The Fever

The Fever.........Baby Fever that is

I've got it and it's taking me on quite a ride. At my 6wk pp check up my ob told me to wait at least 18 months before trying to conceive again in order to give my body proper time to heal. And since December all I could ( and still do) think about is that September will make 18months. All i can think about it giving jace a sibling here on earth to play with about my baby boy not being the only one.  That how could I not want the joy of having and holding and loving another being that is a part of me. But with this hope comes questions. Can I really do it all over again, will i be able to handle to little ones so close in age. Then comes can I wait longer than 18 months ( if i want them farther apart). I mean it's killing me now ( at least it feels that way) to have to wait that long. And then comes the VERY REAL WORRY of M/C. The knowing that it is a possibility of knowing the hurt and the pain that i went through 3 times to many. That leaves me wondering am I, can I, will I . Risk it again.......... yes I have faith, and no I don't doubt the God that I serve. But it is a reality for me, I know the things that can go wrong and they are never far from my mind. Even with surgery J still came 8wks early and having a baby in the NICU is a very real and sometimes scary thing as well................

Even still feeling all of these things and knowing what i know, there is still something inside of me that says "how can you not try again". To know the joy of holding a living , breathing baby in your arms. To see the look in his yes when you stare at him to feel his skin against yours. How can you not............. 


And not only that,...... I miss being pregnant.  I mean for me the first 10 to 12  ( to 16) weeks are rather rough but even still I miss my growing belly, I miss feeling new sensations, not to mention I didn't get a lot of time ( being that he can at 32wks) to actually see moving across my belly. ( so i'm hoping that the next go round I will make it further). I miss that feeling of knowing I'm growing a little person inside of me. 

And as a bonus I miss being able to eat and not having felt greedy...... and I miss not having a cycle ( I know a little superficial, but it's still a plus) for nine whole months :)

So I think to myself........... is it worth it?

and every time my answer is 

YES!!!!!!!!!!! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS

So hears to hoping that 2013 brings another bundle my way