Loving my angels

27

2012-02-11T16:50:00.000-08:00

I know I know I'm behind on the posting. It's been my routine lately.

Well this is gonna be short one.

I'm 27wks 5days along ( see told ya this was a late post. LoL) and I am just ecstatic. I didn't' think I could get anymore excited but I am. and as the time inches closer I think i will still become more and more excited. I must say that this week was a pick me up from the last. I've smiled more and relaxed more and have just felt good. I will be having a baby shower, thrown by my mom and aunt next month and I am also super excited about that. Not only that but it brings me that much closer to meeting this little guy. From the u/s some people are saying he's beginning to look like me, but we shall see.

I thought I lost my mucous plug this week, so I was nervous for a second, but I talked with Marie and she calmed me down and helped me feel better. I also had a ob appointment the next day. She checked me out and all is well. J is doing well and my cervix is long and closed still , so all good there. I have my 1hr glucose test on wednesday @ 9a.m wish me luck and send up some prayers cause I have not been the healthiest eater this time around.

It seems that J has gotten on a bit of a routine these past few weeks as he is very very very active from 11 to midnight then up and moving again around 5:30 then at 8 with little flutters and kicks throughout the day. It makes me wonder if this will be his schedule when he is actually here and home with us. ( Wow I just said when and not if! Go Me!) But we shall see.

I guess this post wasn't as short as I thought it would be ;O)

Well I will leave off with a Photo taken today :

26

2012-02-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

Wow! I know here I am with the wow word again, but that's how I feel. at least that's the only way I can describe it. We are at 26wks. well 26wks and 3days to be exact. Well somewhat exact if I could calculate hours and minute that would be exact, but you get my drift. I must say the past few weeks have been somewhat challenging. Between dreams and some tough discussions with the hubby it's been interesting to say the least.

But today, today has been great! A wonderfully bittersweet moment which I can say it is majority sweet. I had an MFM appointment today and it went great! No changes in my cervix and it is still measuring at a 3.3. Which she then told me that this was my last appointment with her. ( yes I know "tear") But she said with me doing so well there is no need to see her anymore. We have made it past viability ( there's that word) and the next big step is making it to 28wks which for her is a time where she isn't worried about me delivering, but of course in our world we know all too differently, but still at the moment the fact that she was happy about it made me happy about it and of course she let it be known that she does want me to make it to 40 and believes I will. So yes though we where saying goodbye to Dr. S it was a great way to do so.

The Hubby and I also made our first big purchase in preparation for baby J. At least it was big for me. A mom car. yes I say mom car because I've gone from a 2 door read scion TC to a 4 door Lincoln MKX. So yes that's a big purchase and a big difference, but I am loving it thus far and and am looking forward to taking my little man around it.

Well I am done babbling for now so I will end with a few pics

26wks and I must say out of all the u/s pics we have this one is thus far the most precious one to me:

me at 23wks along

pic of my belly that hubby took at my doc appt.

and last but not least the bump at 26wks

Awake

2012-01-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

Wow, here it's been almost two weeks since I've posted and I really wanted it to be an update, but here I am at 11:30pm up, awake, because when closing my eyes I began to think of my first born. The first time I'd fallen in love without even seeing his face. The first time I had to say hello and goodbye. And don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this blessing that I'm carrying now, that I have made it as far as I have and am believing that I will make it farther (and hating that I feel as if I have to write an explanation so that others won't think I"m ungrateful). But as I'm thankful for this baby and as I fall more and more in love with him, It makes me think of the first time. How I was so over the moon, excited hoping and dreaming and wanting and longing, I guess all too soon. And as I feel this one move I think of the first time I felt felt him move, only days before I had to tell him goodbye. And my heart hurts, I miss him, I miss what could have been, what should have been. And I miss my other babies, I think of what I didn't get to enjoy with them because of worry and fear. I think of how I love them all. How I miss them all. But right now I can't get the very first time out of mind. And It hurts because I don't wanna to stress baby J out I want to be the best me, and the strongest me that I can be, but every time I close my eyes I see myself in that hospital holding camron and saying goodbye. I remember the only crying being my and his fathers tears. And I think about the day that J will be here and I hope and pray that it's his tears i hear above my own. And as I cry from joy I'll be crying from a longing I know I can't have.

23

2012-01-13T13:41:00.000-08:00

Yes I know I'm a little late with this post, but I haven't felt much like sitting up at the computer lately and I could do it from my iPad but it takes me forever to type on there and I sometimes have a lot to say.

I am 23wks! and In just days I will be 24! I am just so ecstatic, happy, amazed and thankful. There was a time that I'd never thought I would see this. That I would make it this far.

These past couple of weeks have been interesting. I'm feeling things that I've never felt before and it's great and sometimes scary. I am just totally over the moon. I love every little kick and jab that I feel. And even when it's uncomfortable, like when he balls up on the right side of my stomach, it makes me happy to know that he has his favorite little spot. I am so excited to meet him and I'm even more excited that the hubby is just as excited with me. To know that he count's down the weeks with me, asks about milestones, expresses how blessed he feels that we have made it this far and excited about making it farther. To hear the hopes and dreams that he has for our son just makes my day.

But I must also say that even in such a happy time, I miss my angels, I sometimes close my eyes and all I see are my last days with each of them, the labor and having to say hello and goodbye all at once. I've posted pictures of this pregnancy on fb and it's amazing how many comments and congrats I get, but when I post about my angels less than a third comment or give a kind word. But I guess I can't hold it against them, because without going through this they can't understand how one child does not replace another.

I also had a quick appointment with my ob today. I have gained 10lbs in 4wks. geesh! She didn't say anything to me about it, but I'm thinking that can't be good? I mean at 23 wks I've gained already 20lbs total this pregnancy. I'm gonna have to slow down on the snacking I guess. Or try my best to find healthier alternatives, which is hard when you're a picky ( finicky) eater like me. But I have to do something. I can't exercise like I want because of my condition, but I'm gonna do something. Also baby boy is doing well. Moving and shaking as always. And I think I will officially say , he hates the doppler, every time it goes on my belly he's kicking and moving trying to get out of dodge and as always he's never shy about showing his business on the u/s.

Well I think I will stop babbling here and just leave a couple of pics of me and the bump at 23wks:

What a week

2012-01-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

Wow! Another week gone by and what a week it has been. I came into 2012 with much hope and expectation and I still feel that way. I am ever so thankful to be where I am and I know that this is not it. That there is more. I even declared it on New Years.

This week has been wonderfully interesting and not in a major happenings sort of way, but this week has shown me the person I've become. And it all started with a visit to the ER. Late tuesday night or wednesday morning I began having stomach pains. At fist I thought nothing of it, because hey, I've had many aches and pains with this pregnancy . So I laid down for a bit and tried to get some sleep only to awake an hour later still hurting, so I got up and walked a bit, sipped water in hopes that it would go away. But it didn't so finally i got decent( yes decent in no way was I dressed, well I was but not really for the public, but hey this was an emergency) and went to the ER the wait wasn't too bad but at least when they did call me I was sent directly to LnD. The old me, would have been scared at just the thought of being in LnD way too soon, but this me, this hope filled me, this faith filled me was calm. I only focussed on making sure everything with my baby boy was okay. I mean God has allowed me to make it to 22wks and I'm believing him for 18 more and I know that he won't' fail me or forsake me. So they get me hooked up to the monitors and I hear that wonderful sound of his hb, not only that but he is kicking and moving around so that it took her a few minutes to even get him still enough to get his heart rate. Now to the old me this would have meant nothing, I've heard heartbeats of my babies that I still had to say good bye to way to soon. But this time I focused on God and his promises to me, and for me and what I've learned of him over these years. And guess what, EVERY THING was fine. It was just him moving and shaking as he always does. No contractions no open cervix, no dilation, just my baby boy having a field day in my uterus. They also had a lab tech come in and do a u/s and she also measured my cervix, which she came up with a measurement of 2.8. Which for a moment that got me nervous because just two weeks ago I was at a little over 3.3. So after a couple of more hours of monitoring I was sent home and told to be on bed rest until I saw my doctor, which happened to be thursday. I must say that this news had me a bit nervous and so I sought some advice and was reassured by a friend that all is well and guess what, thursday all was well. My MFM said that my cervix was still long and close on both sides and that baby boy is doing great! That I am doing great that she believes I will see 40wks! Can you say thankful! Because that is certainly what I am.

And here I sit on the Eve of 23 weeks! One Week from 24 and I am ever so thankful. For each and every moment God has allowed me with this sweet wonderful baby boy, who is so loved and wanted and anticipated. No one can tell me that my God isn't good. And I know on this journey that faith is very much tried, pushed back and even lost, but I know that when you just trust, no matter what it looks like, no matter what happens, that God is there, he's a healer, he hears our hearts and our every cry and most of all he is God. And I am just thankful.

Forever Loving my Angels, I smile at the thought of you, knowing that I have the three of you in heaven waiting for me, but as we wait you are above looking over your brother at the masters feet in the safest place you can be.

I Love you Camron, Xavien and Tristen

Reflections of 2011

2011-12-31T15:55:00.001-08:00

Wow it's almost 2012.

But before we go into this new year I wanted to take a moment and reflect on this year. 2011 has been one of the most emotion packed years for me. I mean of course "09" and "10" were years of emotion but that was mostly heartbreak ,hurt and sorrow. But this year, this years was a range of emotion and lessons. I came into 2011 trying to figure out how to pick myself up from the hurt of losing my children. I longed for what I'd lost, and what I felt I needed, wanted and missed. I syked myself out a bit at times thinking I was okay. I can say that the excessive planning (monitoring and counting and such) ( and I say excessive because there were times I longed to be pg, but didn't obsess over it) slowed down a bit. But through this hurt I am thankful that I kept my faith. Yes I questioned it at times but through everything I haven't lost it. In a situation where many pull totally away, I held on. It was the support of many who have walked this road and my faith that got me through, that still gets me through. I celebrated angelversaries and by the middle of the year, something that I thought would never happen, happened.

I found healing. I learned to see the silver linning. I realized that though I didn't want them there, my babies were and are still in the safest place they can be. That I have to do all I can to live in a manner that will allow me to be with them again when that time comes. I began to get honest with myself and God. I wanted a baby a child created from the love between my husband and I, BUT if it was not in the will of God, in the time He has for me, then I will wait. Yes it will hurt and yes I will cry and still hope, but only what God blesses will last, so I told God I will wait for him. And I did. And he blessed me. Sept 5 2011, Labor Day, My aunts birthday, I found out that God had indeed blessed me again. This was one of the sweetest yet scariest moments of my life. But again I was thankful. There was worry, but my hope outweighed that worry. My trust in God overroad my fear. And hear I am going into 2012, 21wks along with a beautiful baby boy that I am totally in love with. I am at a place that I have never been before and for that I am thankful.

So as I say goodbye to 2012, I bless God for all he has taken me through. Eventhough I didn't want to go through it, even though I wouldn't choose it, I thank him and I give him glory for the person he has made me out to be. I thank him because I am restored, renewed and redeemed. And I am determined to continue to keep my hope, be thankful for my blessings and get ready to welcome one of the most precious gifts God can give into this world in May 2012.

2Cor 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

A short ramble ;O)

2011-12-30T16:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days so I figured I pop in. The past few days have been a lot better compared to how I was feeling monday. I still find myself a bit weepy at the smallest things whether it's happy or sad, but I guess that is all just hormones. Thank you Nan for allowing me to unload on you as it was a big big help also.

Today I am 21 weeks 4 days! Can you say GLORY to God! I am just so thankful to be at this point and so very excited about hitting 22 on Monday. Baby boy is growing and I've got the belly to prove it. But I probably won't post pics until tomorrow or monday. I can't believe how fast these weeks have gone by. At first I felt like they were dragging but now sitting and thinking about it and looking at my belly and his u/s pictures, it's just amazing. I'm feeling his kicks now and I just love it. when I tell others (IRL) that I can feel him they tell me " wait until he really starts poking and kicking, it's not gonna be so fun anymore" But I'm not sure I agree with that. I'm at a point in this pregnancy that I've never gotten to, I'm at a point that I've longed to be at, I've anticipated these flutters and kicks since I found out I was pg. So yes it may get a little uncomfortable as he gets stronger, but I will cherish every single movement I get from him. Especially on those days I need to know that he's okay. Which I must say he's gotten pretty good at. I'm just truly amazed and in love. So very thankful for this little miricle .

And though I'm so very happy for me, please know that I think of you still on this road of trying or adopting or IVF or what ever avenue that is being taken for your miricle and I pray that God strengthens , encourages and comforts you through this journey.

Emotions taking over ;O/

2011-12-26T19:06:00.000-08:00

I know that yesterday was Christmas and that this should probably be a happy post, but as of this moment I'm just not in that place. I mean yesterday and the 4 days before were awesome and I truly mean that. I had family start coming in on Wednesday and I enjoyed it because I'd missed them so much. Church was amazing Sunday. I wasn't at all worried about gifts. It did me good to see my family smile and have a good time. I was really just thankful. Thankful for what the season is really about. The Savior's birth, because had he not been born, he wouldn't have died and rose again that I may live.

But today,

today is different. I guess it's just my emotions taking over. My family has returned home and I am here alone. ( I don't mention on my blog, but without going into detail the hubs is often away because of his job) and I don't know maybe it's hormones, (more than likely it is) because I cry at the drop of a dime over the simplest things. They haven't been gone a full 24 hours and I wish I could have went with them for a bit. Well I finally got over that after a long nap.

Well hubby calls and we talk and it's not even an argument just him telling me some things that need to be done and here I am a blubbering mess again. I promise it's not even anything to cry about, but here I am crying and I can't seem to stop. And then I cry because I'm upset that I can't stop crying, and I cry as I type this , because well, I don't want to cry.

I mean I have so much to be thankful for. Yes I've had trials and hard times and heart break, but I know that my life could be so much worse. I mean no I don't think there's anything worse than the loss of a child but I know that so much more could have come on top of that, but hasn't. I have food, I have shelter , I have clothes, and much more that I could name, but yet here I sit in a woe is me mood and it sucks. Though after I finish this post I will probably want to kick myself for even writing this ( which to me equals saying it or admitting it aloud in a way) but I also know that if I don't it will eat away at me and I'll cry even more.

I just hate when I let a wonderful time get overshadowed by what I'm feeling at the moment. ugh.......................................

But hey the tears are subsiding already so I guess my writing is doing the job. So to end on a brighter note I will say that through whatever I'm feeling I am thankful for the little flutters and kicks that baby boy is giving me letting me know he's there.

And The Winner is !!!!!!!!!!!

2011-12-20T17:28:00.000-08:00

First I must say wow! I so very enjoyed all the comments that I got and even got other great idea's on getting away. I wish I could get everyone something and my heart was truly torn on picking a winner so I did what I have seen many do when choosing. I went to random dot org. I tried to get the picture of the results to put on here but I can't seem to figure it out.

So without any more babbling for me the winner was #4 which happened to be Karen over at www.busyhandsbc.blogspot.com . Congratulations! Please email me your mailing info to

oneshandrea04 at gmail dot com. I look forward to hearing from you soon so that I can get it in the mail for you. I really hope you enjoy it!

once again thank you all so much I pray that the holiday's are easy on your hearts ! HUGS ;O)

Day 19 Give Away !

2011-12-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

So it's day 19! My day for the giveaway! Let me first thank Tina over at Living without Sofia and Ellie for allowing me to participate in this years giveaways.

I must say ever since this began I have thought about what I wanted to do and had so many Ideas running through my head. I popped on to other participants pages to see what they were doing to maybe help me decide which only added to the thoughts that I had because some have been very different. So then I sat and thought and thought and thought then worried that what I wanted to do wouldn't really be something somebody wanted or would like or that it was too simple. So then I thought some more and some more and realized that it's gonna be good because it's from my heart. So here goes :

As mommies to angels we often get so caught up in our grief (rightly so) and missing what we once had that we often forget to be good to ourselves. We hurt at moments so badly that we wish we could get away "Just for a moment". Not to forget our children but just a moment away from the hurt and from the pain. And even months , days or even years later we find ourselves caught up in a dip on this roller coaster that is a life with loss. Sometimes we just want and need to get away from that reality. For me I like to get away with a good book . I like to set a nice atmosphere, candles, something to drink or snack on and as I said a good book . So In thinking of this I decided to put together a small getaway package:

Because sometimes you don't wanna get out of your pj's it's a comfy robe, candle and wine glass. I figured hey you might as well be comfortable as you get away right ?

