Happy? New Year

For the past couple of days i have been well. At least as well as i can be , no crying no moping around, but it seems as though the closer it gets to the new year the sadder i get. I'm not sad at saying goodbye to 2009 b/c it has been one of the most difficult years of my life, but no matter happy i am to say goodbye my heart aches when thinking of saying hello to 2010. Yes i wish us all a happy new year and that it is better than this one, and that things are gonna be better, but i will also be greeted with knowing that in april i should be saying hello to a beautiful little girl. But i won't and for that my heart aches. April 27 i should be holding my baby in my arms, but i won't. I still can't come to grip with that. How can i start my new year with fresh pain. I am trying so hard to hold on to hope that it is gonna be better, but right now, at this moment, i wish i could go back. Back to when my baby was safe in my stomach, growing and moving and getting all the things she needed in order to be ready for this world. If i could go back........

Bitter Sweet

This week has truly been bittersweet. It all started monday morning at 6:39am when i got a call from my mother informing me that my sister has gone into labor and they are on the way to the hospital, (bittersweet) i was excited and conflicted all at the same time. Should i stay or should i go? I want to be there, this is my sister, she wants me there, she would be hurt if i wasnt. So in that moment, i decided to go, to be there in the room like we planned from the beginning, i mean i was gonna be down there for x-mas anyway so a few days early wouldn't matter, so i gathered my things and off on a 2 and half hour drive i went. i made to the hospital in time, she was only at 5cm. so there i was in the room with her, excited and sad all at the same time. This should have been a happy occasion, i should have been anticipating what i would be going through with xavien, or i should have been excited to introduce camron to his new cousin, but i am not and at that moment it was okay. She delivered a beautiful 5lb 13oz baby girl at 6:02 pm, i was there through it, i held her legs and cheered her on to push, i was strong, i held it togeather until my niece made her arrival , and then she cried announcing her arrival into the world, and at that moment i was weak, i kissed my sister and told her she did good and then i made my exit to the nearest restroom , slid to the floor and cried . Cried for my my babies , for me , for the short time that we got to spend togeather. It's crazy how i could feel such joy and utter sadness all at once, talk about a ball of emotions. So now i am here at my moms trying to hold strong, enduring all the excitement and baby talk, and pictures and more talk, wishing i could just go home back to my house and curl up in my bed and not move, but i cant b/c i know if i said i was leaving that it would hurt my moms feelings and i would rather me cry than her cry, so i am still here trying to keep a happy face while i feel as though i am slowly dying inside, but that's okay, i can handle it (can't i ?) so as long as they are happy. So in an attempt not to fall apart, i am doing as andrea said to me ( lol) i am faking it until i make it, i have one more day and then i can go home, i can do one more day. right. of course i can and soon this bittersweet week will be over.

If only

My day started so well, but now here i am at 1 in the morning , crying. Thinking of my angels and wondering why? Why is it so easy for others and yet seems to be so hard for me. Suddenly i'm surrounded by friends who have given birth, just finding out they are pregnant and some having their 3 or 4. Yet hear i sit missing my babies and wondering why? Since i was younger i knew that i was meant to be 2 things in life, a wife and a mother, while most of my friends had dreams of being dotors and nurses and teachers and lawyers, i dreamed of my husband and the children we'd have and the kind of wife and mother i'd be, but the part of this dream seems to have eluded me. It seems that maybe god has me on a different path, or maybe it's just a detour. If only i had a hint or a clue or just a piece of his plan for me or my purpose, then maybe i wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe i wouldn't feel so hollow and empty as i do now. If only.............

Our babies are more than memories.

They are pieces of our hearts.

Their footprints are embedded upon our souls.

Forever changing our lives.

