the rest of the trip was a bust. I couldn't think about anything else. I just sat quietly twiddling my thumbs and doing my best not to cry. it seems that lately ( the past few months) I can't focus at times I can't function at times. All I think about is when I was pregnant and being pregnant again and how I felt holding jace for the first time and how i felt bringing him home.

I cant look at a family photo or see a pregnancy announcement or belly or anything baby related without my heart strings being pulled. Yes I know that there are others out there that are wishing the same thing I'm wishing, that there are those that are struggling to conceive and I am sad for them as well. And I am happy for those that have buns in the oven and for those welcoming their bundles into the world.....

But even with all that I still want to cry even thinking of the word baby or passing by the maternity section or the baby section for that matter.........


the sad sucky truth is my world remains blue.......but i will still silently sit and hope that one day my rainbow will appear again or at least two pink lines :)

Jambalaya

So lets see......where to begin...... this month has been a month to say the least ( not really sure how to describe it) 

But I can say i have been one big GIANT bowl of emotions and there have been so many things on my mind but I just haven't had the time to write and so because of this I have named this post .....

Jambalaya 

because it's going to be a mix of things that have been running through my mind probably seeming all over the place but still going together.

So where shall I start....................................

still can't believe this year has made for years without two of my rainbows and 3 yrs without one. I still miss them dearly and xavien has really weighed in on my heart. I wasn't ready for the effect her day had on my. Then on Thanksgiving night I got sick and was stuck in bed for four days ( I know random, but i really really hate being sick) and to top it off Jace was sick as well. Sick mommy plus sick toddler equals a busy ( and probably sad, nerve wracked ) papa. But we managed and survived and we are both up and at'em once more.

Secondly ( if that's even a word) I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog ( if I can even figure out how to do it) But I've been going through a lot and not only that my life is changing and when I need to write about it I don't want to have to go to a whole other blog to do so. I mean just because I have a rainbow doesn't mean that the journey of loss stops. But there are things and happenings in between that i want to write about too and I mean the name just doesn't fit anymore.....

Like the third thing i want to talk about ( and don't want to feel guilty for talking about it here) the fever has returned yet again it subsided for a while but it's rearing it's head once more and the fact that bellies and new babies are popping up around me almost daily it seems isn't helping much at all. And it's really putting me in a funk. I mean there are many I want to be happy for and congratulate but it seems as of late my heaviness hasn't allowed me to. I think it's also the reason Xavien's heaven date hit me so hard as well. (well that amongst other things) But I can't shake it and I'm sure my hubby is tired of hearing about it from me as well. I mean he's agreed to wanting another baby but hasn't really commented on the trying now. So what do i do wait and hope he'll come around soon, or badger him and then possibly have him thinking I only want to "dance" with him strictly for baby making when of course that wouldn't be true. But i don't want to put that kind of pressure on him. Oh what a tangled web I know. I'm getting dizzy just typing it. And I know things aren't easy for us right now, but they weren't easy with jace, or when we were expecting Tristen or Xavien or Camron but we managed and I think we would manage now. And I'm not trying to  irresponsibly bring another baby ( should i be blessed to do so) into this world but I think its a good time and who knows how things will have changed by the time he or she makes their debut. I don't know I guess until the time comes this chic will continue to dream............

I think I'm finally getting sleepy at 3a.m so I guess i will stop here and say good night or good morning :)