There's also a wine glass that I thought was just too cute. The name of the glass is "Shopaholic Too" and of course we all know that sometimes you just gotta shop to get away. And there is also a scented candle with the wording "Enjoy Life's Little Pleasures" which I believe this journey has taught many of us to do.

On the bottom of the glass is a recipe for a drink. Whoever gets this just let me know how it tastes if you try it ;O)

So in order to win all you have to do is be a baby loss mom and leave a comment telling me what you like to do to get away and also leave the title of a book you'd love to get away with because I will get that and add it to your package also :O) I will close out this give away on Midnight Dec 20th and announce the winner Dec 21st. Also please leave a link to your blog so that I may come and visit!

Gonna focus on the good

2011-12-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

I had an appointment with Dr. V (my ob) all was well. My son is not shy at all. As soon as she put the probe to my belly he was spread eagle on the screen. He also loves to shake his but whenever we go in to see her ( I love it!) She said that he is looking good. His heartbeat is good, he's got enough room in inside ( I asked if he had enough room cause he sometimes looks tight in there) but I guess I should have known that when he was spread eagle today. My bp and weight are both good so all is good and I'm thankful.

Then she read to me the report she received from my MFM. All there was great as well, my cervix is long and closed, 4.4 to be exact . But she also said the my placenta is laying low that it is sitting on my cervix, which of course made me nervous. and for a moment that's all that I could focus on, and I was kind of upset at myself for it. She also told me that as my uterus grows that it will move up but she wanted to let me know as it can sometimes cause bleeding. So I guess in that sense I am glad she told me because I'm sure I'd really freak out if I did see blood and had no idea where it came from.

But again just the thought shook me for a moment, but thankfully sweet friends helped me to focus on the positive and know that everything will be okay. And it helped oh so much. I realized I am at a place I've never been, in a position I've never been. My cervix is still long AND closed and my baby is healthy. God has brought me this far so there's no way he can't bring me even further. He has not left me nor forsaken me and I will continue to lean on his promises.

I love this little boy so much and envision myself meeting him when that day comes, and I know that his brothers and sisters are watching and loving him from above.

It's amazing sometimes how no matter how much good we have around we tend to focus on the one minute thing instead of remembering the good.

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoices; and with my song will I praise him.

;O)

2011-12-12T12:50:00.000-08:00

Can we say WOW! I am at a place I haven't been before. I am 19weeks! and Everything is still looking good! The last time I was here in pregnancy I was goodbye as soon as I said hello. But today I am still here, we are still here (me and my bun that is ;O) ) and I'm not gonna say as pg as I've ever been because I'm hoping and praying that this will not be the farthest I get. I will make it all the way! 40wks here I come.

I'm one week from being at the half way mark, and to most , well to the average no problem pregnant people that may seem like a world away, but for me it's a milestone, a stepping stone should I say. I know that these times are hard for many too. The holidays are when we seem to miss our angels the most. I still sit and wonder what would my angels be doing had they been here and though I am ecstatic about this baby, I still miss my other babies. I suppose that's something that will never change.

I am also amazed at how different this pregnancy is from the other 3 ( which I guess is good considering how those turned out). and I don't mean just having the TAC, but also the way my body has changed (some of these changes suck), like I have body acne, yeah so not sexy I know but, well let me not say body acne, let me say chest acne, like between but above my boobs, not a lot but enough to notice (oh and sorry if that was TMI) but speaking of boobs ;O) I have some, at this point and time I'm a full C and for most i'm sure that's nothing but when you've had a B cup that sometimes looks like an A cup all your life, hey this is a nice change. I hope to maybe get a lil bigger before my lil guy is born and hopefully I can keep some afterward ? hmmmmmmm I guess time will tell on that one, but enough of the boob talk (hee hee). With the TAC I also feel a lot more. I feel the stretching and pulling and what not which can make one quite nervous, but my docs still say that things look good and baby is fine, so I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to it. Oh and my belly button that started as an innie , which turned into a flatty is now on it's way to being an outtie. My sister says It looks like I have one giant boob where my stomach should be. (lol)

So in honor of these glorious 19wks I figured I'd put up a few pics of me and the belly to celebrate. YaY !

An Awesome Thursday!

2011-12-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

Today has started off and continued to be a wonderful day. And it's not even that many things have happened through out today. I had a great appointment with my MFM and I'm still reeling (sp?) with joy over that.

It started with the Tech taking a lot of pics of my precious baby boy, and giving them all to me on a cd ! (Score one for me!) After that came the internal u/s (oh the joy ;O% ) to look at my cervix. after that she sent in her report and once she left in came................. a doctor I didn't know and once he got to talking I didn't like very much. He came in looked at my pics and asked why was I here. I told him b/c I'm a high risk pregnancy. He then looked at the pics the tech took again and then asked me "why are you high risk" so I gave him the quick version of my story and after that he had the nerve to ask me "if this doesn't work, then what are we supposed to do" I looked at him and almost wanted to cuss him (and I don't even curse) I told him I don't know you're the doctor you tell me. Just as I was about to ask him where the heck is doctor S he said something that calmed me down. He said " Well looking at these pictures you have the most normal cervix I have ever seen, it's long and closed"......... And as I thought to go off on him, I realized what he said and just smiled and thought to myself thank God. And to make things better as he was walking out Dr. S was walking in. She explained to me that he is the head of their department and she didn't even know he was in here. She also made my day even better by telling me that My cervix looks great. Yes great , not good not well not okay but great! She also said it is long and closed and that she will see me in two weeks! This has just made my day!

I am so happy and so joyous and so thankful that God has allowed thing to go so well.

Here I am 18wks3 days, the point and time that things went down hill for me with Camron, Xavien and Tristen. But here we are EIGHTEEN WEEKS THREE DAYS and things are lovely. I've been good handling this week. I notice that I found myself running to the bathroom at every sensation I felt hoping and praying that I didn't see anything bad. And I haven't. I have been and continue to be so hopeful with this pregnancy. I am just so in love already and I don't even know when that happened. I thought that I was guarding my heart somewhat but today I realized that I am totally amazed by , in awe of and totally in love with this baby. I have so many hopes and dreams and wants for him and I love it. I'd like to say that I've thrown caution to the wind but I cannot say that because again I have my moments. But as of now in this moment I am over the moon with joy.

And it makes it even better because hubby has come around to talking about names. And this in and of itself is a big deal. There was a point he felt that even thinking about names would jinx this blessing, but here we are not only talking about names but as of today have really narrowed down on our choices.

Here are some pictures of our beautiful blessing :

Today is just wonderful and I look forward to many more to come! You can't tell me that the God I serve is not an awesome God!

Time Flies

2011-12-02T15:38:00.000-08:00

We often hear or use the expression " Time Flies when you're having fun"

But I've learned over the past 2 and a half almost 3 years that this statement is not always true. In 2009 when I first experience the loss of a child. Time still flew. I mean yes I was still in greif, stuck there hurt broken and reliving many painful moments. But time still moved on. I mean here I was myself stuck in a moment, but time still sped by. The comfort I got from others in the beginning was gone after only weeks. It seemed as people forgot or just chose not to acknowledge what had happend and In that misery before even completely getting over or through that, It happened again and again I was frozen in my pain, but.....time still moved on. I couldn't truly feel as if time had slowed because there was so much around me changing, so many people moving on, many giving me advice I wasn't ready to hear or probably didn't even want to hear because they felt I had been in a place long enough.

And here I am again, at a moment in life that I am feeling so hopeful and thinking will time still continue to fly, will it go even faster now that I'm having fun, or will it just this once slow down and let me enjoy this ride? Will I enjoy this ride? Can I enjoy this ride?

Or should I hope that time continues to move at this speed? I mean after all I will be 18 weeks monday and though I'm very hopeful and believe that I will get to bring this sweet boy home alive and healthy and in my arms , there is part of me that wants this coming week to speed by. There is part of me that is ready to to get to 24wks already, there is part of me that wants to get to 30 weeks already, but the truth is, time goes at it's own pace, the pace that God has set forth and no matter what I say or do the time will move as it will. I just have to do my best to make the best of the time I have, to enjoy it , to hold to my peace , my hope and my faith.

And though time doesn't stand still I can hold on to the memories that are dear to me and the lessons I've learned.

Phil 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

25 Days of Giveaways !

2011-12-01T08:35:00.000-08:00

I am so excited to be participating in the 25 Days of Giveaways event this year. It is going on it's third year but this is my first time joining in the fun and I am beyond excited. I have yet to figure out what I will give away on my day, but I am sure it will come to me. So if you don't stop by my blog any other day make sure you stop by December 19th cause that is my day !

But for Day 1 which is today, make sure you stop over at Tina's blog over @ Livingwithoutsophiaandellie and enter to win the beautiful knecklace from her etsy shop she has made and to also find out tomorrow where the next giveaway will be!

Itchy Fingers

2011-11-28T04:20:00.000-08:00

No it's not a symptom I'm currently experiencing. At least not in the literally sense anyways. It's the only way that I can express how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm itching to buy something for this baby, but there's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying that I should wait until I reach 18wks at least, and granted that's only one week from now as I'm 17wks today. But it's not an omen like feeling it's a feeling of having loss , the feeling of remembering what's happened three times before, the feeling of now knowing that BFP doesn't =baby at the end of 9months. And I don't like it one bit. I know that I can't beat myself up because it comes with the territory, but it also wars with what I feel in my heart, what I know in my mind, that this baby WILL make it all the way.

So why can't I just roll with the punches and be happy. Why can't I just pick up what I like in a store when I see something, why do I have to second guess wanting to buy something for my baby. Why , why, why ! ( I know that sounded like a temper tantrum, and I guess it was a small one, but that's how I feel)

My Bishop at my church once said that "to have faith, you have to see it without seeing it." and that's what I've been doing. I've pictured myself holding my son, I've pictured his crib, the colors furniture and decorations, I've even pictured my baby shower and a registry.

But though I have such a burning in my bones to do so, I can't bring myself to make a purchase that I so badly want to make.
So I am stuck, stuck between buying or waiting, waiting or buying, going out on a limb to make a purchase only to have my heart crushed once again or actually getting to use what I buy.

But I knew this was a risk when I got pregnant again right? and that's the biggest risk of all isn't it? I mean what's the loss in clothes compared to the loss of a child right?

Part of me says that I should enjoy this time to the fullest. To not look back and regret not getting ready for this baby or not picking up something I really wanted for him. I mean God has already blessed my family abundantly, yes there have been heart wrenching and soul shattering moments, but there has also been good, even great times. And I have no reason to doubt that God is able, because I know he's able, but the question still remains.....................

To scratch or not to scratch?

I'm thinking I just may scratch ;O)

( hmmmmmmmmmm and who says talking to yourself is not normal?)

2yrs In Heaven

2011-11-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that two years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who soon after went to be with God. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and others it feels like a lifetime ago and it even sometimes feels like a bad dream. I look at my niece and wander what she would have been doing today, the things she would have been saying. But I find comfort in remembering how much I love her, that she is in the safest place she can be and that I will soon see her again. I also know that she is not alone. Though I wish that she nor the other angel babies had to be angels, I am glad she is not alone. I know that she and her brothers are looking down on me and their brother. Keeping him and watching over him and helping him to arrive safely into my arms. I Love you Xavien and I always will. You will remain in my heart forever and you will always have a piece of me there with you.

MFM appointment !

2011-11-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

I just got back from (well not just got back, been back for about 30 minutes) and I must say this has been the best appointment yet ;O) I got a very good u/s and she was actually able to tell the gender, but I'll save that for the end of this post. She measured everything including my cervix and took a look at my stitch. Both look good. My cervix is strong long (as long as mine gets anyway) with no changes thus far (praying it stays that way) and my stitch looks good and holding well. I am so happy ! She took lots of shots and also gave me a cd of pictures to take home with me. I am just so ecstatic and this appointment has made me feel so optimistic about this time around. I truly believe that I will be bringing home a live healthy baby to raise and love and somewhat spoil ;O)

and without further adew (sp?)

and hear are a couple of more pics of the butter bean

Love/Hate

2011-11-19T05:47:00.000-08:00

I at this moment am in a Love/Hate relationship with the coming weeks. There's so much to love about them yet there's things that I hate about them.

I Love that in my 16th and 17th weeks and even at the beginning of my 18th(the first day of wk 18 to be exact) that my cervix was holding strong and still looked normal.

I also Hate that in my 18th week I gave birth 5months too soon.

I Love that in my 16th week I began to get my energy back. That I could move around and at least have the energy to fix me a decent meal.

I Hate the fact that I didn't get to enjoy this stage of pregnancy very long.

I Love that I began to feel the baby's kicks at the beginning of my 18th week.

I Hate that this feeling didn't last very long.

I Love the fact that this time reminds me of when I first learned what it meant to fall in Love a way that you never knew could exist.

But I Hate the fact that it reminds me of the greatest losses in my Life.

Yes this point and time is like a roller coaster ride with a lot of dips and loops.

But never the less I LOVE the fact that in those dips i am still looking up . That I still have Hope that I am looking forward to seeing 18wks and beyond. That my trust is not in these emotions that can sometimes be all over the place, that aren't always the same. But my trust is in the One who sits high and looks low. The One that has carried me through grief that heals me, that holds me and that comforts me. And that I could never hate.

Update with the Ob

2011-11-19T05:32:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I had an appointment with my ob. All in all it was a great appointment minus a few things. So I guess I'll start with the not so happy things first and that way I can end on a good note.

Still no pictures this time. Apperantly they sent her the wrong part for her printer so no pictures (which i guess I can say was kinda okay because I go in on wednesday to see the MFM so I should get some pictures then)

and the only other sucky thing is she only has priveliges at the hospital where I delivered Camron (which I should have checked before hand) , but I love her as my ob. She is very caring, very concerned, never rushes me and is always listening to me and what I need. She also told me that as far as doctors and staff and lot has changed and she will do her best to make sure I have a better esperience. So in talking to her she kinda made me feel better but I'm not too sure yet.

As far as me I've gained 1lb since my last visit and I think thus far I have gained a total of 4lbs maybe and my blood pressure is back to normal. It was running a little low on earlier visits.

And now for the good news. Baby is doing great his (not sure if bb is a boy or girl but I get tired of say he/she or it or bb so for now it's he) heart rate is strong at 155. I so love that he is a mover. I got kicks and waves and booty shakes (yes for some reason this baby like to shake his but on screen) and I love every bit of it. It relieves a lot nervousness that I have on my way in for my appointments. Dr. V also looked at my stitch and said that is looking good, and holding well. I go and see Dr. S on wednesday so I will get and actual cervix length check then.
All in all things are good and I am so very thankful. I just continue to hope and pray that all continues going well.

14wks and an appointment

2011-11-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

So today I am exactly 14wks along. I have no pictures to post this time because the past few weeks I have been too lazy to make myself look like something and wouldn't dare scare anybody by posting pics of me in with my hair all over my head. Although today I looked somewhat decent I just didn't feel too much like pulling out the the camera.

I had an appointment with my Ob on friday which went great. I got to have a nice long look at my butter bean who now looks more like Mr. Peanut to me (hee hee ). I got to see him wave at me (haven't found out the sex yet but just saying him ) and also shook his but at me as well. I loved it and I loved seeing him on the screen. But unfortunately no take home pic this time. There was a patient before me who's children decided it would be fun to play with the u/s machine and well, she can't print pictures now. I hope she has a new machine by the time I go back on the 18th or there is gonna be some smoke in the city cause I will be one HOT mama! I only have pictures of my bean when he looked like ........well a bean and now that he is starting to look like somebody I would like that picture to stare at.

Wow I'm 14wks already! I say already but I feel like time is moving so slowly. LoL but I think I'm just anxious to make it to a point that I've never made it to before. But I am thankful for the peace that God has given me because I'm cautious but not worried. I think everyone around me is more worried than I am. I am just grateful for this little blessing.

I am still praying for all of my angel moms who are still awaiting their moment. I pray that God blesses you with a baby to take home and raise here with you, in your arms.

I also started my phlebotomy clinicals today. I know it's seems like it took forever but I had to wait for the full timers to finish so that I could get a spot. It was a good day and I did better than I thought. THANK GOD! I hope tomorrow goes even better. Well I'm off to get myself together and get to bed.

Blowing sweet kisses to my Angels!

Wave of Light and other ramblings...........

