Three years ago today I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my second baby boy who we named Tristen. I still remember being pregnant with you. I remember how scared I was of losing you, yet how much I wanted you and how I decided to step out on faith ( at least I thought I did) and believe you were coming home with me ( alive and breathing). I mean I did everything right this time. I pushed to have a cerclage done at 16 weeks I was on p17 and I wasn't doing much of anything if I could help it. I even got up the nerve to make a new blog to record our journey together not knowing that this too would be short lived. But yet again at 18wks+4 I found myself looking up at the ceiling of a hospital praying to God to let you stay with me. I remember calling nan and balling telling her it's happening again. trying to remain hopeful but I think in my heart I knew i'd be telling you goodbye. I remember her getting advice for me from her friend Joanne ( hope I spelled it right). You held on and I listened to your heart beat for a couple of days. until that sad day when the stitch designed to keep you inside and thriving failed me......... I remember being numb at first. Your heart beat two hours after you were born. And I believe you were waiting for me to wake up. So I could have that moment to tell you goodbye. I remember holding your tiny body wishing that this nightmare wasn't happening again. But it was and I found myself going through the motions once more. I'd like to say grieving yet again but it wasn't even that. It was just more grief piled on top of what I was already feeling...............
And here I am, celebrating your 3rd birthday in heaven wishing like always that you and your brother and your sister could be here running around with jace. Imagining what you'd look like, how you'd act, what you would teach him. Loving you and missing you.......
No matter the time that goes by you will never be forgotten......in my mind or in my heart. I love you sweet boy and know that I'm blowing kisses to the sky for you.
Love Mommy
