Today

So today is Mother's Day and my heart is in so many different places, missing the 3 little souls I wish were here with me, thanking God for the one that I have, and longing to have another earthly child to care for. I know a lot right. I'm once again a big ball of emotion and it's actually all just hit me minutes before I began this post. I know I should be grateful for what I have and trust me I am but my heart still longs for what's missing. I've been told left and right today Happy Mothers Day and it just feels weird. Jace is two and it still feels weird. I think partly b/c some ( most that are telling  me) are telling me b/c I am a step mom and a mother to Jace. I think that people think once you have a actual living child in your arms that the hurt or the missing goes away. And well........ it doesn't. Days like this just magnify it. I have three babies that are no longer here with me, I have three babies that I parent in a different way. I have three babies that I can't show people pictures of all the cute things they are doing, I have three babies that I try not to talk about too much for fear of bringing others down or their lack of understanding. So I smile and I say thank you or same to you ( to other mothers) when I really just want to say please don't tell me.


And yes I am grateful Lord knows I am so grateful and thankful for what I do have yet my heart still misses what once was (even if only for a moment) and yearns for more.......


So Today I say I pray that this day was gentle for others out there and that if there were tears I hope you got to smile as well.................


Kisses to the sky to all the babies gone too soon and Hugs to all the hurting hearts.........

So I thought

Tonight I did something I probably shouldn't have. I read a post about loss......
I thought I could handle it, I thought I would be okay, but here I sit in tears as I type, and for a second I thought why are you crying so hard.... and then I realized


 it's April his month.......


It will be five years since Camron has been  gone and at this moment I feel empty. And yes I know I should be thankful for Jace and I am, more than anyone can fathom, but having him doesn't take away the memory of my first born. The first one to show me what instant love is. And I miss him.  At this very moment I miss him so terribly much............................

Just Try

So what do you do when your mind and heart are full of so many things and you need to get them out but the words don't come. As you sit full of emotion but no way to express them. No crying, no laughter, no sadness, no anger, no joy , no smiles and all of these things at once. You take advice of some loving people and you "just try".

This is how I'm feeling tonight, this is how I've felt for the past couple of days. So many things I feel like are wrong in my life, but yet there are so many things right that I am most certainly thankful for. But then there are times like this when I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. Where I at times question my "choice" to be happy because I sometimes feel like I'm just pushing things that upset me down into a corner somewhere until its too much to hold. But that can't be, because it's not always like this. Today is just a rare day ( that sometimes happens to often) and I maybe wonder if it's a good thing, because maybe what I "feel " I want to express isn't what I need.  Maybe I should ( well I know I should) take time out and just pray. Because like writing prayer gives me the release and sometimes (if I'm still long enough and listen ) He will answer back. And well for me there's nothing to compare to release and revelation and even as I write this now I know that the emotional me wants to be sad and throw myself a pity party when over these past few things I know and have seen that things could be worse, Over these past few days I've been encouraged by the strength of those that are going through their own personal struggles and issues and deep down I know that things could be worse. So I will sit and think on that and be thankful that they are not, I will sit and pray blessings over and for those who are struggling right now, I will pray for those who need comfort and I will thank Him that He hears me and will answer

I am thankful that He hears my heart, He hears my cries and that He even hears what I don't say out loud. And though this may seem like babbling I will end this post with a praise because My God is Awesome!

Lessons/Learning

The end of last year, well probably most of last year was a season of lessons for me, although I didn't learn until this year, there were still lessons. Some quite difficult to say the least. In it I learned a lot about myself, a lot about people and well a lot about life. I've learned ( even though I still have to catch myself at times) that I have a choice in my having joy. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad. A simple choice....no but a choice never the less and well last year I did a lot of going off of how I felt at the very moment I was feeling it and well lets just say the choices I made on how to feel or think weren't the best. But new years eve I made up my mind that I would no longer be led by my emotions, but I would take time I would think and I would choose to be happy, think positive and or keep my joy. Even now there are times when that choice has been proven to be somewhat difficult and I may slip up every now and again but I have been on a great road of looking up.