2011-10-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

So lets see......... it's been a bit of a stretch since I last wrote and it's not that I haven't had anything to say as a matter of fact I think I've had too much swirling around, but I just haven't had the energy. So I'll start with Saturday Oct. 15 which was the Wave of Light Remembrance
I've been celebrating this day for 2 years now and though this time things are a little different makes this no less special.

I think many believe that being pregnant again replaces all that you go through when you lose a child. But it just isn't so. Yes I'm pregnant again, but if you don't know me personally, or don't read my blog then you would never have known, because my house is empty except for the keepsakes of 3 beautiful angels that I was able to carry for a short while. To the world outside of loss I am just another person. But to those who know, who understand , I am a mother.

So yes I'm tired, and yes I'm nauseated and yes my belly has begun to grow, but
I remember
the heartache, the shattered soul, the tears, the sleepless nights, I remember the quiet after giving birth, no baby crying, no congratulations, just silence, just hurt , just pain, just questions...........
I remember
babies gone before and after mine, parents grieving there lost children, families sometimes broken
Yes I am beyond thankful to be where I am at this moment, I am beyond thankful for the peace of mind that God has given me, I am thankful for his faitfulness that even though there were times I felt like it, he has never left me and I am thankful that I remember where I once was, I remember how it felt, I can still hold myself together, I have known a love like no other I am simply thankful

In this journey I know that a lot of times for a lot of people that faith is shaken and sometimes lost. But I am grateful that though I was shaken at one point, and though I at times wanted to stop believing, that God wouldn't let me. I will always remember what happened but I will also remember that I am surviving and that just amazes me. My God never ceases to amaze me. I can remember being pregnant with xavien and being scared to move and of course it is said that all pregnancies are different which in turn is true but after loss it's hard for anxiety to be different, but for me this time it is. Yes I have my moments but they are just that, moments. It's like when fear tries to creep in God doesn't let it. He instead reminds me of his promises and of his word. I can't even explain it, I mean of course sometimes things creep in , but I don't dwell on them (and there was once a time that i did). But his peace has been surrounding me. It's just unexplainable and I know it may sound like I'm rambling but right now this is the best way I can describe it. I am just glad that I held on to the sliver of faith that I had. I am thankful that he has grown that faith into what it is now and I am blessed because I know that it can only get better.

10

2011-10-10T17:35:00.001-07:00

So today I have reached double digits in this pregnancy. I am exactly 10wks. That means I have 2wks until I can say I have made it to the second trimester , 8wks until I reach the point where I Camron and Xavien were born, and the point were I went into the hospital with Tristen and 9wks away from the point when he was born. So needless to say that this will be an interesting time. I can't say that I am nervous, but I think I'm anxious to get to that point and past it. I whole heartedly believe that I will bring home a healthy living baby this time, but sometimes things do sneak up on me. I hope and pray everyday that this TAC is doing it's job. I try my best to live in the moment, thank God for this pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it I can, which is sometimes hard to do when you're exausted , nauseated and stuffy.

It's such a delicate balance. I try my best not to complain because I don't want to seem ungrateful, but sometimes it just seems hard. I've been pregnant 3 years in a row now and the first 2 years never getting past the point where relief starts to come. It's like I went from nausea to heartache. and this pregnancy is so very different from those pregnancies. I absolutely cannot stand water, yes water I know right ! the most tasteless thing the most needed thing for me and I hate it, it's a task for me to get down one bottle of it, but I force myself and as of late it's been kinda easy, oh and I also love frosted flakes right now, and I have to have eggs and pancakes every morning (sometimes biscuits instead). This time around my 10wk belly looks like a 14wk belly lol. and I've actually had some pretty bad cramping from time to time. and again nausea sucks! BUT, I will endure it all, I am thankful for it all, because it means I have a baby that is growing and thriving and most importantly alive! So I will take it all, I will endure it all with hoping and praying that this one will come home , living, breathing and in my arms and not as a box of memories.

Sorry this post may be a little all over the place (my mind has been all over the place lately)

I've also decided that it's time I started take some belly shots so here goes: (oh and please don't mind the hair)

2011-10-08T17:54:00.001-07:00

So my appointment yesterday went well. I got to see the butterbean and heartbeat. My doctor told me I am measuring on track and so far everything looks good. Then we went to her office and talked about my blood work. she tested me for everything under the sun.

Disclaimer: TMI coming up.

All tests were negative except for one. which she said that I carry a backteria that most women naturally carry and is harmless except in pregnant women. She gave me the name but I can remember it for the life of me (bacterial something with a P) anywho she said that it has been known to cause pre-term labor (which of course had me worried) it's nothing that is curable (cue more worry) but they do treat it to bring down the levels of it (okay somewhat nervous now but not really) but they can't treat it until 2wks. the medicine used for it isn't safe until the second trimester. So I have 3 wks well a little less than that (i will be exactly 10wks on monday) until I can get the medicine. But I must say overall I am not worried (a little concerned, but not worried) I have a peace that I know only God can give and I am ever so thankful for it.

I am also thankful to have an OB that is so thorough and caring. She actually sits and talks with me and makes me feel as if I matter, as if my concerns matter. That is so such a blessing to have. She told me to not hesitate to come in if i feel the need. Even if i don't have an appointment. She told me don't feel crazy because my concerns are valid. She even said I can call the answering service on the weekends when they are closed and they will get in touch with her.
That is such a relief to hear. After being treated as if my concerns where nothing or that I'm overreacting or being told things are fine when i know they werent and then losing babies because I felt no one listened, have Dr. V is such a relief.

So after talking she asked if I wanted to come again in 2wks or did I think I could make it 4. I told her that I think i can make it 4, but if i can't i'd call or just come in ;O)

So my next appointment with her is Nov 4 and my next appointment with Dr. S is Nov 23 but not sure if i can make it that long before seeing her, so that may change.

all in all I am thankful to be right were I am.

and on a totally off topic happy note:
I got 4 pair of shoes for under 200 bucks ;O) score 1 or 4 for me!

2011-10-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

Geesh I am really slacking on the blogging. But as of now I have no energy to do much of anything at the moment ;O)

Anywho first off the appointment with my MFM went well. She said everything looks good cerclage cervix and baby. Baby was measuring at 8wk2days which to me is ahead about a week of what I thought I was (by my calculations lol) and had a heartbeat of 160. I don't have to see her again until november (which will be the scary weeks of this pregncancy, well okay not will , but maybe) but as I get into double digits with this pregnancy I may try and get in earlier. However I do get to go friday to my ob which is great because I will get to see butterbean again hopefully with a regular u/s and not the wand ;O/.

In other thoughts:
I've been thinking wether or not to chronicle this pregnancy in a different blog. As of now I'm leaning into keeping it on this blog. I know that there are many on this journey that are still waiting for their rainbows and that my updating may be hard to read, but I also think of the fact that this is apart of my journey. Where I am now and where I'm going is a part of where I've been and I believe it is all apart of a great testimony of what I believe my life will be and not to mention that I'm not even halfway to my rainbow yet (though yes I'm choosing to believe I will get there). But this is still apart of the journey. I'm thinking of maybe just changing the blog name but I havent really figured out a name yet if I do decide to change it. But we shall see.

Appointment #1

2011-09-23T14:22:00.000-07:00

So I had my first appointment today with a new ob. I must say I absolutely Love Love Love her! She is so very caring and understanding and informative and listens to me and has a plan for me and just makes me feel confident in her.

The appointment went well I got to see my lil dot. I held my breath for the longest time. I was just so nervous but excited at the same time. But I was so happy to see that all is well and I'm just praying that I can continue to rest in God's peace.

So as of today we are 7wks 1day along.

I have an appointment wednesday with the MFM so hopefully I get to see another pic of my butterbean.

all smiles this way ;O)

2011-09-17T18:29:00.000-07:00

9-17-11

So needless to say Nausea and Fatigue have reared their ugly heads. The spitting is trying to gear but I am doing my best to keep that at bay. So I guess this is a complete turn-a-round from the previous post. But I am still thankful. Thankful that I have this opportunity again. I am still excited and have great expectation in God that he is going to allow me to take this baby home alive and healthy. I also realized that though not conscientiously, i find myself checking my undies or tissue from time to time for any spotting or sign that something is wrong. But never the less I'm still excited.

I have a whole week before my doc appointment which I am admittedly anxious for so that I can see that everything is well and hopefully have even more relief. I think then I may let the cat out of the bag to some people and not just here. hmmmmmmmmmmm not sure yet.

Bursting

2011-09-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

9-10-11

That's exactly how I feel right now. I just want to burst and tell the world, that yes I'm pregnant (again) (which is what some will probably think) But I am just so excited. I haven't even been to see the doc yet but I just want to tell everybody, and hey, who knows, this may change in the days or weeks to come. But at the very least I want to wait until I have a picture of my little bean before I open my mouth.

It's amazing to me how different this time is from the other times. With Cam, Xavien and Tristen, I was fatigued, nauseous with bloating and sore boobs (sorry if TMI) and who can forget the horrible spitting, from the beginning and I was worried to death about those pregnancies .

This time the only symptoms I have are bloating and sore boobs and I couldn't be more at ease and happy. I do find myself checking below every time i go to the bathroom or feel something funny, which I didn't even notice how much I did ( and still do ) that until the other day.

But for now I'm gonna do my best to hold on to the news until I get a pic of beanie baby b.(and b is for my last name not because I know the sex, I'm only around 4 weeks. )

I P.O.A.S............

2011-09-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

9-4-11

So this morning I P.O.A.S and............. saw the most beautiful two pink lines I'd ever want to see. Heck who am I kidding I didn't care what they looked like as a long as I saw them. But I did. Two pink lines yep! and I am so thankful. I almost slipped back into my worrying ways because one line was lighter than the other, but then I told myself I will continue to trust in God and not let one small detail ruin a happy moment for me. So God I give you the glory and I thank you for this moment!

9-6-11

Wow! I went to my primary care doctor today and guess what! again the best two lines I'd ever want to see. So it's official! I have a baby on board. And you know what else? I actually just want to scream it from the roof tops. I'm not worried (at least so far, ask me that again in about 10wks) , I'm ecstatic, I'm at a loss for words I'm THANKFUL! That God has blessed me, (okay I'm being selfish right there), my husband and I.

On another note but the same note, I had to force myself to stop peeing on sticks. Yesterday (yes i just found out yesterday) I peed on three (sorry I keep using the word pee (oops did it again) ). But today only the one at the docs office.

So next step is finding an OB which my family prac doctor recommended for me already. I already have a MFM so at least something is taken care of ;O)

So needless to say I'm all smiles this way ;O)

Who'd have thunk it!

2011-09-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

Who'd have thunk that after two and a half years I would know what it's like to be healed. and I don't mean all the pain and heart ache i have been through has been forgotten. No i mean the simple fact that I can't think about my babies and not break into a million little pieces all over again, that I can actually talk about them and not cry from sadness and hurt, that I can see anther's miracle and blessing and rejoice in what a blessing they have, even if they don't know. That I can feel and hurt with another who has lost her angel but still hold hope in my heart that no matter what or how long that there will be better for her and her family. The sheer fact that I can smile when seeing a belly that I so long to have one day, that I can still hope and dream about a future with children. I am simply amazed. Not just at myself, but at God. I mean I shouldn't be amazed at God, but the sheer fact of what he can do when you really trust him, when you really give your hurt over to him. I'm not saying that it's easy or that I didn't take any steps backwards b/c i did and still do sometimes, but it's amazing how just speaking a word of faith, or getting a word of faith from a friend can just pick you up in those down times. I am just grateful and hopeful that things are getting better. If someone would have told me any of this stuff two and a half years ago, (and some did) that things would get better I probably would have looked at you like you were crazy or just said whatever or just ignored you (which some people I did). But just to be here now is simply amazing. I have no other words for it.

I have been reading many blogs (even though for some reason blogger won't let me comment) and I see that many have gotten BFP's and many are close to giving birth to their rainbows and while I am waiting for my miracle, I am celebrating with all of you, with peace and the comfort that only God can give that I will one day get my rainbow and for that I am thankful.

1 Year in Heaven

2011-07-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

So today marks one year since you've been gone. I wish I could say the hurt is gone, but it's not. I still have nights that I can't close my eyes because all I see are our last days together. I still cry at the fact that of those 2hrs you were alive after you were born I was asleep for most of them. I still cry at the fact that I don't have you here. But I can say the pain is less. I smile at the fact that I love you so much, I sometimes smile just thinking of your sweet name, I smile at the fact that though not on this side, I will still see you again. I thank God for the lessons learned from you.

I also want to share something your Daddy wrote for you. He doesn't have a blog but he posts about you and your brother and you sister on facebook :

The loss of a child is not something you get over... It's something you get through" I miss you. Life just hasn't been the same since you've been gone, and since you've been gone, my love for you has grown; along, with the pain of loosing you, and the pain of loosing you, is something I will never get use to. I use to; cry myself to sleep at night thinking of you, and thinking of you; I still do; because I miss you

There couldn't have been better words spoken

Happy 1yr in heaven sweet boy. Eventhough you couldn't be in a safer place, I still wish you were here with me.

Do you know what today is......

2011-06-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

It's our Anniversary! For Hubby and I that is. 8 years ago today I married My soul mate. The man that showed me what it is to have someone love you just as much as you love them. He is my best friend, my lover, my confident. He is honest with me even when I don't want to hear it. He encourages me, builds me up and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing in the world inside and out. These 8yrs have not been the easiest. I must say the past three (well 2 and a half) haven't been the easiest. Your regular marriage issues that arise coupled with losing children can definately put a strain on any marriage, but I am thankful to God that we are surviving and I pray that we will have many more to celebrate but coupled with a few birthdays of living children sprinkled through out. ;O)

What better song for today than this one!

This Song Always makes me think of him!

Increments

2011-06-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

It's funny (not really but hey the only expression i can think of right now to go with this post.) how IF and baby loss affects ones life. I never could have imagined the toll it would bring on my marriage. Here we are two years since our first loss to almost a year of our third loss and new issues that I never would have thought of have come up in the last month. I am grateful that we are holding on and surviving ( I say surviving because we are still going through things)(though I imagine we always will) . I am grateful for wonderful friends who see me through and give me the extra push I need because they love me.

But most of all the thing that gets me is how we (well not everybody, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one) begin to live our lives in two week increments or the like. Like I now have 2 ovulation apps on my ipod. as if one isn't enough (I guess i needed back up, for what I don't know, but I just felt comfortable with 2) and the crazy thing is I almost had 3 but I didn't like the other one I found. I think about how this last time I got pg (with tristen) how I was online frantically looking at ovulation counters, going to the store to buy OPK's to back up the counter and stocking up on a lifetime (okay not a lifetime, more than enough) pg tests. I remember pos (os =on sticks) a few days before and a few days after what the counter said to make sure that it was right. I remember the two week wait and how anxious I was (still am even now) to POAS at the slightest sign that I could be pg. Driving myself crazy with all the what ifs. when I got the bfp, I remember living my life week by week worrying if we were gonna make it to the next.
I remember at times when we were trying and the test was negative, I remember crying myself to sleep.

And even now not much has changed, as a matter of fact I think things may have gotten worse. Even when I know there is no chance of a bfp i still find myself hoping "well maybe it is, maybe I should just check" or (because my husband works away from home) I find myself planning sex for when hubby does get home. I mean who plans specific sex (i.e when, time (sometimes how many times) best position) . A baby loss mom / some one dealing with IF, that's who! I found myself at one point planning my life around possibly, hopefully, wishingly to one day have a baby. But thankfully I've realized that I can't live like that. So I plan but I don't let TTC hold me back from my other dreams ( okay not a lot, but hey I am making progress)

But I still find myself at times living in increments.

Sorry for the babbling and it may be a little confusing but it was on my mind and I had to get it out .

Sometimes you just wanna Scream

2011-06-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmmm where to start?

Well I decided to go ahead and take the phlebotomy class. And I guess that was a good call seeing that I won't have to worry about being pregnant at the time of the class.

