Awake

Wow, here it's been almost two weeks since I've posted and I really wanted it to be an update, but here I am at 11:30pm up, awake, because when closing my eyes I began to think of my first born. The first time I'd fallen in love without even seeing his face. The first time I had to say hello and goodbye. And don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this blessing that I'm carrying now, that I have made it as far as I have and am believing that I will make it farther (and hating that I feel as if I have to write an explanation so that others won't think I"m ungrateful). But as I'm thankful for this baby and as I fall more and more in love with him, It makes me think of the first time. How I was so over the moon, excited hoping and dreaming and wanting and longing, I guess all too soon. And as I feel this one move I think of the first time I felt felt him move, only days before I had to tell him goodbye. And my heart hurts, I miss him, I miss what could have been, what should have been. And I miss my other babies, I think of what I didn't get to enjoy with them because of worry and fear. I think of how I love them all. How I miss them all. But right now I can't get the very first time out of mind. And It hurts because I don't wanna to stress baby J out I want to be the best me, and the strongest me that I can be, but every time I close my eyes I see myself in that hospital holding camron and saying goodbye. I remember the only crying being my and his fathers tears. And I think about the day that J will be here and I hope and pray that it's his tears i hear above my own. And as I cry from joy I'll be crying from a longing I know I can't have.

23

Yes I know I'm a little late with this post, but I haven't felt much like sitting up at the computer lately and I could do it from my iPad but it takes me forever to type on there and I sometimes have a lot to say.

I am 23wks! and In just days I will be 24! I am just so ecstatic, happy, amazed and thankful. There was a time that I'd never thought I would see this. That I would make it this far.

These past couple of weeks have been interesting. I'm feeling things that I've never felt before and it's great and sometimes scary. I am just totally over the moon. I love every little kick and jab that I feel. And even when it's uncomfortable, like when he balls up on the right side of my stomach, it makes me happy to know that he has his favorite little spot. I am so excited to meet him and I'm even more excited that the hubby is just as excited with me. To know that he count's down the weeks with me, asks about milestones, expresses how blessed he feels that we have made it this far and excited about making it farther. To hear the hopes and dreams that he has for our son just makes my day.

But I must also say that even in such a happy time, I miss my angels, I sometimes close my eyes and all I see are my last days with each of them, the labor and having to say hello and goodbye all at once. I've posted pictures of this pregnancy on fb and it's amazing how many comments and congrats I get, but when I post about my angels less than a third comment or give a kind word. But I guess I can't hold it against them, because without going through this they can't understand how one child does not replace another.

I also had a quick appointment with my ob today. I have gained 10lbs in 4wks. geesh! She didn't say anything to me about it, but I'm thinking that can't be good? I mean at 23 wks I've gained already 20lbs total this pregnancy. I'm gonna have to slow down on the snacking I guess. Or try my best to find healthier alternatives, which is hard when you're a picky ( finicky) eater like me. But I have to do something. I can't exercise like I want because of my condition, but I'm gonna do something. Also baby boy is doing well. Moving and shaking as always. And I think I will officially say , he hates the doppler, every time it goes on my belly he's kicking and moving trying to get out of dodge and as always he's never shy about showing his business on the u/s.

Well I think I will stop babbling here and just leave a couple of pics of me and the bump at 23wks:

What a week

Wow! Another week gone by and what a week it has been. I came into 2012 with much hope and expectation and I still feel that way. I am ever so thankful to be where I am and I know that this is not it. That there is more. I even declared it on New Years.

This week has been wonderfully interesting and not in a major happenings sort of way, but this week has shown me the person I've become. And it all started with a visit to the ER. Late tuesday night or wednesday morning I began having stomach pains. At fist I thought nothing of it, because hey, I've had many aches and pains with this pregnancy . So I laid down for a bit and tried to get some sleep only to awake an hour later still hurting, so I got up and walked a bit, sipped water in hopes that it would go away. But it didn't so finally i got decent( yes decent in no way was I dressed, well I was but not really for the public, but hey this was an emergency) and went to the ER the wait wasn't too bad but at least when they did call me I was sent directly to LnD. The old me, would have been scared at just the thought of being in LnD way too soon, but this me, this hope filled me, this faith filled me was calm. I only focussed on making sure everything with my baby boy was okay. I mean God has allowed me to make it to 22wks and I'm believing him for 18 more and I know that he won't' fail me or forsake me. So they get me hooked up to the monitors and I hear that wonderful sound of his hb, not only that but he is kicking and moving around so that it took her a few minutes to even get him still enough to get his heart rate. Now to the old me this would have meant nothing, I've heard heartbeats of my babies that I still had to say good bye to way to soon. But this time I focused on God and his promises to me, and for me and what I've learned of him over these years. And guess what, EVERY THING was fine. It was just him moving and shaking as he always does. No contractions no open cervix, no dilation, just my baby boy having a field day in my uterus. They also had a lab tech come in and do a u/s and she also measured my cervix, which she came up with a measurement of 2.8. Which for a moment that got me nervous because just two weeks ago I was at a little over 3.3. So after a couple of more hours of monitoring I was sent home and told to be on bed rest until I saw my doctor, which happened to be thursday. I must say that this news had me a bit nervous and so I sought some advice and was reassured by a friend that all is well and guess what, thursday all was well. My MFM said that my cervix was still long and close on both sides and that baby boy is doing great! That I am doing great that she believes I will see 40wks! Can you say thankful! Because that is certainly what I am.

And here I sit on the Eve of 23 weeks! One Week from 24 and I am ever so thankful. For each and every moment God has allowed me with this sweet wonderful baby boy, who is so loved and wanted and anticipated. No one can tell me that my God isn't good. And I know on this journey that faith is very much tried, pushed back and even lost, but I know that when you just trust, no matter what it looks like, no matter what happens, that God is there, he's a healer, he hears our hearts and our every cry and most of all he is God. And I am just thankful.

Forever Loving my Angels, I smile at the thought of you, knowing that I have the three of you in heaven waiting for me, but as we wait you are above looking over your brother at the masters feet in the safest place you can be.

I Love you Camron, Xavien and Tristen