Vent

On this journey i have come to realize a couple of things, 1) one cannot truly understand this journey unless you are walking ( i say walking b/c i believe that you truly never stop )( at least for most and you'll see in a bit why i say most) this journey. 2) there are just some who are rude, insensitive and or self absorbed people in this world. This has truly been shown to me over this past week. Last night i recieved a text from an aunt who lives out of state saying " all i want for x-mas is a financial blessing and for my kids to be happy" which i text back "well all i want is my baby in my arms". I mean i don't know maybe i am just overly sensitive right now, but that struck a chord. I mean who doesn't want there kids to be happy. But it's not like you don't know that my angel is not here with me, you know this is my second loss, why would you send me things about your children. Maybe it kinda bothered me b/c she is always sending me texts ending with love her, her hubby's name, her childrens names followed by family. Yes i am glad that you have a family and that you all are doing well, but honestly right now i don't wanna hear about them or the new baby and how they run you ragged sometimes. I mean i wish i could be holding my camron right now ( which he would be three months now) and even greater i would love to be holding him with xavien still in my oven baking. But that is not my reality right now and i'd rather be left out of the mass texts.But as i have said our journey is not something you can understand unless you are walking it. Then there is my SIL (which i have 7 so i will call her SIL#2). Well a few days after i get out the hospital SIL#2 calls supposedly to check up on me. I thought that okay well she has been through this before so certainly she knows what i'm going through, so i tell her that i have been balling my eyes out, well after telling her that you wouldn't know that i had told her anything b/c she proceeds with telling me how she's been crying for 4 days straight b/c her and her boyfriend broke up, and how people at work or treating her badly and how she can't bellieve people can be so mean and how she was told that her ex-husband and his new wife are expecting. I mean really! You think i want to hear all this right now. Yes you are hurting right now, but do you really think i 'm the one to call about your problems. I have my own hurt to deal with. Then to top that off, she calls me the other day to ask me if i still have the tape of her when she was pg, b/c she doesn't know why but she wants to watch it. I mean COME ON! why would you even call me and ask me about that. Can someone really be that dense? Especially someone who has had a mc. Yes it's been like 4 yrs since, but how can you forget what it's like? How do you forget that pain? God i pray that i don't forget. Yes it's painful at times, but i don't want to forget, i want to be a help to people and encouragement for them. I wouldn't trade the memory of my babies for anything. They are more than memories, they are a part of me. But i am going to end this on a good note and say THANK GOD for the people he put in my life to cancel out the bad that i run into every now and again. THANK GOD

To Camron

This is something that i thought when we lost camron but was never able to write it for some reason, (probably because i couldn't get through thinking it without crying) but it's something that i don't ever want to forget so i decided to post it today........

To Camron

On december 23 i heard a voice say to me, it's here, the dream you waited for , and on january 3 a home test said it's true, a big positive said i had been blessed with you, and just to be sure on January 12 a doctor confirmed that the home test was correct and so was that voice i heard, and so i fell in love with you, i hoped and i dreamed for you, all before even seeing your face. Then i heard your heart beat and that made you all the more real. I smiled , my heart smiled my soul smiled, But on april 14 2009 my womb opened and a voice said "daughter it's time" He is much too perfect for this earth , so 5months early to you i gave birth. And as i held you, i cried, hoping that my tears could be your water of life, and as i cried i breathed, i breathed so deeply because not only was i breathing for me, but for you, hoping if it was deep enough and long enough that i could give you the breath of life, that if i just kept breathing that eventually i would see the rise and fall of your tiny chest and that if i cried hard enough my cries would be your cries, and that you would would come back to me. But you didn't, you couldn't. So now i sit and think of you, i think of all the hopes and dreams that i had for you. I sit and i think of how i'd fallen in love before even seeing your face, i think of the first time i heard your heart beat, i sit and think of how it felt holding you in the palm of my hand, and though you are gone from this earth you will never be forgotten. You will always be my first born. You will always be loved. You will always be mine. My camron.

I love you.

The Checkup

So today i took the drive that i have been so nervous about. My two week checkup. So off to the doctor i went, not realizing how nervous about it i actually was . I had to turn around once b/c my mind was raceing with so many thoughts i missed my exit, then i almost missed the turn to the doctors office. But i mad it on time. So i walk inside sign in, sit down and wait to be called. I want to thank everyone for your prayers, god really had his ears opened b/c even though there were others there, it wasn't that many and only a few of them had bellies and if the others were pg, they were not showing yet. So i sit and wait and write a little bit, trying not to look to my left or my right. My husband sits quietly beside watching tv, which thank god again b/c it was a talkshow on and not on a baby channell that offices sometimes play.Finally we are called to the back, my weight and vitals are taken and then we are sent to a room to wait on the doctor. If i wasn't nervous i don't know what i was. Well finally the doctor comes in and asks me what happened, i think he was just as surprised that i miscarried as i was when it happened, but he actually did the last thing i expected him to do...... he apologized, he actually said he was sorry and actually looked as though he meant it, he actually told me that he had misjudged, that he had went by the text book, which says that an incompatent cervix is not really declared until after a minimum of 2 miscarriages (which i think really sucks that one has to go through that much pain before a diagnosis is truly declared) So he examines me and lets me know that everything is well and he also talks to us a little more giving us some info and also talking to us about a plan for the next time, and eventhough his apologizing wont bring my beautiful angel back, it stilled eased my heart a bit to know that he was concerned and actually cared. So again i thank you all for your prayers and i thank god for listening, because today i have a renewed since of hope. and as long as i have hope everything else will come. So today i end this sending HUGE amounts of HOPE and LOVE to you all. As long as we have that, we all will weather this storm togeather.