So today was the first day and I guess I should have been prepared seeing as how it's always the day that everyone gets to hear a little bit about the others. So of course we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. When it was my turn I didn't say much , just my name , age and how long I've been married. (I was not the first one to go)

All around me I heard names, ages, some were married and some where not, and of course I got to hear about the number of kids and some who were single parents with kids and one that was still naive and talked about how she wants kids, and then (insert SWIFT KICK in the GUT here) when she told them that the WHOLE class and I mean the WHOLE class, (of course except for me) told her how NO YOU SHOULD WAIT, and GIRL YOU DON'T WANT KIDS, and YOU'RE YOUNG GO HAVE FUN! and HOW MUCH TROUBLE THEY ARE and HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME THEY TAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now of course I know that for her some of these things are true. She is young, yes children do take a lot of your time and yes she is young. BUT, it's just the fact that I had to be in the room to hear that. The fact that if I knew i'd be going through the things I'm going through now, I don't think I would have waited for what others thought was a good age. I think I honestly would have started trying sooner. Not saying that trying now is late, but if I'd have known the gravity of ttc, the effects that loss can have on you, the fact that not everyone gets to take home a baby.

and the most mind boggling thing is how people will say they are sorry to hear what has happened to you and then go on as though you never told them anyting.

case & point
I went to lunch with a few girls I met in class (this was before the formal intro's we had to make)
and of course the questions started, "what do you" "are you married" "do you have kid's?"
So of course when it came to me yes i'm married , I don't work, two step children (of course i should have talked about my babies, but I'm still navigating on how to do that) so one girl asks " do you want kids?" Me: yes but I've had 3 losses ( of course should have been more detailed , but I just couldn't ) Them: oh sorry to hear that

So fast forward we are back at school two girls who ate lunch with me go to the bathroom, I enter in after them girl 1. I don't know if i want kids (blah blah and some other stuff) girl 2: my husband wants us to try and I'm like uh uh not while i'm in school, I mean I don't even know if i want anymore (blah blah blah) and I knw this probably shouldn't bother me, but it does I mean maybe it's my fault b/c I didn't show how much my losses affected me or I didn't show how big of a deal losing my babies were to me, I don't know. But all I do know is that I hate to hear people talk about how much of a hassle their child or children are when I so badly want to be in their place, and I think jelousy sets in when i hear those that are still able to be naievely (sp?) hopeful about pregnancy being so easy. Whatever the reason is Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

But because I've been such a downer lately I'll end on a positive note:

I had a friend tell me that right now maybe God is trying to get me to a certain place . and I'll admit at first it kind of sounded harsh to me for a split second, but with the things that are going on in my life at the moment, the may be (there is ) some truth to that.

1Cor 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

One of those Days

2011-06-08T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today is just one of those days. Well it actually started sunday when AF showed up. It may have even started before that, but we're gonna go with sunday because things weren't really getting to me until then. It's not like it wasn't expected but I guess that was just the straw that broke the camels back. I am truly happy for those that I love who have been blessed but today I am just sad for me.

I wish I had more to say, but that's it...........

I will end in saying that I am thankful to God for those he has placed to hold me up when I can't. Through everything he is yet and still and awesome God.

2011-05-11T12:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my post yesterday and I feel like though it was what I was feeling at the time, I think bits and pieces may have sounded a little whiny and somewhat selfish. I know that yes I have to look out for my feelings but I also feel like it sorta seemed like I wasn't really thinking about the God I served. There have been many instances over this past month where I thought I would lose it or find myself gettting ready to have a fit and a few hours or days later he has provided a way ( I call these my "coulda had a V8" moments) because just when I fall apart he's there puting me together and then I'm looking at myself like "drea all you had to do was wait on me" then I calm down and go about my mary way until the next thing comes up. So I am telling myself now that I will calm down and hold on because I know God is able and I just have to trust him. Katy had a great verse on her pray date blog tuesday which I'm gonna put here too because it was truly what I needed to hear.

James 1:2-4
2My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

and also another verse that I have been holding too lately that seems to bring me peace

Isaiah 61:3

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

So Lord I'm here though I may be a lil impatient at times I'm holding on as best I can and waiting on you.

2011-05-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

Short story , Long Vent.

Story: Around the end of March my sister and my niece came to stay with me so that my sister could finish school. Well she found out last month that she is pregnant. yep pregnant.

Vent: At first upon hearing the news I was okay. I don't think i fully realized what it meant for me. All I knew, all that I still know is that I want to help her so she can have a better future, a life for her and her kids, so that she can make something of herself, so that she doesn't feel like a she's a failure or doing what "everyone" told her she would do. But in knowing that I wanted to help her, I didn't take time out (at that moment) to really think about what this would do/is doing to me. For some reason I thought "hey my SIL is pg and I'm doing fine with that, but I didn't think about the fact that I'm not around her too often. But the fact is , my sister lives with me. I have to see her everyday now, I have hear about how tired she is, how sick she is and of course I'm gonna have to see that growing belly at least for 3 and a half more months. I'm beginning to think that I may not be able to handle this and I don't know what to do about it. I feel so bad for thinking about me, but I feel bad for not thinking about me. It seems that I'm the only one thinking about me. Well hubby is too, he asked me how I felt when i told him the news and I told him I didn't know. and at the time that was true because I truly didn't know. I was a mixed ball of emotions, but at the center of it I knew that I still wanted to be there for her and help her. And at the core of it I do. I just don't want to feel the way I'm beginning to feel. I'm starting to wish i would have told her when I heard the news that she will have to go back home and let my mom help her. But that's not what I want. I want her to rise above all the mean things people have told her, but now I'm at a cross roads on what to do. I mean I know I know I know in my soul that God has great things in store for me, that he will grant me the desires of my heart, that I don't have to be sad about this because my blessings are coming I know they are . without a doubt I know they are. It's just now, in this moment, I just wish............................

2years

2011-04-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today a piece of my heart grew wings and flew away. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been two years, especially when the grief sneaks up on you and makes it feel as if it's just happend minutes, hours or even days ago. Other times it feel as if you been gone even longer. But no matter how long one thing still remains. I still miss him, I still long for him, I still wish for him. I still close my eyes at times and go back to the day I held his small body. I remember how I wished so hard that you didn't have to leave me. I remember not wanting to say goodbye. But I find the comfort in now knowing that it isn't goodbye, but more of a see you later. I know that no matter how I wish you were here with me, that you are safe in the masters arms. So Happy 2 years in Heaven to my first born Camron Jaiden. Forever Loving My Angels

I smiled today because of this. I thought about how if you were here that this is what your cake would look like on your birthday, just a little bigger mess than this one. But I'd make you a cake myself every year, (i probably still will) they'd just get better because i'd go and take some baking classes and cake decorating classes. <3

2011-04-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

I was on my way home from dropping my sister at school and out of nowhere (of course leave it to grief to just sneak up on you) I began to think. It's only April and yet I find myself somewhat saddened over next month. One would think that I'd be excited seeing as how it is my birthday month, but another shadow looms over me instead. Mother's Day. I am so very happy for my kindred spirits who now get to celebrate this day with earthly angels, but I am at this moment so very sad for myself. And the funny thing is , it's not that I don't have my babies here, that bothers me the most. It's the fact that there will be people telling me "Happy Mother's Day", but it won't be for the reason I would hope they would. They will be saying it for the fact that I am a step mom. Not because I have 3 angels in heaven, not because I am a mother in a most unconventional way, Not because I gave birth. Sometimes I sit and think that , "Hey, I'll just stay in and turn off my phone, and lay in bed all day". But that wouldn't be me. My God did not give me the spirit of fear. I also know that he can work a miracle, that I can do all things through him. So what will I do? I will put on my big girl panties, and brave the day. I will even brave this moment. I will be still and know that he is God. Though tears may flow and my gets heavy, I will hold on and I will be encouraged. And of course when I need to let it out, I will come here.

2011-04-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

So I found out at the beginning of the week that the SIL is having a girl.........Yes I know I know, what's the big deal...........well I'd like to say that it makes me sad (which in a way it does), but really the green eyed monster has reared it's head, yes I'm jealous, Jealous Of the fact that even though she's had a m/c (though very early but a m/c none the less) that seems to not have affected her at all (shown by the sometimes insensitive things she's said or done). and yes I'm glad that she wasn't a big ball of depression and negativity like I once was. But to at least remember or act like she know's that pain The fact that she wanted to have a baby and she went on to have a handsome , sweet and smart little boy (let me be fair in saying that it was in fact a long while before she got pg again) The fact that she wanted another baby and got pg again. She wanted a girl, and guess what! She's having a girl! Writing this down and looking at it all seems a little bit silly. But this is the way I feel. Do I want to feel this way, no, of course not. But I do. I love my SIL with all my heart (even when she's a little nutty (for lack of a better word) ) But the fact still remains, that when I think about it at times, I am saddened and I am hurt. She's somewhat at a place I want to be (the having a baby part), and it seems that for some reason I ~~can't get to~~ , haven't gotten to yet and it sometimes leaves me wondering why not me. What do I have to do, what am I missing , when will it happen. It all just sucks. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help feeling this way. And honestly it's not just her. I have many IRL friends around me who are pg with their 2cnd and 3rd child, but I guess it's b/c she is right here in my immediate environment. I don't know. All I know is that I hate this feeling. But I'm still holding on and finding some comfort in knowing that it will one day be my turn. Hopefully this post will soon be followed by stories of hope, joy, rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops, bouncing babies and anything else that makes the heart smile ;O)

Such is this Life

2011-04-01T18:12:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since i have written and it's crazy because I have had so many thoughts , but just haven't been able to put them down. Probably because half of them weren't complete and the other half I couldn't realy explain in order to put them down (if that makes since). Lately I've been thinking about the things I want in my life and of course becoming an earthly mom is a major part of that. So much so that I'm having a somewhat hard time fitting the rest of my life into that. I would like to find at least a part time job, but I haven't worked in a year due to the times i was pg and was scared to do anything for fear of losing my baby (which of course that still happened). Then there's the fact that I want to go back to school. I want to start out with phlebotomy b/c that's only 4months , so i could get my foot in the door of the healthcare field, then while working in that field I want to go to school for nursing. It's my way of giving back. To show the kindness and caring that i wish i had gotten when I lost camron. But of course I also want to be a mommy and if when i become pg at the time of being in school that may interfere with my schooling and there's also the fact that if when I become an earthly mommy I know i won't want to leave my baby at home while i have to return to work. But then the latter I can deal with, I just really want to one day (soon have and earthly bundle of joy born from my womb)(geesh i hope that doesn't seem to harsh, but at this point that is what i truly want) I still get amazed at how much of my life this journey that I am on takes up, how it affects every facet of things I want to do, but i guess such is the life of a BLM. And even through it all I still have hope and I still know that God is doing something great in me and for me, I just sometimes wish that he'd put a rush on it. ;O/ Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Phil 4:6

2011-03-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

I did it ;O) I went to my dentist appointment yesterday, and you know what...............................

It wasn't as bad as i thought. There were know questions, or insensitive remarks............just me the dentist, his assistant and my teeth ;O).........................................

Yay me!

One small step for mankind one GIANT Leap for me!

2011-03-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

I did it! Today I made an appointment to see my dentist. I know some will come across this and wonder, "well what the heck is so great about that?". Well , the last time i was at my dentist's office i was pregnant, and not the "i have to tell everyone i'm pg type pregnant", I mean the "walk in and someone says awwwwwwe how far along type pg" (with each pregancy i began to show around 12 to 13 wks). So yes the last time i was there i was showing. matter of fact I went to them twice while i was pg with tristen ( I had another dentist with my other pregnancies). I was originally due to go for a visit to have work done around the time I would have been 5 or 6 months, but as we know I didn't make it that far and I just didn't have the nerve, strength or energy to go back. Until now. I'm thankful that they were caring, and not asking too many questions or making comments that are meant to be helpful but sometime hurt. All in all it was quick and not as bad as I had thought. So as I said above

One small step for mankind and One GIANT Leap for me!

Next up..............Actually going to the appointment. lol ;O)

4 to none

2011-03-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

4 to none.

4, the number of people who have had children in less time than i have been married and on this journey of Loss.

0, the amount of full term pregnancies that i have had since being married.

Other numbers

1, person that I know of who "Only had this baby because my husband wanted it"

Too many, is the amount of people I know that didn't get pg on purpose, weren't happy when they found out they were pg, seemed to have a basketball team of kids with no problem.

What a record right ;O(

2011-02-28T12:58:00.000-08:00

For the last few days every time i close my eyes or have a minute to think, I go back to the day that I lost Tristen. Well the days leading up to it rather. I try my best to think of other things but i just can't. I feel like he should be here with me. That something more could have been done. I'm sure that reading about others stories that are similar to mine but had a better outcome doesn't help. I read about bedrest and rescue stitches and other methods taken to help others bring home their miricles and it just makes me feel like more could have been done for me. I beat myself up because maybe I should have done more, asked more, demanded more. But I didn't . My body failed me and I failed him. Yes I was alone and scared and panicked and worried , but even still maybe instead I should have been angry, at least angry enough to demand they go in and dos something rather than ask. Maybe that would have gotten results maybe I would have him here with me today. But I don't. I miss him and I wish he were here, but he's not and I can't seem to shake the feeling that he should be. That all my babies should be. Of course they could'nt all be here at the same time, but That camron should be a toddler, xavien and baby and tristen on the way. Of course this would probably be a whole different blog also.

A friend in need

2011-02-08T20:20:00.000-08:00

Hello my bloggy friends,
tonight i come to you asking for prayers for my hubby's co-worker and friend L and his wife E. She is in the hospital and is very ill. I am going to post part of the email that he recieved explaining her condition. Of course the whole names have been taken out and some of the email has, but i just wanted to give an idea of what they are going through.

"they diagnosed her as having
Sarcoid Lung Disease with the pneumonia on top of it. Anyway, in less than
48 hours E was treated with proper medications, life support tubes
removed, and able to talk a little. She had lost over 50% mobility in her
left arm and can not stand at all and throat extremely sore, arms totally
bruised from top to bottom. Dr have put her into in-patience rehabilitation
until she can learn to walk again and use of arms return to normal, or as
close to normal as can be. This has been quite an ordeal, but not out of
the woods yet - still on oxygen, taking multiple meds, and trying to learn
to walk again. actual extent of therapy is unknown as her oxygen levels drop quickly when
she tries to move, so can not give any return date at this time - possible
7-10 days will have a better idea. Right now she can not get out of bed on
her own and both hands very shakey. I have been sleeping at the hosp with
E as this is all very scary to her (and me)."

They were there for hubby and I when we lost each of our babies and I just want to be there for them. I know that I have some prayer warriors out there so if you would just please lift them up in prayer. Thank you all so very much.

2011-02-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

If anyone would have told me that this would be my life today, I would'nt have believed them. I remember when i was young having so many dreams and even when some of those dreams didn't come true I forged on and took a new path. But this journey, this journey of loss and grief is a whole different thing. I hate this pain, this grief which is just so heavy. This grief that just when I think I've handed the last of it over to God, swoops in and squeezes me with sorrow. There is no new path to take, no new turn to go down, no oppostie way to run. I can't close my eyes and blink away the pain, I can turn around and go another way, I can't find something to occupy me until something else comes along, I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can only be in it. I can only deal with it. I can only live it. I can only do my best and try and give away the pain while holding on to the good that came of such heartwrenching times in my life.

But today unfortunately is not one of those days. Not one of those moments. I can't remember the good without remembering the bad and what i lost and what i want and need so desperately. Today I feel i need my babies like i need air.

While I am ecstatic and excited and happy for others, today I am just extremely sad for me.

Loving My Angels

What a Wonderful Weekend

2011-02-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

Yes I know the weekend is over but i had a good time and I wanted to post about something happy. So here it is. My mom , sis and niece came down this weekend. We didn't do much but it was just fun being together. I don't even really have much to post but just wanted to share some of my fam with the blogosphere. lol

This is my niece Alixxiya (yes her mom just had to be different with spelling her name. LOL) This is the lil pumkin i wrote about in this post , which was one of the most bitter sweet days of my life. but I love her to death and it's crazy how she gives me so much joy.

This is my sister ( yes we are goof balls when we get together), (alixxiya's mom). I love her so much. She and I spent the weekend playing games on my xbox Kinect. (yes i play video games. lol, but playing with the kinect is like fun and exercise all rolled into one, we were seriously sore the next day.)

and this is my mom. I love her so much and was soooooooooo happy to see her this weekend. (posing in the parking lot after church)

And this is the three of us in the parking lot clowining after church. My mom is just as silly as we are sometimes.

Again it was a wonderful weekend.