I've also learned that I have to live for me. Well for God first then me. I've always been one that if I called you friend or family it really meant something to me. I value those relationships and hold them in high regard, and there have been times when the smallest thing has caused a person to throw me (i.e our friendship) aside over something that to me was not a big deal it's only happened maybe a handful of times but each time crushed me. Because friend or family when I love I love hard and I let nothing come between no change my feelings or deter me away from that relationship so when someone decides to toss me aside ( not literally but that's how feel) over a menial disagreement it hurts especially when I thought we were "better than that" so to speak. So I'm learning to not let people make or break me. Not saying that I will no longer love hard or care because that's just in me, but I will keep my head up keep moving and put my focus on those I know without a doubt are there for me. I will pour all of my love into my husband and son and others that will allow me to, but I refuse to allow myself to be broken anymore by man/woman.

And lastly this is lesson I've learned time and time again but really just hit home today. Life is short. It really really is . This morning I found out a classmate of mines brother passed away this morning, I knew his brother I'd talked to his brother. He was only a couple of years ahead of us. Gone just like that. Someone you would think "He has his whole life ahead of him, he's young , he's got plenty of time" Gone within the blink of an eye.

I've been thinking for some days now about how Life is short and today really drove it home. I think about how we treat one another at times. How angry we can allow ourselves to get with one another, how we cut people off or out of our lives without realizing there's a bigger picture at hand. That it's easier to love to be kind to be genuine. To me it takes too much energy to be angry. Not only that I'm not promised tomorrow, I'm not promised the next minute or second and I don't want my last words to anyone to be unkind. But I want to love as God calls me to love. And so I will. I know that I may not succeed in these things everyday or every moment of everyday but I am making the conscious decision to do my best.

I think I am done with this rambling and if anybody is still out there reading I hope you choose the same. I hope you choose love, joy, laughter and kindness as well.......

Blue

I want to say that I feel petty for what I'm about to write and it's just something i need to get out my mind and on to some paper, but that wouldn't be the truth. 

The truth is I don't know if it's petty or not or if I'm just not seeing past my own wants. But I'm gonna write anyway so here goes..........

Hubby had to run an errand last night so I rode with him just to get in a little quality time which we don't get much of and on the ride i decided to bring up wanting another baby ( i know what a genius decision right). Well he didn't say no, but he said wait. And well at the moment that pretty much felt like he said no. His reasoning was to a degree valid ( he wants to catch up on a few things that we are behind on) but at the same time it's not like we are guaranteed to get pregnant as soon as we start trying. Heck we aren't even guaranteed to even bring home a baby should we even get pregnant.  And it's taken me a long time to really come to terms with the second part. But of course his counter was that there's no guarantee that we won't get pregnant. To which i wanted to say duuuuuh that's the point in trying. I just I don't know. You would think with all we've been through he wouldn't see it as we might get pregnant too soon if we start trying now. I mean really......it took us a little over a whole freaking year to get pregnant the first time and well if you've read the blog you know how that turned out. Even though this time i am choosing to believe that things will go smoothly should we get blessed to conceive. 

And really I'm not sure that this is really what i meant to write about ( well the discussion of trying again anyway)  Needless to say the rest of the trip was a bust. I couldn't think about anything else. I just sat quietly twiddling my thumbs and doing my best not to cry. it seems that lately ( the past few months) I can't focus at times I can't function at times. All I think about is when I was pregnant and being pregnant again and how I felt holding jace for the first time and how i felt bringing him home.

I cant look at a family photo or see a pregnancy announcement or belly or anything baby related without my heart strings being pulled. Yes I know that there are others out there that are wishing the same thing I'm wishing, that there are those that are struggling to conceive and I am sad for them as well. And I am happy for those that have buns in the oven and for those welcoming their bundles into the world.....

