Tuesday, November 26, 2013

4yrs ago today

This was me

Four Years Ago today.
Holding my tiny precious baby girl. 
Today is her day. The day I said hello and goodbye way too soon. A day forever etched in my heart. Today hit me a little harder than I expected. This month I've seen myself in the hospital the day I had her. But 4yrs ago last year the 26 actually fell on Thanksgiving. How ironic is that. The day I should have been celebrating and being thankful for the fact that I was blessed to carry her I was at the hospital praying she could stay with me a little longer.
And though she was my second baby born to heaven it's a day that still forever changed me even more than the first time. And yes today is her day but I think of her everyday. I picture and I wonder and wish...... that things could have been different.....
But tonight I sit and I write that I am indeed thankful. I am thankful that for a little while I got to call her mine. That I gave her a name. That she lived within me (even if only for a short time) and that she will forever be the second piece of me in heaven.
And even though these words can't truly describe a fraction of what I feel I will still simple end with them.......
Xavien Zaraih Bob I miss you and will FOREVER Love you and carry you with me. Happy 4yrs in heaven my angel. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Her Month

So I finally have a moment to write with a somewhat clear head. This year has been a mix of emotions for me, with it seeming like sometimes more bad than good but yet (through the grace of God) I am still here, still surviving and still smiling...........

This year has gone by fairly fast and this month, her month has quietly snuck up on me......I don't know if it's because of me chasing around her little brother, or the baby fever  ( that post to come later) or the other million things going on around me that it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. But lately in the few quiet moments I've had it has dawned on me in 5 days it will be the day that I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my precious baby girl........ my how time has flown but yet when I see someone's daughter or even look at my nieces or even look at Jace, I wonder..... what would she have been like, who would she have looked like, would she be as stubborn as me, would she be a daddy's girl, would she be a girly girl and love Barbie dolls like I did?

I think about that day, the loneliness the sadness and the pain....... I also think about the love I had then and the love I have now......How no one will or ever can replace her how no one will or ever can replace any of them..... and though this is deemed the month of Thanksgiving to me this will always be her month and I will always be thankful for her..... thankful that I got to hold her at all thankful that I got to feel her kicking in my belly, thankful that I got to call her mine even if only for a little while.......

I Love you Xavien and this will forever be you Month!