Loving My Angels

Jealous

2011-01-26T19:35:00.001-08:00

Hello My Name is Shandrea.......... and i'm Jealous
of those who aren't scarred, marred and jaded by the grief from losing a child
of those who have no doubt that they will bring home a baby at the end of nine months
of those who at the sign of a positive HPT can began to think of baby names
of those who can dream of baby showers before the 3rd trimester
of those who don't live there pregnancies by milestones
of those who can use the phrase "when i was pregnant"
of those who actually get to take home their baby!
Yes I'm Jealous and it SUCKS!
I don't want to be this way. I put all my strength in thinking on the good things and all that I do have. But sometimes the feeling creeps in and it SUCKS because even with these ill feelings that sometimes get in the way, I still have HOPE and I know that one day my time will come. I still have FAITH and know that God will NEVER LEAVE me or FORSAKE me. But yet these feelings sometime creep in and it SUCKS!

A Dream

2011-01-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

Today (yes today, I'd decided to take a nap rather than finish cleaning my house) I had a dream that I was 17wks pg. My doctor told me everything looked good and that i can come back next week to make sure everything was still fine. I remember her wanting me to come like a Wednesday but i wanted to come on a Monday because coming on wed would put me at 18wks 3 days and i could not risk coming in too late and something happening,so she did me one better and told me i could come in on Saturday (I know awesome dream right) from there i somehow ended up at home on the phone with Andrea (yes you my fab friend) and wanting to tell her the news but for some reason i couldn't get the words out ( and we know that wouldn't happen, lol). She was in Africa with hubby (i don't know why lol, but hey it's a dream ) and she was upset with him because he didn't want to go out on any safari's or do any of the things she wanted, so i was trying to give her advice on getting him to understand her side of things and from there trying to convince her that if he didn't listen she should come back to the states and hang out with me (lol). I can't remember what happened after that . But i remember wishing that the dream was real, well the being pg part. And though i know AF has come and gone because of this dream i have the urge to .............................POAS! (sounds crazy i know)

I've also been awarded by to lovely ladies and Once i get to my big computer i will post that. but I just wanted to thank Trena and AHB for thinking of me ;O)

Loving My Angels

Feelings

2011-01-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

Some Days I feel like this:

Optimistic with a few dips and trips but I get back up and trudge on. All in all a lovely day or days or weeks or however long it lasts.

Then there are days when i feel like this:

These are days or moments when i don't even know if you could call it feeling. It's more like i am just here going along for the ride with whatever happens and however i react is how i react. Not good, not bad but just simply here moving forward as best i can.

Then there are days like these:

Where no matter how hard you try, life just plain sucks at that moment or particular time. It seems that you just can't see the positve in anything, heartaching memories seem to take over and you are just stuck in a downward motion and it seems as if nothing can pick you up.

And just when I think this is the hardes state to be in I have (well used to have) days like this:

Yep, I feel like scribble scrabble. I don't even know how to describe this feeling except by this picture. Theres no one direction, up or down, forward are backward good or bad. It's everything. Jumbled. Almost like i'm just on the verge of losing my mind or have already lost it.

This journey of baby loss never ceases to amaze me. It's a journey of so many twists and turns and dips. When i go back through some of my posts, one would think that I have lost my mind. It's like one day i'm up and the next is somewhere else on a whole different level. But I can say that I have realized that it is what it is. I have to allow myself to feel what i feel when i feel it and however I feel it. It doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't make me selfish, it doesn't make me a crybaby or pitiful. But it makes me. This journey makes me into a whole new person. A stronger person, never in a million years did i think that i'd be able to still stand through the loss of my children, never would i have thought that through it all i'd still have my faith. Never would i have thought that i could love as deeply as i have, as i do. Never would i have thought that i could give back the love that has so graciously been given to me, or support those who are anxiously awaiting their rainbows. But I do , and I am. I know that I will never be the old me. But I also know that I am a better me and though I wish that I could have my angels here with me, I also hold on to the fact that I would never be the me i am now without them. So yes I will have days like those pictured above, but I am thankful that the confusing and hard days now are few and far between. I am thankful that i can remember my babies with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. I am thankful that i can still praise God for them, that I know one day i will see them again and that I will soon here on this earth get my expected end.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...............Rom 8:18

Loving My Angels

I did it!...........Twice!

2011-01-13T14:08:00.000-08:00

IHOP! I went and ate at IHOP and if you are new to reading my blog then you may be wondering what in the heck is the big deal. Well I wrote this post a while back after losing Xavien.

But again as i said, i did it. I actually went inside and ate at an IHOP twice. And when i think about it the crazy thing is the first time i went back was on thanksgiving with the same people i'd went with when I mc xavien. My sis, my mom and my grandma and an extra edition this time my niece lexxi. I meant to blog about this a long time ago but don't know why i didn't . Anywho, i actually stepped foot on the property without breaking down into a blubbering mess. When my grandma asked me if i wanted to go my eyes didn't well up with tears. I took a deep breath before i entered but the feeling of gloom and not being able to breath didn't come. i actually had a good time. I smiled and I talked and I ate.

And a about a week or two ago, I did it again. Only this time it was with my SIL. Again there was no heaviness, no panick, no fear. I was just okay. I was fine, I was........................at peace and i actually had a good time. Yes i still think about the events of that day in nov of 09 and i forever will , but i can smile in knowing that i'm still going i'm still moving, i'm still living and of course

Loving My Angels.

God is Good!

there is still hope ;O)

2011-01-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

Yes I'm back again. Two posts in one day, i must really be feeling some things. But at least this time i am back feeling better than i was earlier and since i wrote about the sad i feel i need to write about when i'm better. I first want to thank everyone for the love and the prayers. They certainly have helped. It's funny , just when you think you've arrived , life has a way of showing you where you really are. And that's okay with me. I'm glad that i fell off track for a moment, it allowed me to think and to process things. and now i see. Yes i still hurt, yes there are times that i will still be sad, sadder than most even. But as i have said before and I will say again, I have hope. I have the promises God has made to me. I have the love and the words that he has given me. I have again HOPE! and as long as i hold on to that i will be just fine. I may cry , kick and scream, but i will still keep my hope. I will do my best and keep my mind stayed of Him. Let him hold me in his arms, welcome the comfort and love that He sends my way and just remember the promises he made. Geesh God is good. Even when i cant see how at the moment, he is still good to me. So i will be good to me too. I will take it one day at a time, focus on me and do the best that i can and when i can't ask him for help, all the while i will still HOPE.

Loving My Angels

On The Sidelines

2011-01-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

That's exactly how i feel right now. Right at this moment. As if i am on the sidelines watching everyone else. Wondering if i will ever get my turn. It seems as there are so many in the game at this moment. and then there is me. Just watching everybody else pass me by. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for all of my BLM's and even some who are not. And no it's not fair that I cry for myself when i hear of others who have been blessed with what i want so much, but it's when I know their stories and or circumstances that it makes me hurt. It makes me wonder, why them and not me! Today my SIL (#2) called to let me know that she is pg . She said she wanted to tell me b/c she didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. I greatly appreciate that about her, but it still doesn't stop my heart from hurting. I love her dearly , but it still hurts. Here I sit with a husband and a home full of room for babies, but yet it's still just him and I and my step kids when they stay over. and not to put her business out I will just say that she is going through some things. And though she is I will say that it was known that she wanted another baby (she has a son already). I guess at the moment I am just jealous and I know that isn't of God, but right now at this moment I just don't get it. I hurt and i wish I didn't . I wish i could be happy and give her the support that she is going to need without feeling that way I feel, but I just don't know how right now and I really really want to.

Lord I hope this isn't a test, because if so i am failing miserably at this moment.

Loving my Angels

The waiting room

2011-01-05T09:37:00.001-08:00

So today AF has appeared. I wish I could say that I am okay with that, but truth be told, i'm a little bumbed about it. Eventhough I know that this may be a good thing, maybe my body still needs time to heal or maybe this just isn't the time for me. But I am still a little sad about it. I want to cry but the tears won't come, I want to shrug it off but I can't do that either. But one thing i do know is that a prayer has been answered. I talked to God and told him that yes i'd like a BFP but if it's not the time then it's not the time. Yes I'd be a bit sad, (and i'm actually a little more down than i thought i'd be) but I wanted it to be in his timing. So I've gotten my answer. Which when i think about it may very well be the best one. Hubby and I talked the other morning and he let me know that he is still hurting, he still feels some sadness and just plain old wants his son back. He doesn't want to go through that heartbreak again. Yes he still wants children but he is still hurt over this past year and a half. He told me that each time he has lost a piece of himself. So in typing this and seeing what was actually said, maybe it just isn't the time for us yet. So I am yet again in the waiting room, holding to hope and as marie says an "expected end"

Loving My Angels

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T17:00:00.000-08:00

Had this been 2009 this post would have had a much different title which would have read something like
"So Long 2009" or "Sayonara 2009"
But it is not. I am saying Goodbye to 2010, which is such a profoundly similar yet different year than 2009. Last year was a year of a little bit of hope but then new found heartbreak. My soul was shattered not once but twice. For a moment i thought I'd lost myself. But i said goodbye to that year with the hope of a much better time in 2010. And at first it started off better, i had a renewed since of hope, i was blessed once again to carry a beautiful little boy who we named Tristen. But yet a familiar thing happened, he wasn't meant to stay long. Again I was shattered, torn and heartbroken, but it wasn't the same as the last 2 times. Yes it hurt, no i didn't understand any of it, but! in all my despair and anguish buried deep down underneath it all, I still had hope. I may not have been sure whether i was coming of going for a moment but i still had hope. I've even gotten to know God on a deep level than I had before. I still have my faith and i still hold strong to hope. Yes 2010 was bittersweet, but i am thankful for the lessons that i have learned. I am confident in knowing that God has prepared me for greater in 2011. And yes I still may falter at times, But! I can say that i will trust in Him. I pray that 2011 holds many great things for all of my kindred spirits. and though we enter a new year i will

Forever Love My Angels

Wishing you all a beautiful peaceful New Year!

Tricked Myself

2010-12-29T19:42:00.000-08:00

I think for a moment I'd tricked myself into thinking that if AF came next month then i'd be okay with that. But as the time nears i'm caught in between. Part of me wants to see a BFP asap and part of me is thinking that i should wait a bit. There's that word again, that word that i cannot stand but can't seem to avoid b/c of course in this new normal that seems to be one of the only sure choices i have is to........WAIT, not matter how long or short the wait is. But i am not sure if it is because some around me IRL think that i should wait or that i maybe once felt that I should. Any who, all i know now is that as it nears time for AF to appear I am more and more of a ball of mixed emotions. But i am thankful that God is my source. I know that whatever happens he is with me. I was reassured of it in sunday school as we studied these verses:

Isaiah 43

1But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall flame kindle upon thee. 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

and yes he was talking to Egypt at the time, but to know that promises of God and to know that as he was there for them and with them that he is here for me and with me. So as I'm on this momentary dip of this ratchet rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to let me off I will still hope in He who strengthens me and snuggle in the comfort of knowing that He is with me.

All things are A-Go ;O)

2010-12-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

My follow up on Thursday went great. Dr. G said the surgery went well. He was very happy with how things went. He said the only thing for him was that it took him longer a little longer because he had a hard time getting the knot tied, to which i then replied "but you got it tied right". to which he answered yes ;o) He also said that everything looked good and all that is left is for me to get pg and follow up with my doc:o) So basically all things are a-go !

Loving My Angels

Cherry on Top

2010-12-13T14:49:00.001-08:00

Today I got a pleasant surprise from Annie over at cradlesand graves. She has given me the cherry on top award so I am now taking a moment (well more than a moment )to choose 5 to pass it on to. Thank you so much Annie ;o)

So here are my 5 ;O)

1. CGD over at adventures in infertility land.
2. Debby at for your tears
3. Jamie at forget me not oh lord
4. Trena over at free to fly
5. Andrea at life love and the pursuit of our fairytale
6. Deni over at foxy troxies

okay i know it's more than five but it's so hard to choose ;O) But of course i love you all ;o)

Loving My Angels

2010-12-11T13:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I arrived at the hospital 5min early, which is truly a feat for me. But i guess i have to say thanks to my SIL E who brought me, b/c had it just been me i probably would have been 5min after. I was then checked in and asked to fill out a little bit of paper work which didn't take long at all. And the best part of all, i didn't have to pay anything at all upfront. (woo hoo for hubby's insurance, lol) I was then sent up for pre-op where i had a lovely outfit waiting for me. a light purple hospital gown, white cap and purple footies ( the socks were actually cute). then a little more paper work and my SIL was allowed to come up while i talked with the nurses and met the anesthesiologist and then waited for Dr.G. Once he came he explained what would happen and what he would do. Once he left i was given some medicine to help me relax and then wheeled toward the operating room, but then had to be wheeled back for a second b/c they were waiting on something and that is the last thing i remember. LoL. When i woke up i was back in the room i had been in earlier wondering when they were gonna take me back for the procedure,. finally my SIL and friend from church came back up and let me know that I was done. Talk about clueless. I thought i was still waiting and I'd been done all along. It was 11 a.m and here i thought i had even had the surgery yet. I didn't get to talk to Dr. G but my SIL had talked to him and told her that the surgery went well. It only took 45min but that it only took that long because he was having a hard time getting in and tying they knot. But he assured her that he got it. She even said that he was more excited about it than us. She said he was telling her how he couldn't wait to do more. So i was then taken home around 1something. I returned a few calls and texts and mostly slept the the rest of the day. I was rather sore had a little bit of pain but taking alieve seems to help. He gave me a prescription for vicodin but i absolutely hate the way it makes me feel. I am feeling better today. I am still sore but not hurting like i was yesterday. I've been walking a bit around the house. I was told that would help a lot. I go in on Thursday for a followup with Dr. G and will have more details (from my view anyway) then. I want to thank you all for your prayers, e-mails, texts and calls. and i certainly want to thank and praise God b/c i couldn't have gone through it without him. I thank him for being in the operating room with me and guiding the doctors hands. He is truly an awesome God.

here are a couple of pics.

Incision sights (there are 4) (sorry if TMI) My TAC was done laproscopically rather than the traditional .

My socks ;o) (sorry didn't get a pic of the gown, but it wasn't as cute anyway)

Loving My Angels

2010-12-09T13:11:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd take a little time out to update what's been going on with me. I mean it's only the right thing to do seeing as how i want to remember this journey so I can look back during the brighter days and have a record of where God has brought me from. Well you all remember me posting about my consult (if not hit the link) with Dr. S. Well she did talk to her colleagues and I ended up meeting with one of them Nov 15. I call him Dr. G. It actually went well and I was glad that i met with him. He was very polite and showed much concern for me. First he came in and introduced himself, asked me a bit about my history. He then actually did a full exam. Then he came back in and we talked. He told me a bit (well a lot actually , lol about himself) then answered some questions i had before I even asked them. so here's the summary

He believes i am good candidate for the TAC (of course right ;O) )
He is a Ob/Gyn practicing for 31yrs but he is also the lead laproscopic surgeon for Baylor medical college (it's a hospital)
The only thing is I would be the first laproscopic TAC he has done.
That being said, in explaining to me , he seems to really know what he is doing.
He has done numerous TVC (trans vaginal cerclages)
He has also done many hysterectomy's laproscopically as well as many other surgeries.
He walked me through what he would do but also explained to me why other doctors like to do it the traditional way
The TAC will be placed around the top of my cervix and not through it (this it to prevent possible tearing of my cervix)
The operation is a in and out procedure with a 3day recovery.
once recovered if i wanted we could start trying right away.
He believes with the TAC i can make it to full term and should anything arise the earliest i would have to deliver is between 32 and 36wks, but he believes i should be able to make it to 39 to 40wks (he said 39 because i can opt to schedule my c-section at 39wks if i want)

All in all i trust that he knows what he is doing. I took yesterday and today to talk to hubby and think about it more and i still feel the same.

Dr. G told me that i could schedule the surgery as soon as i felt ready it's just up to me.

So with that being said and I know I've waited like a super long time to let it out (but i had to hold on to it for me, i just needed to wait)
After much thinking and talking and praying I went in for pre-op labs on Monday 12-6-2010 and i will be having my surgery tomorrow.
12-10-2010

I will be updating on it more either tomorrow (depending on how i am feeling ) or Saturday.