But even with all that I still want to cry even thinking of the word baby or passing by the maternity section or the baby section for that matter.........


the sad sucky truth is my world remains blue.......but i will still silently sit and hope that one day my rainbow will appear again or at least two pink lines :)

Jambalaya

So lets see......where to begin...... this month has been a month to say the least ( not really sure how to describe it) 

But I can say i have been one big GIANT bowl of emotions and there have been so many things on my mind but I just haven't had the time to write and so because of this I have named this post .....

Jambalaya 

because it's going to be a mix of things that have been running through my mind probably seeming all over the place but still going together.

So where shall I start....................................

still can't believe this year has made for years without two of my rainbows and 3 yrs without one. I still miss them dearly and xavien has really weighed in on my heart. I wasn't ready for the effect her day had on my. Then on Thanksgiving night I got sick and was stuck in bed for four days ( I know random, but i really really hate being sick) and to top it off Jace was sick as well. Sick mommy plus sick toddler equals a busy ( and probably sad, nerve wracked ) papa. But we managed and survived and we are both up and at'em once more.

Secondly ( if that's even a word) I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog ( if I can even figure out how to do it) But I've been going through a lot and not only that my life is changing and when I need to write about it I don't want to have to go to a whole other blog to do so. I mean just because I have a rainbow doesn't mean that the journey of loss stops. But there are things and happenings in between that i want to write about too and I mean the name just doesn't fit anymore.....

Like the third thing i want to talk about ( and don't want to feel guilty for talking about it here) the fever has returned yet again it subsided for a while but it's rearing it's head once more and the fact that bellies and new babies are popping up around me almost daily it seems isn't helping much at all. And it's really putting me in a funk. I mean there are many I want to be happy for and congratulate but it seems as of late my heaviness hasn't allowed me to. I think it's also the reason Xavien's heaven date hit me so hard as well. (well that amongst other things) But I can't shake it and I'm sure my hubby is tired of hearing about it from me as well. I mean he's agreed to wanting another baby but hasn't really commented on the trying now. So what do i do wait and hope he'll come around soon, or badger him and then possibly have him thinking I only want to "dance" with him strictly for baby making when of course that wouldn't be true. But i don't want to put that kind of pressure on him. Oh what a tangled web I know. I'm getting dizzy just typing it. And I know things aren't easy for us right now, but they weren't easy with jace, or when we were expecting Tristen or Xavien or Camron but we managed and I think we would manage now. And I'm not trying to  irresponsibly bring another baby ( should i be blessed to do so) into this world but I think its a good time and who knows how things will have changed by the time he or she makes their debut. I don't know I guess until the time comes this chic will continue to dream............

I think I'm finally getting sleepy at 3a.m so I guess i will stop here and say good night or good morning :)

4yrs ago today

 

 

This was me

 

 

 

Four Years Ago today.

 

Holding my tiny precious baby girl. 

 

Today is her day. The day I said hello and goodbye way too soon. A day forever etched in my heart. Today hit me a little harder than I expected. This month I've seen myself in the hospital the day I had her. But 4yrs ago last year the 26 actually fell on Thanksgiving. How ironic is that. The day I should have been celebrating and being thankful for the fact that I was blessed to carry her I was at the hospital praying she could stay with me a little longer.

 

And though she was my second baby born to heaven it's a day that still forever changed me even more than the first time. And yes today is her day but I think of her everyday. I picture and I wonder and wish...... that things could have been different.....

 

 

But tonight I sit and I write that I am indeed thankful. I am thankful that for a little while I got to call her mine. That I gave her a name. That she lived within me (even if only for a short time) and that she will forever be the second piece of me in heaven.

 

And even though these words can't truly describe a fraction of what I feel I will still simple end with them.......

 

Xavien Zaraih Bob I miss you and will FOREVER Love you and carry you with me. Happy 4yrs in heaven my angel.