I remember there was a time when I couldn't look at a baby bump without breaking down into a blubbering mess, I couldn't look at a new born, I couldn't even here the word baby or pregnancy without wanting to crawl into a hole and be alone forever.
And though I am over those feelings ( mostly ) since having my rainbow after the storm, there then comes a different feeling. Yes there are feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness but those aren't the ones I'm talking about.
I'm talking about being out in public and wondering who's heart you're ripping out. How holding your little one may be making the woman next to you want to crawl into a hole. I'm not saying that I'm not glad I am where I am, it's just that many lights have been turned on. That just like the women that were in their own world enjoying their blessing didn't know how it made me feel, I am now in that world. And since then there are times when I'm out and I look around and I wonder " hmmmm, is she a part of my world or is/was she in a blissful ignorance?" Does she have a whole other story that I know nothing about? Even with friends or people that I know of that have had a loss/es I try to be sensitive, I try not to parade my joy around for fear of hurting them because I don't want to cause a pain that I know so well. This path is such a delicate one and it sometimes leaves you spinning. And again I am not saying I am at all ashamed of the blessing God has given me at all. I love him and my angels with all my heart.
These are just thoughts really that I needed to get out, to look at, to see if they make sense. ( I'm hoping they do, but not too sure yet, lol)
I am just amazed sometimes at how a life event can open your eyes. No the people that I pass everyday may not be dealing with loss, but I wonder if they are dealing with something. Have they dealt with something.
Throughout these past few years I have met many different types of people and I find myself wondering what makes them tick. I believe it's true that everyone has a story, it's just that some may be a little rougher than others.
But I guess I will quit babbling and end here........
Loving my 4
3-6-9... 10 years later
5 years ago
2 comments:
I often wonder the same thing. I catch myself wanting to ask, " do you have kids?" When I meet new women, and then think to myself, "what if she is me-two years ago-after losing Denise and struggling to have kids?"...our experiences as BLM's has made us more aware of those around us, and in turn a bit more compassionate...I hope.
Obviously baby and child loss is the hardest but I don't think there is a person around you who hasn't suffered deep pain in their lives. What happens is that a new appreciation for people comes forward.
Your compassion for others has changed because you were changed. Even for me I have gone through things that I never thought I could live through. The pain was intense, but with pain comes growth. My children would come home from school and say "I don't think my teacher likes me, she was mean today" and I would say "You don't know what is going on in her personal life, maybe she is hurting deeply." Don't ever be afraid to show your joy because you are so deserving of what you have been given. All we can do is pray that others will have joy again too. ((HUGS))
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