Drifting Between

2010-12-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

Drifting between hope and............hmmm what's the word............i'll just say finding it hard to hope sometimes. It seems some days, well some moments I am just filled with so much hope, I have so many thoughts and dreams about the futrure about the things to come, and then out of nowhere come the if's , what if's and will it happen's arrive. It all gets very very tiresome sometimes. I don't want the negative but it just sometimes get's sooooooooooo hard to hold on to the positive. I see and read so many stories of hope and evidence that it can happen, but it sometimes leaves thoughts of "will it happen for me" or "when will it happen for me". I truly truly hate feeling this way, but sometimes these feeling just come and it sucks because I truly truly believe that i will get my turn , i guess it's just the waiting that sucks and the thinking that comes along with the waiting, which most of the time starts out with hope but then comes the scaredness to hope b/c i think that sometimes deep down i feel if i expect the worst the good will be that much better. geesh who knows?

Philippians6-7 says
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This scripture i seem to cling to with my very being. I pray to God everyday, I thank him for all that i ask and yes he does bring me peace, but again sometimes the thoughts creep in and i'm back in the middle not only drifting between but sometimes stuck between. and i wish i had a better word for the opposite of hope that i'm feeling. I don't want to use fear, b/c that's not it, it's I guess just maybe a kind of uncertainty about what's next. I don't know. I can say that i have been taking steps forward in order to have that future that i so hope for and i will post about it soon, but for now i will end my rambling for today and do my best to push more toward hope.

Loving My Angels

2 B's

2010-12-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

The two B's. Baby talk and Baby showers. hmmmmmmmmm where to begin..........i guess i will start with baby talk. Sometimes i think that i've put on such a good face around others that they think that it doesn't bother me at all. Now i will admit that yes i can hear some for a certain amount of time, but it just seems like lately everyone wants to pull out pictures of babies or talk about the sheer adorableness of babies, and yes i like to hope and reminisce from time to time, but.... there are times that no i may not be in a place to handle it. And as i said, maybe i've just put on too good a face lately, and even i will admit that yes at times i've said aloud my hopes for the future and have even been able to point out cute things that i hope to purchase and maybe i've done such a good job at being optimistic that i've fooled even myself! ha! but perhaps i will never know. but enough of random ramblings on this subject on to the next B (ha ha almost seems like i'm cursing (he he) )

Baby Showers! Yes, I know that there are some of you out there with rainbows who struggle with the decision on when to have one or if you will even have one at all. Such a hard and scary decision. And even now i wonder to myself if i ever will, and then there's a part of me that know I definately will! it may not be until my 31 or 36th week, but should i get my rainbow i know deep down that yes I will have one. Then there's the other some of us who struggle with if we can handle going to a baby shower. I have been invited to a couple within november and i have sort of just brushed them to the back of my mind, but here it is december and they are fast approaching and they are back at the forefront, so the now question is what to do, what to say, how to decline. I've talked (well texted) to one friend and told her that maybe i could just help decorate and probably not stay for the shower or I'd bring my gift before it got started (hey shopping for a gift is a step in itself) and i am thankful that she understands and I guess i could say the same to the other friend hmmmmmmmmmmmmm we shall see. How do you deal with the 2 B's.

Loving My Angels

What's Yours Wednesday

2010-12-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

When i was little McDonald's used to be my favorite fastfood place to eat. Nuggets and fries were my favorite, but when i got older ( probably like highschool) I fell in love with another place. Chic-fil-a! Yes it is absolutley my favorite fast food place to grab a bite. I remember when hubby and i were in the process of buying our house I had to go to the bank and have statements printed off and the banker was like "you really like chic-fil-a " . I ablsolutely love them. It's the only place that no matter what city i am in they are always quick, kind and courteous (except for on place, but that one is no longer open) . And i also respect the fact that they are closed on sundays and that no matter how many people are there the service is always quick! Not to mention their waffle fries are awesome. I could probably go on and on about them but i'm going to keep this post short. So now you know my favorite fastfood place, What's Yours?

Loving my Angels

Xavien

2010-11-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

One year ago today an angel grew wings much too soon for her daddy and me. A year ago today my heart was broken for the second time. A year ago today I held a sweet angels tiny body in my hands. A year ago today I cried until i thought i had no tears left, and then cried some more. A year ago today another piece of my heart went to heaven. But, today i give God thanks for you. I thank him for sending a special blessing in my life. Today i thank him because though i don't understand it I know that through the pain is a rainbow of blessings i won't have room enough to recieve. Today I thank him for allowing me peace in knowing that you are loved there more than i can imagine loving you here (and believe me i love you alot!) Today I am thankful that i will one day see you again. I am blowing kisses to heaven, sending my love on a prayer and remembering you, my sweet beautiful baby girl. You will always be my first girl, my second child, beloved and never forgotten. I will hold you in my heart forever

HAPPY ONE YEAR IN HEAVEN Xavien

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY!

Loving my Angels

I want that.......................

2010-11-22T19:55:00.001-08:00

I know it probably has been stated quite a bit through out my blog, and I know that i am not the only one feeling this way, but tonight i just need to put it out there once more

I want to know the feeling of making it past 19wks................................
I want to feel the joy of finding out the gender of my baby because i will be preparing to say hello and not goodbye....................
I want to know the joy of feeling him/her kick for the first time and be able to look forward to many more............................................
I want to smile b/c i've reached the milestone of 24wks...............................................................
I want to see my inny(sp?) become and outty...............................................................................
I want my hubby to rub my belly.......................................................................
I want to smile because i've reached 28wks..................................................................................
I want to shop for cribs, and diaper bags and car seats..........................................
I want a baby shower..........................................................................
I want pictures of my bare belly......................................................................................
I want the excitement of getting ready to see my baby for the first time b/c I know that this time he /she is coming home with me....................................................................................
I want the tearful joy of hearing their first cry................................................................................
I want the joy of holding them for the first time as they squeeze my finger....................................
I want to see the joy in my husbands face b/c we have a blessing created in love...............................
I want the sweetness of holding him/her against my chest as i rock him/her to sleep.................
I want to hear first words and see first steps......................................................................
I want 1st and 2cnd and 3rd and more birthdays.....................................................................
I want the terrible two's and tempertantrums and potty training and sleepless nights and diaper changes and bottle feedings and lulliby's.......................................................................................
I want all of that................................................................................
and i can't wait for the day (okay well I can, b/c technically I have no choice, but still..................)

Loving My Angels

A little catching up

2010-11-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

Lets see................where to begin. I think i will get the somewhat gloomy out the way first. Well this month will be a heavy month for me. Wait you know what i take that back, God has been working on me and given me such a peaceful spirit that I don't even understand it. But that is what he said he'd do right so I shouldn't be too surprised right;

philippians 4: 6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

But i am. Well i guess not surprised, but more amazed. I mean yes I know in my heart that God can do it, but when it's actually happening to you, it's a real eye opener (sp?) to how sovereign our God really is.

Okay let me get into the story so you can know what i mean. This month i should be a babbling mess. The 26th will mark my sweet baby girl Xavien's 1yr in heaven and then the day after that is Tristen's due date. And let me say I was truly dreading this month. But yet here i am. in one piece, at peace. Getting ready to go to my moms for the holiday. Having to look at my niece who was born 3months after cameron's due date. But i can truly sit here and say that i am okay. Yes I may shed some tears. Yes I'm going to light a candle and remember my sweet baby girl. Yes i will reflect on the fact that i should be getting ready for Tristens arrival, I'm doing that now, but i do it with a peace in my heart that I know can only be from God. He is truly an awesome God and I don't want to know where i'd be without him. I am truly thankful. For the people that he has put in my life to help me through. I am truly gratefu. For his love, for his guidence, for positive thinking, for the new things he has done and is doing in me I am truly thankful

I even stand bold on tonight and thank him in advance for successful pregnancies! (yes plural did you catch that ;o) I am believing that it will happen and not just for me, but i am hoping and believing for the hopeless as well. Don't worry if you're tired, just rest because i am believing.
Wow I guess taking time off has done me some good. God is good!

I think i am gonna stop here because if keep going it's gonna be a super long post ;O) good night all

Loving My Angels

Hello Blogosphere!

2010-11-15T16:59:00.000-08:00

Hello Blogosphere!

Did you miss me! As you probably figured i'd taken a break from the wonderful world of blogging. A much needed break but I have really missed you. I've been catching up for the past couple of weeks, reading other blogs. Geesh it seems like I have missed so much. I'm sure i have because a lot has gone on and still going on with me since i last posted which most i will be writting up soon. Know that I've been thinking of and praying for all of you. Lots of Love ;O)

Loving My Angels

Tv

2010-10-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight as I sat and got ready to watch one of my favorite shows "Greys Anatomy" I began to get a little weary b/c the previews showed derek and merideth visiting a doctor to talk about fertility. and i noticed that i i'm weary of this about any shows that have anything to do with fertiltity or babies. But then i as i began to watch, i began to think and wonder how many others are there out there that have a hard time watching this show? Not b/c they are BLM's but because they are dealing with an issue that someone else has. This is a show about a hospital (well the people in it) and until now it didn't hit me that eventhough this is a tv show they are dealing with real issues. Eventhough some situations in the show are far fetched, the reality is that somewhere someone is dealing with some of these issues. Heck i'm sure that some of the storylines are taken from headlines. So I wander how many sit in tears as they watch b/c they or someone they know has the exact same issue as a patient on the show, or turns to another channel when a certain scene comes up or tourture themselves b/c they think they've moved on and are strong enough to watch it again. Or how many can't even watch this or other shows at all. I wonder do other situations affect others in this way? if they affect others in this way?

I remember being so happy when discovery health announce that they were having baby week. That all week long they would be showing nothing but baby show's. I was pg with Tristen at the time and though I still miss Camron and Xavien but i thought "I could get through it b/c it would be something that Tristen and I could share" but a week before it was to start, I lost tristen and again i found myself not being able to watch many of the show's i loved before i even thought about having children.

Oh how i miss birth day, and baby story and bringing home baby, and make room for baby, and i didn't know i was pregnant. Shows that I loved long before loss, shows that i still love but can't watch;o(
But I still have hope that i will some day bring home my own beautiful rainbow, i will hope that i will oneday have the strength to watch them again.

and whada'ya know there was only one scene talking about fertility. hmmmmmmm

Loving My Angels

Jersey-fied

2010-10-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

I thought i'd take from brie's monday post . Though i don't watch all the jersey show's i figured it would still be fun to do so like brie i went here and became a jersey girl for a few minutes

Gorgeous I know right ;o) LoL

I hope it made you laug. it certainly made me laugh ;o) Happy Tuesday all ;O)

Loving My Angels

Consult

2010-10-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

So today i went for my consult with Dr. S. ( the MFM doctor that i found and was able to fit me in sooner than the other one i had found.) I am very happy that i went. The appointment went very well. I got a bit upset because i left my questions in the car (and i had to park waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay away from the actual building that i had to go into) but it was okay b/c she ended up answering most of the questions anyway.

1. She said that she wouldn't do a cerclage before hand b/c it would increase the risk of infection (seeing as how we don't know when i would actually become pg)

2.She said she believes that i can have a successful pregnancy with a cerclage. (she would do a shidokar stitch instead of a mcdonald. not much difference it's just that one is placed a little higher than the other and it takes just a little longer to do)

3.I would be monitored at least every other week/two weeks. If during any of those checkups my stitch has shortened or it looks as if the stitch has loosened , she would go in and put another stitch/rescue stitch. (She believes in my case that the stitch had loosened enough to allow the baby to come through. of course she can't say for sure b/c she was not my doctor at the time)

4. She also feels that i don't need the TAC. She only does those in cases where there is no cervix to work with. (she strongly feels that i can have a successful pregnancy with a vaginal cerclage, close monitoring and some bedrest.

She has had successful cases of previous m/c /failed cerclage and then a successful pregnancy so that gives me hope.

I'm sure that there are things that i'm leaving out but just can't recall right now but what i have if the most important stuff. I'm just happy that i can breathe a little better knowing that i have some hope. I think i might even dare to dream again.;O)

Thank you Lord for some good news;O)

Loving My Angels

Made my Day ;O)

2010-10-08T18:35:00.001-07:00

I don't know where to begin except to say that God is good. He surrounds me with those that i need when i need them. and though IRL there arent many, but just enough. Today I got to have lunch with one of the most sweet, real, loving and sincere people i have met since losing my babies. Today I got to have lunch with Katy's aunt. She first messaged me on facebook and let me know that she follows my blog and that she prays for me (she even sent me a message praying for me), she checks in on me and then last week we talked about having lunch but we both had a pretty full week so we decided on this friday to do it. I am so happy that i was able to meet her. It was the best time that i have had in a while. A time where i felt like it was okay to bring up being in the hospital, knowing that i could talk to her about my babies and not ruin her day. It was lovely. I truly have no words to describe my lunch with her. If you were looking from the outside you would never have thought today was my first day meeting her. She has such a big heart. To finally sit and be able to talk to someone who simply gets it, was so refreshing. I don't even have the words to describe it, but i did know that i had to take time out and just thank God for putting her in my life and Crystal I thank you for becoming a part of my life.

Loving My Angels

What's Your's Wednesday!

2010-10-06T12:52:00.001-07:00

So while i'm having an up moment, I decided to take a break from the normal gloom that seemed to be looming about in my blogs lately and do something different. ( i've realized that i can still talk about my angels , but also talking about other things makes this blog no less dedicated to them. I will still love them no matter what i talk about) And came up with What's your's wednesdays. I figured it's a way to get to know my beautiful ladies out in the blogosphere and let you know a little bit about me. I probably won't do it every wednesday, it will more likely be the wednesdays that it strikes me. So today we will start with movies. My husband and I are big movie buffs (sp?) and we have a large collection. Sometimes we get a certain movie b/c we have part 1 so we have to have the sequals to make the collection complete (even if we don't watch the sequal) lol. Sometimes we get movies and only watch it that one time. and out of all the movies we have I tend to watch the same few over and over again. My all time favorite movies are Dirty Dancing ( I fell in love with patrick swayze(R.I.P) the first time i saw it), Grease 1, School Daze , Chicago, Low Down Dirty Shame and FAME (the latest version not the original). So these are my favorite movies(a lot of favorites i know ;O) ). WHAT'S YOUR'S ;O)

Loving My Angels

Wrapped up

2010-10-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like i'm just wrapped up in myself a little too much. and i truly don't mean to be at all. But it seems like (or at least feels like ) life has dumped a lot on me these days (this past year and a half) that it's hard for me to keep up. I feel bad when i've let a few days slide in between reading blogs and then i find out i've missed and important date, or that i have date marked but i'm so wrapped up in me and the things going on that i forget. It's like i'm giving back the love that i have recieved and it kinda sucks. I still pray for everyone, sometimes in general and sometimes specific, but i just get a little upset sometimes that I sometimes forget about doing the things that i want to do. I guess it just sucks sometimes. I dont' know . this evening is just a random thought that i had to get out of my head I guess.

I've been wanting to write lately but i've been so wrapped up in me it's hard b/c i'm in one of those moments (that i seem to have often lately) where i feel a certain way but yet i don't know what it is. I'm almost feeling a million things at once yet nothing at all . ( I know makes me sound a little crazy huh) but hey, that's the way i feel right now.

But again know that I am praying and that none of you are ever far from my heart or thoughts.

Cam, Xavien and Tristen, I miss you so much right now. I wish i had better words to describe what i'm feeling but all i can come up with is that i miss you and i love you, from the depths of my soul, the bottom of my heart, with my life I love you.

Back here again

2010-09-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

After a few days of peace, and dare i say it , a little bit of happiness. The sadness is back and it sucks. it started yesterday when i found out i'm gonna have to wait a little longer than i wanted before i can start school. and i know i know it's nothing major, that at least i will still get to go, just not when i want to. But the having to wait is not why i cried. I cried b/c i went to visit the school with an expectation and unfortunately what i expected didn't happen, I cried b/c i just wanted something to go my way. This past year and a half has been nothing but heartache and i just wanted a moment of good news for me. Sometimes i feel like i ask God for too much at once but then i think he's a mighty God he's able to do exceedingly abundantly more that i can ever imagine, so the things that i ask for arent much at all. which then leads me to wandering what am i doing wrong, what am i missing, what am i not seeing. I mean i am truly thankful that he hears my prayers when I ask him to bless others. I am truly happy for them when i hear of therir good news. But i just want, no need just something good in my life. I know that good things are coming my way, I just need to them to come a little quicker i guess.

Loving My Angels

A Lovely Award;o)

2010-09-26T19:29:00.001-07:00

Today I've recieved a lovely award from a new blogger (well not really new per say, but new to me) and i must tell her that I am so very thankful that she thought of me;o)

So again i say thank you to butterflymom for thinking of me. You just don't know how much your kindness lifts my spirits ;O)

And now for the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered. (Now they probably won't be newly discoverd because i don't have a lot of those, though i could give it back to butterflymom , but i wouldn't want to play ping pong now would I ;o) )

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

So here are my 10 ;O)

1. http://whilewerewaitinginfla.blogspot.com/

2. http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/

3. http://jenn625.blogspot.com/

4. http://kristieverret.blogspot.com/

5. http://makingourtroxclairfamily.blogspot.com/

6. http://fortheloveofaudrey.blogspot.com/

7. http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/

8. http://livinglife-angie.blogspot.com/

9. http://wwwforyourtears.blogspot.com/

10. http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

There are many more lovely blogs that i would have love to put but for one the rules say on 10 and for two if i did put them all i would be here all night:O) .

p.s Andrea I wanted to put you but you were already nominated ;O) but hey i still linked your blog just now huh;O) LoL

Loving My Angels

Pray Pray Pray!

2010-09-25T11:38:00.000-07:00

I Just saw this on facebook and i haven't heard anything new as of recently but the post said that Katy has been rushed to L&D with cramping and bleeding. She is carrying her rainbow Eliana. She is not due until the end of December. So i am soliciting all of my BLM's out here in blog land and whoever else may be lurking to please send up prayers for this sweet soul and her baby.

Update:

bleeding has stopped. contractions appear to have stopped/slowed down. waiting on test results to see if she is to stay in L&D or get to go home.

Update to the Update:
Good news . Tests negative. She's going home. but please continue to pray .

I love you katy and we are praying for you. ((HUGS))

I Am, I Will

2010-09-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

I am a child of God. He loves me. I am his and he is mine. I will hope in him, i will believe in him. with him i am able to do all things. This is what i will hold too. When anxiety tries to rear it's ugly head, when hopelessness tries to push it's way in. I am done. Done giving in to the sadness, done giving into despair and hurt and pain. That is not the way my God has destined me to live. Yes there will still be tears. yes there will still be moments, but they will not own me. I will not give in to the tricks of the enemy. My body , mind and spirit belongs to God. I choose to walk with him, to walk in him. I know that I have purpose. I knw that it one day shall be revealed. I know that i will look back on all that i've been through and thank God because of what it brought me. I will forever love my babies that are residing in that sweet place i one day hope to be that i can see their beautiful faces again, but while im here i will remember the things that they've taught me , the blessings and people they have brought me, i will continue to love deeply, do my best to forgive more quickly, to bless others as they have blessed me. Most importantly to continue to do my best, not just my best but the best in me that God has given me as i trudge along this journey.

Loving My Angels

Hello Aunt Flo

2010-09-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hello Aunt Flo,

I'm glad that you've stopped by to let me know that yes i do still have eggs
that i still have a chance at one day turning one those eggs into a baby.
A baby that i will hopefully one day get to keep.

I could do without the bloating, cramps and sore boobs (think about that on your next visit)

Although I'm glad to say hello please feel free at anytime to just as quickly go;o)

Loving My Angels

Aren't Enough

2010-09-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

I went to check my mail today (finally after like a week and a half) and found this! :O)

The pictures do it no justice. It is simply beautiful!

Did one of you actually make this ? or was it each of you made a piece? However you did it I love it and i can't stop staring and smiling at it;o)

Words aren't enough to express the thoughtfulness, kindess and love shown to me since i've started this jouney. They aren't enough to express my gratitude, and Love for the women who uplift me. Though this is a journey that i wouldn't choose for myself or any other of the wonderful women i've met, I am glad that i am walking it with you. Yes the grief is heavy at times, but God has certainly chosen a select group of women. To love and care so deeply for not just your own pain and grief but for those around you as well . I can say that b/c i've run into women IRL who have had m/c's and seem to not be fazed by it one bit, and i don't mean the she's just trying to stay strong in public facade. I mean who truly don't seem to be bothered by it at all. But here, God has placed with me many wonderful beautiful people to help me when i am down, to keep my spirit up when i feel it's waining away. I wish i had my own private plane because i would fly to each of you and just hug you. I love you all so much. But again words just arent enough.

My Fab4

Deni, Nan, Andrea, Angie you are the ladies that so gracefully and lovingly reached out to me when i first began this journey. You have been by my side ever since, with calls , cards , texts, gift's and most importantly love and support.

Karen,Katy, Missy, Wendy,Lori, Becky, Heather, Holly and Kristie My Threads of Hope Pieces of Joy Though that was the book from the biblestudy where i got to you a little better;o) That is what you all give me with even the smallest gesture of e-mails and gifts like this one.

Matter of Factly that is what all of you are to me. My threads of hope and actually more than pieces, but my joy. I can say all of this, but yet these words aren't enough. So once you read this just do me a favor and wrap your arms around yourselves really tight and give yourself a big hug from me.

Loving My Angels

p.s. I need addresses. If i don't already have yours I need it. You can e-mail it to me atoneshandrea04@gmail.com

I Wish

2010-09-16T12:47:00.001-07:00

I wish i could post something happy. I wish i could post all the wonderful things in my life. Because though it's shadowed by grief, there are still good things, wonderful things, in my life. Unfortunately, the sadness seems to overshadow the good. And i wish that i could just focus on the good, i wish that i could keep trudging ahead with no problems. But as of late, I can't. I'm all over the place. I feel like a crazy person. Eventhough I know and feel without a doubt that good things are coming, I cannot shake this heaviness of grief. I want to smile and be happy (more than just for a moment), I want a little bit more of the old me, just a tiny bit more. But of course most of the old me is gone.

Emotionally I have been all over the place for the past week and a half, I feel like a crazy person. I have so so so much hope but yet I still cry. I can say that some of the crying has been out of happiness for others (which i'm glad about) but the most part it's from being sad, or hurt or frustrated, At the smallest things. and i do mean small. case and point: the other day i was getting ready for church and upon heading out the door i couldn't find my medicine that i needed to take and only after a few seconds of not remembering where i put it , i bust into tears and I'm not even sure why I was so frustrated. and of course when i found them they were right in my face. I think it is time that along with finding a peri that i find a therapist as well.

On the peri front, thanks to the Help of my Fab4 we have narrowed the search down to a few doctors. so now i am just doing my best to be patient and see where the road takes me.

Loveing My Angels

Peri's

2010-09-14T18:10:00.001-07:00

I am currently looking for a peri. I want to find the best doctor for me for the time that we ttc again. I want to make sure there won't have to be any guessing games or trying something and it not work out. I want to make sure i do everything right this time to the best of my ability . I want to know all my options if any. I am in no way downing my current doc. but i want to see if there are other solutions than the one that he is proposing. So i would like suggestions or recommendations from anyone in the Houston area or may not be in the houston are but can suggest someone in this are. . So if anyone has anysuggestions please feel free to leave info in a comment or you can e-mail me at oneshandrea04@gmail.com

Loving My Angels

Just Wandering

2010-09-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

This evening i had to make a trip to wal-mart to get something for dinner and while on my way out i began to think about a few things.

1. will i one day become a hermit b/c i can't go out in public because i seem to get attacked by precious babies and big pg bellies.

2. will i one day pass out in a store b/c i sometimes hold my breath when i see a belly to keep from crying?

3. and if i were to become said hermit, will i starve to death because i can't go out to get me anything to eat?

4. Can one get dehydrated from crying so much?

Also today i found a peri that seems to be highly rated to get a second opinion from. I mean some said that her bedside manner sucks but they would still see her because she is very good at what she does. This would seem to be good news right? Well duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh she only does one consultation a week and she doesn't have any openings until january and on top of that the secretary said she had to give her my info and why i want to talk to her and then she will call me back to let me know IF she will see me! so not only is this appt after january but it's not even a sure one yet. Geesh!

so in hearing this news it made me wonder

1. maybe i can go stay with my mom for a bit and see if i can find a peri there?

2. Is the sims3 the only place where i can have the family i want?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This is what sometimes happens when my mind wanders.

Loving My Angels

2010-09-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

So here I am at this moment. After having such a tough week. after not being myself. I sit here at a cross roads. Yesterday was better than thursday and the days before. That is until...................duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ........................ yes a friend of mine is pg. But what can you do. It's not the first i've heard and it won't be the last. So I breathe deeply, suck it up and try to find something to do. I call my pastors wife. She gives me the talk that i need and helps me to get back to myself. Which i am glad. I don't like being the person i was this week. I know that there will be days that i am not happy or that i switch back and forth but i just hate that i let it get to me so. Today has been good and i've been thinking that from now on i'm going to do my best to stay positive that I'm going to cry, but that's okay, i can still speak positive no matter what i'm feeling. I read Andrea's post from friday which only helped me and reinforced what i have decided.

So I'm getting back on track. I am ever so thankful to all of my beautiful BLM's and other beautiful friends who have held me up when i couldn't. I thankful to God who loves me even when I'm not loving him.

So I end this post today with this song because even when I don't feel it, even when i'm sad, and down I am determined to speak life into situations, to say aloud that i believe and at times when it's too much I am still going to lift my hands in
"Total Praise"

Total Praise

Richard Smallwood

Loving My Angels

9-9-09

2010-09-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

9-9-09

This is Camron's due date and one would think that if i got through that then 9-9-2010 should be a breeze. But it isn't. because now there are thoughts of "had my body not failed, had i not failed then he'd be turning one today". I think of all the milestones that would have passed in only the first year of his life. The first time he crawled, his first steps, the first time he said ma ma or da da, . I wonder how much he'd way now, how big would he be? I think of how loved and somewhat spoiled he'd be. How special i would have made this day for him. But here i sit with empty arms and a piece of my heart gone.

So today I am blowing kisses to heaven and sending prayers on the wings of angels to my little angel to let him know that I love him and I miss him. He will always be my first born, my first joy and my first love.

Forever Loving My Angels

The removal

2010-09-08T15:30:00.000-07:00

So today i went in to have my cerclage removed. I was surprisingly optimistic about going in ( i have no idea why) but that changed a little upon arival. I didn't have the luck today of seeing no bellies when i went in. There were actually two and one of them were on the phone. Talking rather loudly and annoying might i add. So to drown her out i pulled out the ipod and listened to music while playing a game. Finally i was called back. I gave a urine sample and then I was weighed. I now weigh 135 ! woo hoo! 9 lbs down and i'd like to lose 10 more(not sure if that's gonna happen though) but that was the best part of my appt.

The removal was easy. I had very little cramping and that was while he was removing the cerclage. He told me that they didn't do it in the hospital b/c they wanted to the cervix healed first. So i then asked what happened and how did i lose my baby.

He said that my cervix had first shortened some, but it also thinned out alot and then i'd dialated enough for the baby to come through. who would have thought it would have been so hard to listen to him telling me this. It took all i had to hold in the tears. He said that the next time. if i chose there to be a next time that he would like to put in a cerclage before i get pg. That this time he would do a double instead of a single, not one on top of the other but one above and one below. He also said that he'd use a different material (can't remember the materials though) and also some kind of tape that they use (can't rember that either)(i know my memory is sucking bad right now). He said with all that done the longest i'd probably be able to carry is between 27 and 29 wks which would be good but great if i could make it to 30, but they'd shoot to at least 27 to 29. Needless to say that i was a mess and just felt hopeless about everything. If i want a TAC i will have to look up doctors that do those. But i'm not even sure that I want that anymore. I mean if i have a weak cervix in general and it's thinning before i even dialate what good is that gonna do. Who knows. So after a little more talking ( sorry i don't feel like typing it all) i was given and antibiotic and told to call them when i have decided what i'd like to do. I got in my car and cried for like 10min. I just felt hopeless. I don't even know why really. It's not like he said that i can't ever try again or that he advised against it right. But i am on the verge of giving up. I don't know that i can take another chance of losing another precious life. I felt cursed and abandoned. I sat and wondered what is it all for. I do my best to live right, to walk a straight path and yet all i see at the end is hurt. I just want a little piece of something to hold on to. And if there is a solution, a definate solution to me carrying my baby to term then i'd like to find it and find it soon.

But yet I find that in my despair and fussing at God he still sends me his love , he still sends me a comfort even when i'm a little mad at him. My BFF called me on my home and talked to me and really gave me encouragement. Just the simple fact of her telling me "i don't understand what you're going through, but you can't give up" helped me. Just for her listening to me and talking to me and not just giving me ackward silence was a help. Because of her my heart was made lighter. Because of her this post is not all doom and gloom. Thank you and I love you D.

But, i still cannot say where i stand. i so badly want children. I so badly want to carry a chiled created by my husband and I , but i don't know that i can try again. Right now i am just lost and don't know what i'm going to do. So for now i will just continue

Loving My Angels

Random

2010-09-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow I go to have this cerclage removed. I am hoping that it's not painful and i am hoping that it's over quick. I'm also hoping to have some answers. Like how can it still be there but my baby isn't. and if it's gonna even be possible for me to carry a baby to term? My morning started off so nice today and then i began thinking about all of this crap and down it went.

I am just hurt. Truly truly hurt. So many things going through my mind. How Cams due date is in two days. How had I not failed him and he made it, he would be turning 1. How i miss him. How i miss them. How i am jealous that so many have been blessed with what I want so badly. I have cousins younger than me not even over the age of 21 who are pg . One who has a son that just turned 1 and is pg with another baby due at the end of this year. not married , father is not involved, barely making it and yet she has what i want and it all seems so unfair.

What if i can't carry a child to term. What if I would need someone to carry my baby for me? would i be able to do it? Honestly I don't want to find out. I know that right now it may seem selfish , but at this moment this is where i am . I want to carry my child i want to see my belly grow, I want to feel his or her kicks. Right now sucks. I have no happy after thoughts. right now i am just stuck in my own self pity. I'm stuck with the what if's and why's and hows. I hear people complaining about being pg and i get angry b/c i'd love to have that problem. I welcome it with open arms.

but i don't have that problem. My problem is a stupid cerclage that i have to go and have removed now, that i'm hoping and prayin hasn't left and infection as i have been having cramps lately. But i will do like this blog that i got from Deni's page and praise him anyway. As i know that things could be a lot worse and that God has brought me through so much already.

Loving My Angels

Seasons

2010-09-04T20:48:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of this year I have heard many sermons on "This is my season" "This is your season" ( not talking directly to me of course but the congregtation as a whole) not only have I heard sermons but i've come across people in geral say that this is our season, or this is their season or telling me this is my season. And of course I know they all meant the season to prosper,but I find that not to necesarily true. What some don't seem to realize is that your season is not always a happy one, it can be your season for joy or your season for hardship and many other things. For a bit I truly beleived it was my season to be joyful to be happy , that the storm had passed. I mean 2009 was awful and I surley would't have a repeat of that, but I now know how wrong i was.

The word says it best:

Ecc3:1-8 says

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

I am so over this season ( over as meaning i am tired of it.) I am tired of the crying, i'm tired of the sadness , i'm tired of the gloom, i'm tired of wishing, and wanting and waiting. I am so ready to walk into my season. I'm ready to smile again without tears following a few hours or days later. I want this sorrow to go away. Right now just sucks and I don't wanna be in this place. I'm tired of this place. It's cold, sometimes dark, lonely and just plain sad.

I want this storm to be over. I want off this darn roller coaster. I want to smile again. I want my time to laugh and dance and love . Only this time I want to love a baby hear alive and healthy.

SHG

2010-08-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

So I just made it home from having the SHG (sonohysterogram) done. It was a little more uncomfortable than the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). He had a hard time inserting the catheter but he told me that was probably due to the fact that my cerclage is still there. Yes it's still there. apperently it wasn't removed when i had my m/c. So now I sit here at home teary eyed and overwhelmed. I guess i should have asked about that back when i m/c but i would have thought they would have removed it then seeing as it no longer had a purpose. But i guess silly me for assuming. So now i have to make an appt with my doctor to have it removed. This sucks, it has me grumpy . For some reason it has me feeling so close to what i want but still so far away. It seems like these small irritations keep popping up and thus begins the frustration all over again. But other than that it went fine. I should be able to get my results by the end of this week so now i sit in wait for that.

Phil4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise , think on these things.

So as I wipe away the tears I will follow this and think on the good. Having my life and strength. Being able to get the tests done, having a right mind and working limbs.

and something that has made me especially happy

CONGRATS to Andrea . Sending her lots of love and prayers.

Loving My Angels

Waiting

2010-08-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

Psalm37:4-5

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

This very thing was at one time very hard to do at all. Even now it still is hard at times. But now there are at least times that i can. But I must admit also that there are times that this is hard. One can't help but look at those blessed with what you so desperately long for and wonder why them and not me, why do i suffer yet it comes so easily for them. But then I read this passage this morning and it brings me comfort. If i just focus on him and not what others have, if i just give myself to him, keep my eyes on him, remember his promises for me , his blessings for me, his love for me then he will give me what i so desire. Of course this is not easy. Doing this also means being patient, it means waiting and of course these things seem to be very hard to do. Yet and still no matter how hard it is, I find myself doing this very thing wether i want to or not. At this point waiting is something i have no control over. I wait to get tests, I wait for results, I wait for the next step. I wait and I wait and I wait, but with this waiting i am learning patience. I must say that i never thought that i would be a patient person, but i am begining to be that and that in itself (though it hurts learning it) is a blessing. I've asked God many times to help me to learn patience and it now is coming to me. I'm learning to wait on him to hold on to his word. Though i have had much pain and heartache I am thankful. Thankful that i am able to see a blessing in things that were once to painful to think on, i am able to good where i thought there was none, I am able to hope again. and most importantly I am waiting sometimes patiently and sometimes i get a little anxious, but I am waiting, I am waiting better than what i used to, frustration tries at times to set in, but anger is gone, self pity is moving out of the way. I wait with joy, knowing that my blessing and not only my blessing but those that i have prayed for and continue to pray for, their blessings are coming also. so i will continue to "Delight myself in the LORD"

Thank you Lord for being so good. For giving light to dark situations and circumstances.

Sorry for the babbling. My heart and mind are just full this morning. wishing all a Terrific Tuesday.

Loving My Angels

Those Days

2010-08-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

I hate the gloomy days. I hate the days i feel like pooh. I hate those days that one moment i'm fine and in the very next breath i'm crying. I hate the days all i see are the negatives in my life. I hate the days that i get upset at thinking of how others are blessed with what i long for. I hate the days I feel like giving up.

But i also love them

I love them because in those days God gives me a word from him. I love them because he sends others my way with encouragement and love. I love those days b/c he sends me texts through a friend. I love those days because he sends me an open ear. I love those days b/c he loves me enough to send me comfort, to give me wisdom , to help me see the good though it's hard. He puts a song in my spirit. He gives me strength to keep moving no matter how small the step. He reminds me that with him I can make it. That i am not alone and it's not by my own power but by his saving grace that i make it through each day. He is awesome, he is wonderful, he is God.

Phil4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me

Loving My Angels

The Results are In

2010-08-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

And the results are...............................

Another Test. I can't recall the name of this one that is next. I was out when i got the results so my terms won't be the terms the nurse used. Basically they found a growth (she didn't say those exact words but i can't remember the term she used) but something like a bump at the opening of my uterus. She says that they are thinking this could be the cause of me m/c but they are not sure so i will be getting another test where they will take xrays and an ultrasound of my uterus I couldn't understand her very well where i was at so i can't recall the actual name of it. So imaging doesn't call me tomorrow then i will call them thursday to see if they got the order then go from there. So this is where i am right now. Lets hope things only begin to look up from here.

on another note

Today i'm tired, tired of this heartache, tired of this sadness, tired of tears, tired of the heaviness just plane old tired. My life has been filled with heartache for over a year now, i'm in dire (sorry about the spelling) need of some happiness, some good news something to let me smile for more than just a moment. So Lord tonight i am doing my best to cast my cares upon you, please catch them;o) I know only you can give me what i need.;o)

Loving My Angels

Sleep

2010-08-15T00:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight sleep eludes me. I close my eyes hoping for sleep to come, but it doesn't.
I remember being in the room with my sister when my niece was born. I remember hearing her cry for the first time. Then i remember camron being born and how silent the room was except for my cries. I remember xavien and tristen. How i longed to heart their cries letting me know they were okay. But I didn't, just my own sobs. And now i can't close my eyes because the tears won't stop. The pain won't go away. This is a moment i wish would go away. I wish i could just be numb. I wish i could sleep. Next month is Camron's due date. Had I made it to Sept 9 he would be a year old next month. I think of my niece and all the things she does and then i think of what my cam would be doing right now. I think of how close they would be. I think of summers going to get my niece so she could hang out with her favorite cousin. I think of betting with my sister of who would be walking first, would their first words be the same. would they be like my sister and i calling our mom by her first name at some point. Then again i'm crying. crying for what could have been. For what isn't and for the things i wish were. it's moments like these that makes it so hard to stay encouraged.

I'm tired , so very tired, but sleep won't find me.

HSG

2010-08-13T20:56:00.001-07:00

So today was the HSG. It went by quickly. I had no nerves about it really and that's thanks to Andrea and Nan;o) ((Love you Guys;o)) it was quick, i cramped but wasn't bad. The doctor was nice and explained everything to me before and while he was doing it. So now i'm just waiting on the report which my doctor should have monday. I'm gonna try and be patient and wait til tues before i call them, but knowing me i will probably call monday;o)

Gosh it feels good to make a step forward;o)

Loving My Angels

Spare Me;o/

2010-08-10T21:37:00.000-07:00

Geesh! Sometimes i wonder are some people ( well when i say people at this moment i mean on person in particular) just slow in thinking or are they just really uncaring.
case and point
Today i posted something on my fb status about frustrations well later this evening i get a call from SIL#2 ( i have like 7 SIL's so i have to number them, and i've posted about this same one before so i guess i shouldn't be surprised about what happened) asking me if someone had done something to me. I told her no and that I was just frustrated with life for a moment. Well we got to talking about other things and she was telling me about her going to miami and in the conversation I was asking what if different things happened and she wasn't able to go. Well her response is "rain sleet or snow" "even if i'm pregnant" " N (her bf) said what if you're pregnant". I mean really! like i needed that part of the convo. But again I guess i shouldn't be suprised I've had to come here and vent about her before after I lost xavien. But I just don't get it. She's hinted around about thinking she's pg before but i chose to ignore it and i ignored it this time and steered the convo somewhere else and then got off the phone. But i guess that's just an example of the world thinking I should've moved on by now or the enemy rearing his ugly head and doing something to get on my nerves.

Either way ! I don't need either and they can just spare me with their crap!

I'm putting all my cares on the one above!

1Peter5:7
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Loving My Angels

New Look

2010-08-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

My blog has a new look thanks to Andrea who gifted me with a blog makeover from Franchesca who is very talented at what she does. (She is also a BLM some of you may know this already but just in case there is someone who doesn't) I so appreciate them both. Andrea for thinking of me and giving me this makeover and franchesca for taking time and making sure i was happy with what she did. I love it and I know my angels love it as well.

Lots of Love to you both.

Also while i'm here i'd figured i add something else. I decided to post this song. I think of it and i sing it at times when i am down. I hope you enjoy it as well

Here are the lyrics too b/c i just love them;o)

Even though your winds blow
I want you to know
You cause me no alarm
Cause I'm safe in his arms

Even though your rain falls
I can still make this call;
Let there be peace
Now I can say go away
I command you to move today
Because of faith, I have a brand new day
The sun will shine - and I will be okay
That's when I told the storm!

I told the storm to pass (oh yes I did)
Storm you can't last (oh oh, you've got to go away)
Go away - I command you to move today
Storm - when God speaks; (when God speaks, you don't have a choice in the matter)
Storm - you've got to cease
That's what I told storm!

Wind stop blowing!
Flood stop flowing!
Lightning stop flashing!
Breakers stop dashing!
Darkness go away!
Clouds move away!
That's what I told the storm!

Death can't shake me!
Job can't make me!
Bills can't break me!
You can't drown me!
Cause my Gods surrounds me!
That's what I told the storm!

Loving my Angels

please stop by and show love to http://whilewerewaitinginfla.blogspot.com and lend her a little support as she is on the ttc journey. ;o)

Awesome God

2010-08-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

I apologize that this may be a lengthy post, but i so often post my heart aches I have to post the good things too. I have to give God his glory.

Yesterday (aug 6) and today have been good days for me. I might could even say great. I smiled and i was happy. I am so full with the wonderment (hope that's how you spell it, geesh i hope it's a real word, but anywho) of what God is doing for me i don't know where to begin. Let's see, let me start with Friday. I texts from my Fab girls which always puts a smile on my face and brings me comfort. My day started with noon prayer at my church (which i so desperately needed). It was awesome. I got to cry out before God from my heart. Yes i can do this at home, which at times I do. But it wasn't just about me, it was about the needs of others, and for a reason i can't explain it felt good. It was just a nice release. You all were in my heart, I may not have been ablel to name names but I know God heard me and i know that he knew too;o)

That night kicked off our annual women's conference. The speaker was awesome. Just awesome! God really used her. She acknowledged the fact that not all babies get to go home with there families. That sometimes they don' t make it and how we often wonder why. Then and there i knew that word was for me. But sometimes God doesn't give us the why. His thinking is above our own. But we are appointed for purpose we have purpose. There are lessons in the suffering. (not just this situation but other situations that she talked about as well) One of them she touched on is patience. She talked about Hannah praying to God for a son. She talked about how Hannah told God that she would give the child back to him. Can you see how AWESOME God is! He heard my cries. He spoke to me. She also asked, what are we willing to give up. She talked about how we want everything instantly and on our time instead of waiting on God!
She then went on talking about other hardships and sufferings in our lives. She told her story of being raped by a family member, of wanting to take her own life. But God! He saved her. and though it took time. He healed her. I wish i could type the whole story because it is an amazin one. But the moral of her talk was that, to be healed from past hurts, to forgive others for wrongs done, to get you through, to bring you comfort, there is but one name to call on and that name is JESUS! Yes that one name is so powerful, able to do all.

I just loved it, because she touched on a lot of things that i had been thinking and feeling. In that moment i learned to just listen to God. I learned that i don't need that validation that i sometimes look for to make sure it's God, because i already know. His word is good enough, more than good enough really.

It was even more amazing because in attendance that night was a pg woman who looked to be just a month or two of where i should be now and normally i would have fallen to pieces and left out crying before the service even began. But i didn't . I was able to focus on God. Think on his promises and i made it through. and it felt good.

Last night I knew that i am on my way to healing. I claimed my healing. I know that it will still hurt at times but I am getting there and that felt good. I also thought of many of you. especially Angie ( one of our Fab 5) I know that she is hurting so much now, but I know that it's gonna get better for her. I know that God is with her. Angie know that you are prayed for.

Then this morning we had our second day of the conference. It was awesome. One speaker touched on something that stuck with me.

She said that there is a difference between a hurt and a wound. A hurt is like a scrape or cut. we can put a bandaid on it and just wait for it to hea. But a wouldn is deep. It takes time and care to heal. You have to tend to it daily. Clean it out and dress it.

It made me think of this community of BLM's. We often speak of being hurt and heartbroken, but we are more than that. We are wounded and it's gonna take time for us to heal. So to heck with the time that the world thinks we should be " Over it" . and we will never be over it, but we can get through and we can live and we can hope. The only one that matters in telling us that time is God and when that time comes he will do it. and of course there is but one cure and his name is Jesus.

2Sam22:7 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears.

Psalm116:1
I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications.

Loving my Angels

1 Month

2010-08-03T21:18:00.001-07:00

Today Aug. 3 2010 marks exactly one month since i had to say goodbye to Tristen. It feels like yesterday. It's amazing how time seems to fly at times and then others it just drags by.

If you ask my body, swollen breasts (which have just now started to seem as if there will be no more milk flowing), a dark line going down the center of my stomach, and a poochy belly, would tell you that Tristen is still here.

If you ask my heart, it would say the same. Though not physically. It would tell you that i still feel his kicks sometimes, that i still see his face, that i still feel the pain of delivering him, that the hurt of having to say goodbye is still here. He is in my mind, my heart, my soul, my DNA.

if you ask the world, they would say he is gone, some may not even count him as a person, they would say that i should be happy by now and back to my "normal" self.

I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I sit and wonder if it is possible to die from heartbreak b/c sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like i am slowly dying.
It amazes me how i can be in a room filled with people but still be lonely. But then i'm not amazed because no matter who you're in a room with, if it's not who you want then everyone else may as well be invisible.

Lord,

I am trying with all my might to hold on. I am tired, i am hurting and i am weary. I need you now. I am crumbling, please please please put me back together soon.

Unto thee will I cry, O Lord my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, i become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when i cry unto thee, when i lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle. Psalm28:1-2

On a Note

2010-08-02T19:44:00.001-07:00

Well let's see i guess i will start off with the sucky part first so............

On a bad note I feel as if A/F is about to make her debut. So I'm somwhat dreading it. Ready to cry and she hasn't even come yet, but hey this is my new norm. so now moving on.

On a good note. well i actually have two but this is the first

well about two years ago my hubby bought me a puppy. She is a puggle (pug/beagle mix) well a few months after we got her I let her out in the back yard and i believe i left to go to the store or somewhere. Well anyway when i got back she was gone. My mom said that she thought the men who were cutting my grass had taken her. But we were never really sure but I figured she had been taken because whenever she did get out she knew her way back home or one of our neighbors always brought her back. Well last week sometime and animal shelter called me and asked me if we were missing a dog. All i could do was laugh because i knew she was talking about emma and of course i was right. After almost two years my dog has been found. She was had been at a shelter for a couple of weeks and they decided to scan her for a micro chip (thank goodness we had one put in her) and they found me. So someone had to have taken her because she was all the way in pearland which is about an hour from me and i know she couldn't have made it all the way there by herself. My husband said this is just what i needed that having her back would be good for me. So today i went and picked her up, stopped by petsmart to buy her things all over again. It was a bittersweet moment. I am happy to have her back but i don't think she really remembers me. But again thank God for blessings.

Welcome Home Emma

On my next good note. I have decided to move forward with testing. I am going to call my doctors office tomorrow and see about scheduling my HSG and then on with whatever testing he has for me after that. I figured I could start with testing (maybe even get a second opinion) and get a definate plan after that. Today has been a good day for me a rare dare i even say happy day. So i'm gonna take it and hold on to it. God is good........................

Loving My Angels

Frustrations

2010-08-01T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today at church my pastor talked about frustration. And of course this is something that we've all felt. The frustration that my won't work normally, the frustration of deciding whether or not to try again, the frustration of trying again, the frustration of that darned 2ww, the frustrations of getting a BFN, the frustrations of getting a BFP, and so on and so on.
But today he said something to make me think. well at first it made me happy but then of course my new norm is to sometimes over think things, thus forming this post to get these thoughts out of my head. He said and I quote

"your blessings are buried on the other side of your frustrations" "you have to keep pushing through to the otherside."

he also said

"all your frustrations in life are laying the foundation for a new level in your life"

"let your frustrations be your stepping stone for where God is trying to take you in your life"

and at first thought i thought wow , how true, i mean there has to be a reward somewhere in all this madness i mean i can't be going through what i'm going through for nothing. which i totally still believe, but then of course there's that flesh in me that is wondering , how much further will i have to keep pushing. I'm getting tired and i'm getting weak and i'm getting more frustrated! But God is good, because he reminds me that yes when it's just me, i going to get tired, i'm going to get weak, i'm going to get more frustrated, BUT! I don't have to worry, because i'm not alone, he is with me, he is my strength and when i can't go on he is there to lift me, to push me to guide me. It dawned on me how many times i've had someone tell me that God is about to do something in my life, or tell someone else that God is about to do something in theres. and i wait and i wonder and i wait some more while wondering well when is he gonna do it, i've been waiting and so far i've had nothing but hurt and heart ache, but then i sat and i thought and i thought some more. Who says he hasn't already begun. Who says that he isn't doing anything now. It's so crazy. Today we live in a microwave world, we are so used to having what we want, when we want it. We are used to having progress with the second, minute or day. We forget that to God 1, 000 years could be oneday in his timing. We expect God to just hand us what we want or need right then and there. We don't expect to go through anything to obtain anything, We think that we ask God for it and BAM! He's just supposed to give it to us. But today i've realized that yes it hurts and yes what i'm going through is hard and yes i want to scream to the top of my lungs sometimes, but i'm not gonna give up i will push through my frustrations, I will get to my blessing, I may get weary , i may even break sometimes, but i am not gonna stop because i want what God has for me. As it says in
Psalm37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
I want that. I mean who doesn't want the desires of their heart . So i will continue to hold to him, i will continue to delight myself in him. I will continue to hold fast. Because God is truly able.

Proverbs 13:12 says it best
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

So i continue to hope, i continue to beleive , i continue to hold on as best i can
and

I will continue
Loving My Angels